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Wendy MFT
Wendy MFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 16
Experience:  15 years experience counseling couples, families, and individuals.
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There is this guy that Ive been talking too for a little while

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There is this guy that I've been talking too for a little while now who is obviously interested in dating me. He's nice, but the more I talk to him the more I think of someone else. I know it sounds awful, but I can't get over this guy. He was the first person that I could truly relate to but he stopped talking to me. I would try to text him after a week of him not talking to me and he would just say that he's busy. I'd try to invite him out and he would still say that he was busy. I told him, through text, that I couldn't wait anymore and he stopped talking to me completely and deleted me off of facebook. I tried to apologize for doing that through text, but he wouldn't reply. Is there anyway I can get him back or do I have to just move on?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Wendy MFT replied 1 year ago.

Wendy MFT : Hi there. I'd like to try to help you with this problem.
Wendy MFT : Regarding the other guy that you're having a hard time letting go of, did the two of you ever actually date? Or were you just friends? Also, do you have any idea why he stops talking to you? Did you have a falling out or something?
Wendy MFT : If you can get back to me with the answers to those questions, I think it will allow me to help you more. I'll look forward to chatting with you later because it appears you're off-line right now. If I am off-line later when you reply, that's okay. I will get your message.
Customer:

We were dating, he even introduced me to a lot of his family and friends. He wouldn't tell me anything so I don't know why he stopped talking to me. It's like I said before, I sent him a message saying that I couldn't wait anymore and he wouldn't talk to me at all after that. I really felt bad after sending that text though and tried to apologize, but I still didn't get a response. I started wondering if maybe he thought that I wasn't into him, because I can be pretty shy. The last time we saw each other, neither one of us really touched each other but he used to be all over me.

Wendy MFT : Well, so it sounds like you think that because you told him you couldn't wait anymore - that is the reason the two of you maybe aren't together anymore. But the whole reason you told him that was because he was already being pretty non-responsive, right?
Customer:

He would respond to me, but he would always have the excuse that he was busy. I know he was busy because he had a full time job and was going to grad school, but he would still hang out with his friends and not me. The last time I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie with me that we had both been wanting to see, he told me he was already going that day with one of his friends and that's when I snapped and texted him that I couldn't wait anymore.

Wendy MFT : As painful as that was - and still is - it sound like you made a wise choice. I don't know that you'll ever know the reason for why he was not connecting with you, and did not seem to make you a priority, or why he just "dropped" you from everything after you told him you couldn't wait. It sounds like he's clearly got some problems with knowing how to communicate.
Wendy MFT : But there is no reason you should wait around for someone who treats you like that.
Wendy MFT : Now, to get to your question; any way to get him back or should you just move on?
Wendy MFT : Ask yourself - do you really want to get HIM back? Sometimes, when someone comes into our lives and leaves a big impact, it's very hard to let them go. But you said he was significant in that he was the first person you fell you really could relate to. Let's focus on that for a minute.
Wendy MFT : A lot of times when someone has a significant impact on us like that, or is the first person to provide us with a particular "gift", We can get hung up on thinking that we really want to be with that person. Instead, it's helpful to think of that person as being symbolic or representative of something that we want. In your case, it sounds like you really want to be with someone you can relate to, and that is what you miss about him. So that is why I ask: are you sure that it's HIM specifically that you want. I'd like you to give that a little bit of thought. I will be back in a few minutes.
Customer:

Okay, I've dated other guys before, but he was really different. We had a lot of the same interests and he was so sweet. It didn't seem like he could do something like this. I have a really hard time opening up to people, but I almost instantly felt like I could be myself around him. I still didn't tell him everything, because I do have some trust issues as well. I couldn't tell him some things about my family because I thought he would think poorly of me because his last girlfriend was "perfect". Sometimes he even seemed out of league.

Customer:

It wasn't only the fact that I could relate to him. He was charming, sweet, very caring and compassionate to others, and he was funny. I really feel like I"m in love with him. I think that's why it hurts so much. I've had a crush on him for years, but for one of those years he had another girlfriend. When he finally started to want to date me I couldn't even believe it! After we slept together he still wanted to see me and even made me breakfast afterwards. He treated me wonderfully, like I was special. Then almost out of nowhere started to fall away from me.

