How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jean Your Own Question

Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
66147936
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jean is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I met a man who works in my building.

Resolved Question:

I met a man who works in my building. He's a little older and divorced. He asked me to lunch a few times to get to know me. I wasn't sure at the time, but I felt like he was trying to get to know me as a dating prospect. I looked him up on a social networking site and he spent a lot of time with someone as though he had a girlfriend. So this had me confused.


 


After a few lunches he sent me a friend request and talked to me for an entire evening. I asked about some of the pictures on his profile and he readily said, "Oh that's my girlfriend." I thought maybe I was wrong about him wanting to date me and he is just trying to be friends.


 


Fast forward a few weeks and he sent some messages to the social site flirting and trying to get a flirty conversation going. I went with it. A few days ago I get some texts from him (at this point I gave him my number) and he was flirting with me and told me that he can't stop thinking about me. He said he wished I was with him. The conversation lasted for quite a while. I still hadn't brought up his girlfriend. I was trying to figure out, is this guy a cheater, is something missing from his relationship, or is looking for a better deal. He said he wanted to go to lunch at the end of the week which was the only day he had available. These messages seemed pretty serious to me and I didn't feel that he was just trying to play.


 


So I sent him a message at work asking what time he wanted to leave for lunch. I sat and waited and it became apparent that he must have left. I went out and came back later and he was at his desk, never read my message. So I walked to his desk and asked directly if he read it. He said no, looked it up and said, "Oh I forgot about that. Something came up. Next week!" He could tell by the look on my face I was not happy and I walked away. He sent an IM saying he was sorry and he really did forget. I told him that I thought he was flaky. By that I meant that he had stood me up that day and there was another occasion where we were supposed to do lunch but he later then said "Maybe." I felt like he was trying to make some sort of power play with me so I said "No thanks." Whether or not people go to lunch with me doesn't bother me, I'm an adult and I can go to lunch by myself. So it annoys me that anyone might try to make a power play out of it like I'm dying to go to lunch with them.


 


He was very upset and worried after this afternoon and asked if we could meet after work to talk to which I said No. He said he had a girlfriend and his kids and that "flirting was fun, but…" and that he didn't want to lead me on. All I said was okay. He asked again for me to meet up with him and I said that I was angry at how he treated me, that I thought he was flaky and that I didn't feel it was a good idea as I wasn't going to be very nice to him. He said he wanted me to talk to him later and tell him what I meant by flaky.


 


I have never dated a man who was married or in a relationship and I don't want to change now. I was open to hearing him out as to whether or not his relationship wasn't working out and seeing if he was interested in me. I know looks aren't everything but I am younger than his girlfriend and look young for my age. I am considered attractive and workout a lot. I thought maybe they fight a lot or one isn't in love with the other who knows. And I was curious if maybe he thought I was a better prospect.


 


Why did he do this? Was he just drunk that evening and having a moment? Is he wanting to be with me and chickened out? I can forgive the flirting and be just friends, but not being stood up. I do not intend to go to lunch with him again for a very long time. I want him to realize I'm not interested in being toyed around with.


 


I know he will text me over the weekend and I haven't completely figured out what to say yet.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean :

Hello, thank you for your post. I am available to assist you with your question.

Jean :

You sound like a smart, confident, and now confused woman! From what you describe you are right to be cautious with this guy.

Jean :

Hi, can you join me for a live chat?

Customer:

oh is this a chat?

Customer:

I didn't realize this site did that

Jean :

Yes

Customer:

Yes I try to be cautious with people in general

Jean :

We do live chat, it can be helpful to share additional information or ask questions as we go.

Customer:

ah okay

Jean :

I can see where this man has you confused, such mixed messages.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I would say being stood up hurt my feelings moreso

Customer:

I just don't care for that kind of behavior

Jean :

For sure has an interest in you, but... does seem to be playing both sides. That was rude for anyone to do to someone.

Customer:

have you seen this sort of thing before where the person is in a relationship they might want out of?

Jean :

Certainly, yes, or they want both.

Customer:

Do you think he flaked on purpose?

Jean :

Remains in one relationship and keeps his options open? Flaked on purpose, hmmm- that may be part of this- and it can feel like a game.

Customer:

So what is your diagnosis lol

Jean :

It was a good idea for you to quickly respond to that and step back from the situation- a strong message you do not operate in that way. Setting boundaries from the get go.

Customer:

okay

Jean :

From what I gather he's one to be cautious with- like you have- stepping back and watch how this guy operates. It has a "player" feel to it.

