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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1146
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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ok so me an my girlfirend dated from february till the very

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ok so me an my girlfirend dated from february till the very beginning of june an i had extrodinary feelings for her. she left because of a personal issue an she lost her feeling at that point in time and i was hurt. she was gone for about 2 months. in that time i didnt know much. after a month of bein broken up i asked her if it was someone else an she said i dont wanna hurt you but yes. turns out it was one of her friends she knew for 3 years. an i didnt talk to her really after that other than asking how she was doin once in a while. but after she told me that i was thinkin to myself well she found someone i guess i got to try move on. she was still on my mind every day. so in the beginning of august she texted me an she wanted to see me an stuff an she missed me an i told her i missed her too. after that 2 days later we met up an hung out an that night we talked an kissed an said we missed eachother. an now its been like 3 weeks an it feels different. like it feels like my feelings arent as strong but i want them to be the way they were when we 1st dated an it hurts not having all of them when she does. what could this be???
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

Thanks for your question and I would like to be of help.

Your feelings are completely normal and there are two issues that involve what you are going through. First off she hurt you bad and what she did was immature. If things were not going well between the two of you then she should have discussed this with you rather than looking elsewhere. This is common, but not really the way individuals should view things. This is because when we are in a relationship our focus should be that person alone. When we are not ready to be committed or if we do not have a strong sense of self then it can be easy to fall into the arms of another and this is what I think happened to her. Rather than working on the relationship with you she thought the grass was greener on the other side. This breaks the trust completely because you were left shocked, hurt, and full of deception. This is why even though you wanted her back your feelings are not as strong because of what she caused. It is not your fault at all, but when the trust was broken by what she did she actually cut a piece of your love out. Subconsciously you may be afraid to let your guard down and love her completely again because you are worried she can do the same thing again. This is completely normal and in order for things to be the way they were the relationship would need to be rebuilt in time. Maybe it is not something you want any longer, but if it is then the best thing you can do is give it some time to heal. She really needs to prove her love to you in this time and that she can be trusted before you give yourself 100 percent. It is really something that she needs to do her part with because she is the one that caused this change. This may take time, but can work if you both are truly willing. My suggestion to you is to look deep within yourself in order to decide if this is indeed what you still want and if it is give it time and build it little by little. This is completely normal, but it is very important that she understands her role in this because if she does not see why this was caused she may blame you. This will make things more difficult.

Now in addition to this the second aspect that i had mentioned and that I just want you to keep in mind is that even when relationships do not go through what yours did feelings can change. This does not mean the feelings are not there. In the beginning everyone is their best and the feelings are fluttering, but in time there are ups and downs because relationships take work. So I would try to separate what changes you are feeling are due to this and what changes are due to what I explained above. For the above it would need time and for just the fact that relationships change in time you would just need to understand this. However, this does not mean that the feelings are not there any longer. You should still feel the love and it will be a deeper love. I just want you to understand that relationships go through changes. In time as relationships progress we may not have the " butterflies" in the stomach love, but we do get closer to one another and get into a phase of deeper love and understanding for one another.

I would analyze and think about everything I wrote in order to understand your feelings and make sense of what is happening in order for you to do what is best for you.

I wish you well and please let me know if I can help further.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


that did help! but theres more. the 1st night we talked about all this, we talked about everything. it turns out she wasnt technically dating this guy. she told me he was there to give her motivation an she told me she never really like him like that. she was in a bad position with her issue an she wanted the motivation from someone she hated than the one she loved. but before she told me that i believed it was just someone else like she said. but 2 nights ago we were at her house watching tv and she looked like she was a little down an i asked her whats wrong an she said i dont know i just been thinking. and i asked her what about? she said about work an school an us. i asked what about us. she had a long pause an she said what if dont ever get those feeling back? an i told her i think its because i just need time. an we talked an she asked why dont you love me now? if you loved me now then you would of forgiven me an be like we were. i told her i forgive her but my feelings arent as strong like they were. an she said if i dont love her now then i never did love her. an i started to feel guilty because it feels like its all on me. i just felt interrogated with all these love questions. an i told her how my feeling were. like they feel like theyre there an then theyre not then some are there then theyre not then all of them are there then theyre not. an to be honest i never been in this situation before where i had a girl ask me back. so i feel like i got a short time frame to get my feelings backor shes gonna leave. she said shes not goin to cause she loves me. an i dont throw around the term "i love you" like everyone else does. i say it when its right. like when we were together the 1st time, i felt like she was the one i wanna spend the rest of my life with an be there for everything. an i was so close to saying those 3 words before she left. but to me it feels like shes already got herself prepared for me not having those feeling anymore an it doesnt help me. i just want her to understand that i just wanna go with the flow an see where all this takes us w/o asking those types of questions like do you have your feelings back or do you love me cause that just puts more pressure on me. i mean it might take us days, weeks, or months

