I met a man who works in my building. He's a little older and divorced. He asked me to lunch a few times to get to know me. I wasn't sure at the time, but I felt like he was trying to get to know me as a dating prospect. I looked him up on a social networking site and he spent a lot of time with someone as though he had a girlfriend. So this had me confused.
After a few lunches he sent me a friend request and talked to me for an entire evening. I asked about some of the pictures on his profile and he readily said, "Oh that's my girlfriend." I thought maybe I was wrong about him wanting to date me and he is just trying to be friends.
Fast forward a few weeks and he sent some messages to the social site flirting and trying to get a flirty conversation going. I went with it. A few days ago I get some texts from him (at this point I gave him my number) and he was flirting with me and told me that he can't stop thinking about me. He said he wished I was with him. The conversation lasted for quite a while. I still hadn't brought up his girlfriend. I was trying to figure out, is this guy a cheater, is something missing from his relationship, or is looking for a better deal. He said he wanted to go to lunch at the end of the week which was the only day he had available. These messages seemed pretty serious to me and I didn't feel that he was just trying to play.
So I sent him a message at work asking what time he wanted to leave for lunch. I sat and waited and it became apparent that he must have left. I went out and came back later and he was at his desk, never read my message. So I walked to his desk and asked directly if he read it. He said no, looked it up and said, "Oh I forgot about that. Something came up. Next week!" He could tell by the look on my face I was not happy and I walked away. He sent an IM saying he was sorry and he really did forget. I told him that I thought he was flaky. By that I meant that he had stood me up that day and there was another occasion where we were supposed to do lunch but he later then said "Maybe." I felt like he was trying to make some sort of power play with me so I said "No thanks." Whether or not people go to lunch with me doesn't bother me, I'm an adult and I can go to lunch by myself. So it annoys me that anyone might try to make a power play out of it like I'm dying to go to lunch with them.
He was very upset and worried after this afternoon and asked if we could meet after work to talk to which I said No. He said he had a girlfriend and his kids and that "flirting was fun, but…" and that he didn't want to lead me on. All I said was okay. He asked again for me to meet up with him and I said that I was angry at how he treated me, that I thought he was flaky and that I didn't feel it was a good idea as I wasn't going to be very nice to him. He said he wanted me to talk to him later and tell him what I meant by flaky.
I have never dated a man who was married or in a relationship and I don't want to change now. I was open to hearing him out as to whether or not his relationship wasn't working out and seeing if he was interested in me. I know looks aren't everything but I am younger than his girlfriend and look young for my age. I am considered attractive and workout a lot. I thought maybe they fight a lot or one isn't in love with the other who knows. And I was curious if maybe he thought I was a better prospect.
Why did he do this? Was he just drunk that evening and having a moment? Is he wanting to be with me and chickened out? I can forgive the flirting and be just friends, but not being stood up. I do not intend to go to lunch with him again for a very long time. I want him to realize I'm not interested in being toyed around with.
I know he will text me over the weekend and I haven't completely figured out what to say yet.
Hello, thank you for your post. I am available to assist you with your question.
You sound like a smart, confident, and now confused woman! From what you describe you are right to be cautious with this guy.
Hi, can you join me for a live chat?
oh is this a chat?
I didn't realize this site did that
Yes I try to be cautious with people in general
We do live chat, it can be helpful to share additional information or ask questions as we go.
I can see where this man has you confused, such mixed messages.
I would say being stood up hurt my feelings moreso
I just don't care for that kind of behavior
For sure has an interest in you, but... does seem to be playing both sides. That was rude for anyone to do to someone.
have you seen this sort of thing before where the person is in a relationship they might want out of?
Certainly, yes, or they want both.
Do you think he flaked on purpose?
Remains in one relationship and keeps his options open? Flaked on purpose, hmmm- that may be part of this- and it can feel like a game.
So what is your diagnosis lol
It was a good idea for you to quickly respond to that and step back from the situation- a strong message you do not operate in that way. Setting boundaries from the get go.
From what I gather he's one to be cautious with- like you have- stepping back and watch how this guy operates. It has a "player" feel to it.
