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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1137
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I need help my boyfriend messaged his friend that Im immature

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I need help my boyfriend messaged his friend that I'm immature and he has to hold my hand for everything. His friend said to dump me and he told him thats hard since we have a lease to an apartment together. (which we just got and haven't moved in yet, and he told me that he wouldn't do it or have considered it if he didn't want to live with me.) Then he said plus I've tried and I always take her back. His friend responded with a well you f**ked up and he goes yea.... then he continues with a plus her uncle is suppose to help me with a job after i graduate in theory and its kinda f**ked up to think this way and i feel this way and i feel horrible. (and by the way he turned me down saying he wanted to do that on his own.) unless he changed his mind. He also goes on to say that he is trying to get a solid internship for next summer. So he will see how he feels about the relationship after that. When he sent this message he was mad and we were fighting because I needed his support because I was stressing out, which I admit happens a lot. He's planning on visiting his friend soon and partying at least that what he says at the end of the message and I'm afraid he will do something to hurt me more. And mostly I want to know if he is using me and plans to break up with me after the internship, I can't stand thinking that he's only with me to use me. He tells me that he loves me and that he is never going to break up with me. That we are both going to California next summer when he does his internship and I transfer and that he wants to be with me. He likes to say that he will never change his mind about me and never leave. But is that a lie or is he trying to sound cool to his friend because his friend just broke up with his girlfriend who he thought was to immature, and admits to using that long because of sex. I know he lies about some things like not liking other girls when he goes online and looks at this particular girl he meet once a few years ago. He goes on facebook even though their not friends on there and he goes on twitter and just to look at her pictures and read about her it bothers me, and she now lives in California. So I'm worried he's using me till then and has already moved on and is just buying his time. Please help me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry about what your going through and I do understand how confusing and difficult this must be. The truth is no one knows his heart besides himself. Ones heart is a place where no one can enter. He could have been talking to his friend in that manner to show off, look cool, because he really feels that way, or etc. Part of it may be true about holding your hand with things since you said you do stress out a lot, but he may have been exaggerating in the moment just to blow off steam with his friend. However, I can imagine how disturbing it must be to think he could be using you for the internship.

The best thing you can do is to analyze your entire relationship from the past to the present. Think about the way he treats you. Do you feel he loves you not only by what he tells you, but by his actions. This is extremely important because if he is indeed using you then there will be loopholes. He will not manage to pull off living a lie for too long. I would communicate a lot with one another about one another's likes and dislikes about the relationship. That way you both can resolve whatever issues are getting in the way. If he was with you before he was offered the internship that means he has liked or loved you at one point, so there may be things about the relationship he is not happy with that the two of you can resolve if talked about. Just as the things you do not like such as when he reads about that other girl. All of these issues need to be discussed in order to strengthen your relationship. Also, you will see how much he is willing to work on the relationship. This too will serve as a sign to see how interested he really is in it. Overall his actions will indeed show his true colors. If his love is real then it will be shown and you will not only hear it, but actually feel it.

Now if he is doing things you are not comfortable with, such as going to party, continue looking at other girls info online, or etc you may want to consider not only if he is being true to you, but also if this is really the type of relationship you want and deserve. If you are not comfortable in it and continue to have doubts then that is not healthy. If he is unwilling to work with you then you may want to evaluate your situation to see if space would be appropriate to sort things out. It is better to be honest to yourself now then spend more time not feeling uncomfortable in the relationship. As for the lease usually you would be able to try to find a replacement or if you just signed it there may be a grace period to cancel.

I wish you the very best in whichever direction this relationship takes and please let me know if I can be further help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok I understand but if I tried to bring up the things that bothered me like saying to him that I'm worried that he is only with me because he feels bad or that it's convenient and I get answers like no I love you and want to be with you I'm not getting real answers from him. Plus I can not really have real conversations with him because he gets annoyed and gets angry easily. He says he's annoyed because he tells me the truth and I don't except it. But the things he says are the truth totally contradict what he said to his friend or what he's said to me in the past. I'm not ignorant and I have a good memory so I remember he can't fool me so why does he try. Yes he's loved me before the internship was brought up but we've had troubles and he tried to break up with me before, we always ended up saying we'd give it another try, and when it's brought up he says that he would of never really left and would come back for me, but the last time I don't think he would of I believe he says certain things because he thinks that's what I want to hear and it will end the talk.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I understand why it can be difficult to work things out with him. If he is unwilling to talk and work on issue that does make it very difficult. A healthy relationship needs to have both sides willing to talk and be open to one another. If you feel what he said about you not accepting truths is correct then I would discuss that with him. Let him know that you want to work on accepting what he says whether good or bad in order for him to be comfortable to say the truth and for you both to be able to work on those issues together. However, same way you would be working on this if it is true he really needs to work on his anger and issues as well. He may be have no patience any longer and rather than discuss he just explodes. In this case you would need to express how you want the basics of your relationship to change. Try not coming at him in an accusing manner, but rather a concerned manner. Express that no one is perfect in the relationship and that is why you want to discuss it in order to strengthen it and stop all the fighting. Try not to bring up those things that bothered you because that will just lead to him telling you he loves you and that's it. Then it would be a matter of just pure belief and trust. Rather discuss the issues that are causing the break ups and fights in order to see what the two of you can do to make changes in general. He would need to be willing to do this in order for the relationship to progress. If he is unwilling then that is not a good sign. If that continued to be the case even with you doing your part then I would suggest you thinking if this is indeed what you want for your life. Relationships are hard work and take lots of communication as well as give and take by both parties. Both individuals need to be opened to work on themselves as well as help the other. Also, dwell on the positive and discuss how the negative can be made better. Trust is also a big factor. Trust is not something that is said or showed once. It is something that is built over time. If one person in the relationship is unwilling to be patient and discuss issues then it will not be a long term healthy relationship. Also, if what he is saying to you contradicts what he says to his friend then what is most important is look at his actions directly. Does his actions prove what he says to you is true or what he said to his friend. If he gets angry easily that is not a good sign unless he is that type of person in general. If that is the case it would be good for him to work on that anyway not only for the relationship, but himself as well. Does he treat you with respect, spend time with you, show you love through his actions. These are the questions you need to ask yourself in order to determine if he truly loves you and was just blowing off steam to his friend.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1137
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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