Wendy MFT : So, how long did you date?
Customer:

We started talking about 2 years ago, after he broke up with his girlfriend. We started dating last October, and he stopped talking to me in May.

Customer:

We were friends first.

Wendy MFT : well, that's a pretty good amount of time, and partially explains why this is so difficult to "get over."
Wendy MFT : It sounds like you are still grieving the loss of this relationship. May was only a few months ago. And the way it ended makes it all the more difficult.
Customer:

I just didn't think it would take this long to get over him, if I started seeing other people.

Wendy MFT : So, did you have any thoughts about what I said regarding what he "represents" for you? Versus what he is - in reality?
Wendy MFT : Well, unfortunately, dating other people can't really take away the pain. And probably even more so since he sounds so great. Sounds like he will be a tough one to beat. So he's like your "standard" now.
Customer:

That's exactly why it's so hard. I think maybe I did have high expectations of him though. And now every time I do date someone else

Customer:

I really do miss having someone that I could be myself with. I'm not entirely sure if that's the only reason I miss him or not though.

Customer:

I do still have some friends that I feel that way with, so I don't think so.

Wendy MFT : So, having friends you can be yourself with is one thing. But is the first guy you dated where you felt you could truly be yourself with? And another question...it may sound odd... but bear with me. Did you feel better about yourself and who you are when you were dating him?
Customer:

Yes I did. He made me feel like I could do anything. I made me feel attractive, and pushed me to try new things and actually do what I wanted to do as far as my career goes.

Customer:

And he was the first gut that made me feel that way.

Wendy MFT : Okay. It really helps to know all of thatl.
Wendy MFT : So, here's what I think is really going on here. Again, I think it has to do with what he meant for you symbolically.
Wendy MFT : Through being with him, you were able to explore "new" and very desirable parts of yourself, and it sounds like you really enjoyed discovering and experiencing ("being") those new parts of yourself. Now that he's gone, it almost seems like those parts of you are also gone.
Wendy MFT : Oftentimes when we are with someone in a romantic relationship, we think that we are really in love with them (and often times we are), but many times, we are really in love with what they can show us about ourselves. That is what I meant about him giving you a "gift." The gift he gave you was to show you other aspects of yourself that you hadn't/haven't yet "owned." So, part of your task in healing is to being to truly "own" those parts of yourself that you got a glimpse of when you were with him.
Wendy MFT : sorry, i meant "begin" (not "being to truly"...)
Wendy MFT : Something that you can do to help yourself to "Get over" him is to try to make a switch in your train of thought when he comes to mind. Instead of dwelling on him, and how great he was (because he truly was, I can tell), take it as a reminder to start thinking about yourself and the ways you can continue to grow "into" who you began to be when you were with him. So, it's a conscious effort of shifting your focus when you think of him to thinking about yourself and bettering yourself. Is this making sense? I know it's probably not what you were expecting, but this can be a very powerful, and empowering, exercise to help you heal, AND to help you be ore whole.
Wendy MFT : *more whole...
Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX thought of it like that before. I think this is great advice. You have no idea how many people have told me that he's just a jerk and he probably started seeing another girl over and over again and it wasn't helping me, it just made me feel worse. This wasn't the sort of answer I expected, but I think it will work so much better. You're the first professional that I've talked to that actually seemed like you wanted to help me. Thank you so much for your patience and your advice.

Wendy MFT : You are soooo welcome! I am really glad that I have provided you with a different perspective, and hopefully one that will help you in your healing journey. Good luck with everything and please feel free to seek me out in the future with other questions. You can ask for me by profile name. Take care.
Customer:

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX

Wendy MFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 16
Experience: 15 years experience counseling couples, families, and individuals.
Wendy MFT and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Wendy MFT replied 1 year ago.
HI Virginia:

I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. Hoping that you are using the tool we discussed in our chat a few days ago, and that it's helping.

~Wendy

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Wendy MFT
Wendy MFT
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16 Satisfied Customers
15 years experience counseling couples, families, and individuals.