I thought that too
but the fact that he didn't go to lunch with me and said "flirting is fun, but..." made me think he doesn't really cheat
unless you think that's just part of the game
Of course it's fun to flirt- but if he's in a committed relationship, that's not okay. Right- but the flirting may be his way of testing to see what you will tolerate with a guy who has a girlfriend.
why ask me to meet up though
You setting boundaries so quickly and clearly is exactly what I would encourage you to do. He invites you to meet up because he's attracted to you/interested.
I can be very intimidating to men and unreadable. (I am an engineer) So I was going to try to be less scary. When he talks to me tell him that I don't appreciate being stood up or jerk around about going to lunches. And then I was planning to not do any lunches for a few months. I would like to leave things open to being friends just in case. (I know that's bad.)
But yet sound a bit commanding with it
You being strong and confident and telling him how it is "flaked out", gives him lots to think about- that you will not tolerate such things- thus you will unlikely tolerate being the other woman- sort of thing. If anything your strength and setting boundaries may result in him pursuing you more. He does sound charming. No, a girl can always leave her options open- that's okay.
If you go into it as you are- careful, watchful, cautious, and clearly setting those boundaries- you won't have unrealistic expectations, chances of getting hurt are less.
do you think something is missing from his relationship?
I guess people don't need reasons to cheat or not commit...
He's probably attracted already to your "strength" . Yes, something may be missing- or he's unsure of what he wants- especially with history of divorce. Did you mention he's been "shopping" on line for dates?
His wife became very sick, as in she went to a mental hospital. I actually believe it because he showed me some text messages from her and she doesn't make sense. So I think his divorce was the result of a lot of problems
I don't think he's been shopping online for dates...who knows what he's been doing since becoming in his current relationship. I know before that he said he did online dating.
I would not be surprised if he looks around or flirts with others.
Is this mystery a bit attractive? When a guy makes you think and wonder as you are- can draw you in. I would imagine he's hurting in some sense from that relationship- very complicated, with mental illness, and all.
mystery of his past?
I don't really feel it is a mystery
I know he thinks I am a puzzle, has mentioned it a few times
The mystery of trying to figure this guy out- some mixed messages- trying to figure out things..
I don't know. I do know that I like certain aspects of his personality. I always draw to very intelligent men and he definitely fits that bill.
He is my "type" which is not always a good thing
We have common interests too, which was a problem in a past relationship I had with someone. So I think he would be easy to be with
Keep him guessing- that's good. The type you are attracted to, not always worked out? Because of that it's very wise of you to take a look at this- carefully.
I tend to be pick very selfish men. The last one I met at work and I kept him at a distance for months and tried to figure him out. I thought I picked very well. He was probably worse than the others. Very self-centered.
He treated me like a princess for 4 months and then changed.
It's hard to "see it coming" in relationships, sometimes. It's interesting how he was so open about a girlfriend- so maybe he's more of an open book, vs. hiding important info.
Yes I thought that too
At least he didn't try to hide that
or I thought though he might use that later as in "look you knew I had a girlfriend."
But I see how he is with his kids, positive and encouraging, whereas my exes tended to put people down and no one was good enough
I don't think he doing that for show, it's how he is, so I see a lot of positive traits. And I could tell he was really upset that I was mad
So trusting the goodness, but at the same time, being careful- setting boundaries. That's part of this though- if he shows more interest- I get the sense you will have the "talk" about his g.f. and your stance on that.
Yes I would find a nice way to say something about his girlfriend to show we can be friends but as long as she is in the picture...
Being open and honest from the get go- that's healthy- and I hear you doing that.
I just wanted to know what someone else thought
my feelings were hurt like a kid at school that got stood up for lunch
I don't deal with people who play games
It will be interesting where this goes- look at it with the curiosity of a Buddha :) "I wonder how this will turn out". Not a lot of expectations, but enjoying meeting someone new.
lol. Okay thanks.
thank you for your help.
Watch and see where it goes. You are welcome- glad to help.
I respect your strength and assertiveness- great qualities