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I understand what you are feeling completely and you should not feel guilty at all. I see this a lot that when one person makes a mistakes in the relationship they feel the other should just forgive them and everything will be like it was before. This would be nice in a perfect world and if we were robots, but in reality it just doesn't work like that. It is easy for the one who wronged the other to feel like that, but if it were the other way around it would be a whole different story. The truth is that people need time to heal and relationships to rebuild. It is wonderful when one is sorry and the other forgives. However, this is when the healing begins. It can not be done overnight just as people do not change overnight. The one that got hurt needs time to heal and see the trust being rebuilt. Even though she did not cheat she still broke the trust because you both were committed for three years then to pick up and leave because she went through a difficult time in her life leaves you wondering. What if she goes through a hard time in life and does it again. It is very important for her to understand what toll her actions took on your relationship. Rather than pressure you she should be doing all that she can in order to prove to you she has and is changing. The best thing you can do is explain this to her and try to get her to see things from your view, but by no means you should feel pressured or guilty. You did nothing wrong and your feelings are the consequences of her actions. It will take her seeing things in a different light in order for this to work. Otherwise she will continue to pressure you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


that helps more. i got advice from my friend an my brother saying you can forgive but youll never forget. we were together for 3-4 months an known each for like 3/4 of a year. when we were with eachother, i never felt like this for any other girl. but will time bring back these feelings that i had before she left? cause my buddy gave me more advice saying go home, lay in bed, look at the cieling, an tell your self what do you want. so i thought an i told him i want the way we were before she left. so he said ok then strive for that an give it time


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
It is my pleasure to help. I agree with what your friend suggested to you. Since this is what you want I would say to do your part from here. You do need time and I do believe if you truly want this then your feelings will come back. An important factor here is that she plays an important role in this. If she is not understanding to your feelings and pressuring you that will only make things worse. I would recommend lots of communication between the both of you as well as being understanding to her that she misses your love. But at the same time express to her how you are feeling and what you truly want. Let her know it is not that the love is not there, but rather it was hurt and needs time to heal. Express how it will take time and want to work together to make it work because if that is what you both truly want. Your relationship can be healed and rebuilt, but it is very important that she does her part as well and not demands things to be the same overnight.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


well im talking to her now an she doesnt know what to do. were both hurt an she wants me to make a decision an also sayin she doesnt know what to do. she said she doesnt wanna leave but she trying to figure out weather to stay or not an everything shes telling me is not helping. i tried explaining to her about what you told me but she said its just hurting both of us. she said it wil be hard for her to go all the way back to square 1 when shes at square 50 an she'll be at square 60 by the time at square. shes assuming all these negative thoughts an its not helping.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
That is unfortunate because no one can blame you for the way you are feeling. You have every right to feel like that and if she loves you she will understand this. It seems like she does not want to risk your feelings not coming back and prefers to not take the risk if that is the case and wants everything to be perfect at the present. The fact is you have a reason to feel the way you do and she can not force you to feel differently. I would be able
to understand her side better if your feelings just changed out of no where. However, this is not what happened. Therefore she is trying to protect herself rather than see the reality of what happened and where the relationship is currently. You both would need to be able to come to an agreement in moving forward and she would need to take responsibility for what she has done in order for this to work. The same risk she will be taking of your feelings not coming back is the same risk you would be taking that she could repeat that behavior again. The difference even for you is that she has a history of it and you did nothing wrong to cause your feelings to change.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1146
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


well we talked this past sunday night an i told her my point of view. but what she responde back was she wants a clean break. a clean break mean no contact or interactions with eachother. but from what she told me what she meant a clean break is she is done but wants to be friends till she gets over me. so i asked her if we could have this again an she said not till i get over you. i told her that didnt make sense an her response to that was you want a new beginning and i cant do that till im over it. so i asked if she is just goin to completely fall out of love an she said you cant just fall out of love you just learn to get over it. so i asked her so when you get over it then an she said yea. to you what does it sound like shes trying to say?

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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
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I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.