Customer:

I thought that too

Customer:

but the fact that he didn't go to lunch with me and said "flirting is fun, but..." made me think he doesn't really cheat

Customer:

unless you think that's just part of the game

Jean :

Of course it's fun to flirt- but if he's in a committed relationship, that's not okay. Right- but the flirting may be his way of testing to see what you will tolerate with a guy who has a girlfriend.

Customer:

ah okay

Customer:

why ask me to meet up though

Jean :

You setting boundaries so quickly and clearly is exactly what I would encourage you to do. He invites you to meet up because he's attracted to you/interested.

Customer:

okay

Customer:

I can be very intimidating to men and unreadable. (I am an engineer) So I was going to try to be less scary. When he talks to me tell him that I don't appreciate being stood up or jerk around about going to lunches. And then I was planning to not do any lunches for a few months. I would like to leave things open to being friends just in case. (I know that's bad.)

Customer:

But yet sound a bit commanding with it

Jean :

You being strong and confident and telling him how it is "flaked out", gives him lots to think about- that you will not tolerate such things- thus you will unlikely tolerate being the other woman- sort of thing. If anything your strength and setting boundaries may result in him pursuing you more. He does sound charming. No, a girl can always leave her options open- that's okay.

Customer:

okay thanks

Jean :

If you go into it as you are- careful, watchful, cautious, and clearly setting those boundaries- you won't have unrealistic expectations, chances of getting hurt are less.

Customer:

do you think something is missing from his relationship?

Customer:

I guess people don't need reasons to cheat or not commit...

Jean :

He's probably attracted already to your "strength" . Yes, something may be missing- or he's unsure of what he wants- especially with history of divorce. Did you mention he's been "shopping" on line for dates?

Customer:

His wife became very sick, as in she went to a mental hospital. I actually believe it because he showed me some text messages from her and she doesn't make sense. So I think his divorce was the result of a lot of problems

Customer:

I don't think he's been shopping online for dates...who knows what he's been doing since becoming in his current relationship. I know before that he said he did online dating.

Customer:

I would not be surprised if he looks around or flirts with others.

Jean :

Is this mystery a bit attractive? When a guy makes you think and wonder as you are- can draw you in. I would imagine he's hurting in some sense from that relationship- very complicated, with mental illness, and all.

Customer:

mystery of his past?

Customer:

not really

Customer:

I don't really feel it is a mystery

Customer:

I know he thinks I am a puzzle, has mentioned it a few times

Jean :

The mystery of trying to figure this guy out- some mixed messages- trying to figure out things..

Customer:

ohhhh

Customer:

I don't know. I do know that I like certain aspects of his personality. I always draw to very intelligent men and he definitely fits that bill.

Customer:

He is my "type" which is not always a good thing

Customer:

We have common interests too, which was a problem in a past relationship I had with someone. So I think he would be easy to be with

Jean :

Keep him guessing- that's good. The type you are attracted to, not always worked out? Because of that it's very wise of you to take a look at this- carefully.

Customer:

I tend to be pick very selfish men. The last one I met at work and I kept him at a distance for months and tried to figure him out. I thought I picked very well. He was probably worse than the others. Very self-centered.

Customer:

He treated me like a princess for 4 months and then changed.

Jean :

It's hard to "see it coming" in relationships, sometimes. It's interesting how he was so open about a girlfriend- so maybe he's more of an open book, vs. hiding important info.

Customer:

Yes I thought that too

Customer:

At least he didn't try to hide that

Customer:

or I thought though he might use that later as in "look you knew I had a girlfriend."

Customer:

But I see how he is with his kids, positive and encouraging, whereas my exes tended to put people down and no one was good enough

Customer:

I don't think he doing that for show, it's how he is, so I see a lot of positive traits. And I could tell he was really upset that I was mad

Jean :

So trusting the goodness, but at the same time, being careful- setting boundaries. That's part of this though- if he shows more interest- I get the sense you will have the "talk" about his g.f. and your stance on that.

Customer:

Yes I would find a nice way to say something about his girlfriend to show we can be friends but as long as she is in the picture...

Jean :

Being open and honest from the get go- that's healthy- and I hear you doing that.

Customer:

okay good

Customer:

I just wanted to know what someone else thought

Customer:

my feelings were hurt like a kid at school that got stood up for lunch

Customer:

I don't deal with people who play games

Jean :

It will be interesting where this goes- look at it with the curiosity of a Buddha :) "I wonder how this will turn out". Not a lot of expectations, but enjoying meeting someone new.

Customer:

lol. Okay thanks.

Customer:

thank you for your help.

Jean :

Watch and see where it goes. You are welcome- glad to help.

Customer:

okay thanks.

Jean :

I respect your strength and assertiveness- great qualities

Jean :

Take care!

Customer:

Thanks!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
Jean and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
100 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.