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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Ive been in a relationship on and off for 5 yrs with a woman

Customer Question

I've been in a relationship on and off for 5 yrs with a woman I truly love who is bipolar II.....Six months ago she text me one day saying she could no longer see me anymore as I have not been supportive toward her etc.....I let her be for a month...sent her a card and we got back together again....now this past week, the anniversary of her father's death while in therapy she got into a panic attack and they had to submit her to the hospital....haven't heard from her in 3 days and she finally text me saying she can no longer see me anymore as her doctors had not allow her to do so because I was a trigger to her heath...she then said she had mailed me a letter and for me to read it....told me not to call her anymore etc and for me to respect her and her recovery.....I got the letter the other day and I thought it was going to say the same thing as last time...instead the letter had stated that while in the hospital she was thinking about what to do about our relationship..she said she knows I love her alot but after review of our relationship she no longer feel same love she does for me...she has tried to fall in love again but due to my negativities it had faded away as well as part of the reasoning for her triggering...she said she can no longer provide love and for me to find someone who can as she no longer can....she thank me for everything and stated she will be retuening my cell phone (which I got for her and $60 she owed me)....I'm confused before she went to hospital she had text me calling me sweetie, will let me know what will happen at the hospital and just 2 weeks ago we went to Kings Dominion and had a fun time....few days later I went to her place and she made dinner....I'm confused......is this time for real or is it her health and bipolar talking to her as well as her therapists not allowing her to see me anymore....last time I left her alone and gave her space for month and half and she called me back again...not so sure now.....please advice....Thanx!
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
Hi and welcome back.

I understand how frustrating this must be for you. Bipolar is a very difficult illness to live with and not only for the individuals whom have it, but also for their loved ones, friends, and family. I can not tell you if indeed it is over this time. However, I would advise you to take this time to think about the relationship and if you truly want this for your life. This is because even if it is her illness talking which can very well be since she is in treatment now this may be the pattern of the future of your relationship. A significant aspect of bipolar are the "highs" and the "lows". It may be for real , may be due to the doctors trying to help, or can be mixed feelings and emotions. When bipolar patients are not stable and need treatment they usually are not in their "right" minds to make any important decisions. It really comes down to you deciding if you want to wait to see if this is truly what she wants and if you are willing to go through this for the years to come. Relationships with a bipolar person can be unpredictable. I would recommend researching about the illness in order to decide if you truly want this for your life as you then would need to accept the unstableness of it.

I wish you all the best and please let me know if I can be of further help.

Jen
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

I know about bipolar disease and I know whenever she goes thru panic attacks she gets like this...this time it was her dad's anniversary death and she told me before all this happened it was going to be a rough week for her.....I just cannot understand how 2 weeks ago we went to an amusement park, had fun together...she went to the beach following week to visit a friend and bought me a shirt and shot glass from there...and now week later she says she is no longer in love.....I agree with you it could be her illness as well as her doctor's telling her not to see me anymore.....she stated I was a trigger to her anxiety due to some of my negative looks at things.....I sent her a letter today thanking her for her love and apologizing her for my negativity driving her love away from me and told her I will be her friend and if she ever needs me to let me know.....I haven't text or call or since....only been 4 days....So you're not sure if this is for real this time or just what she is going to...after all she had to be taken by ambulance to a hospital from her therapist office after her panic attack.....I been with her for 5 yrs and know what I have to go thru...I love her alot though.....

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
I think that you have good insight to all of this and this is important. You both have been together a long time and things did seem to be going well, so I can not say for sure, but it is surely a strong possibility that her action has to do with her illness. It sounds like everything was wonderful a little before and your confusion is justifies. This is why i believe the chance of it being her illness are extremely high. You did the right thing in writing that letter to her. The anniversary of her father's death is also a huge aspect that could have also helped trigger this breakdown. It seems like you love her a lot and you want to do everything in your power to save the relationship. If you are sure this is what you want then I would suggest giving her space and waiting it out and see what happens when she gets better then go from there. You already wrote a letter letting her know how you feel and that you are there for her. I would take this time to focus on yourself and work on any issue that you think can hinder the relationship, such as the negativity you had mentioned. That way if she does come back you will be that much stronger and positive for the relationship. Even in the worse case that you both did not get back you will still be taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you in the relationship as well as outside of it.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I just find it strange few days before she went to the hospital she was texting me calling me sweetie (as she always dud ) and two days latercshectells me she doesntvsee our relationship going anywhere as she tried to love me again but can't .... so I'm not really sure if she is serious this time or like you said her illness she's goingbthrubright now..... sounds like same issue I went through 6 months agobexceptvbak then she didn't tell me she wasn't in love with me. What you suggest this time?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
It really does sound the same to me based on everything you explained. For her to just change out of nowhere when everything was going well and being that she had done this before shows that it is more than likely it is due to her illness. This is common in these patients. When they are ill they may say and do things that they really do not mean. They may even think there loved ones are against them or want to hurt them. Since she is in treatment now I would respect her wishes, but it would be impossible to take what she is saying seriously since she is not herself right now. I would try your best to wait it out then go from there. But again it really does sound like her illness and not her true feelings based on the entire situation.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
So would you suggest to just leave her alone like last time, which lasted month and half? I planned on sending hervhiwcare you card next month.... I know she will be having some spinal surgery next month and maybe a get well card letting her know I'm thinking if her.... Ms, Helent this poor girl is sick just about every day whether it's her illness or her back or something....by way she is 45 and I'm 51.... I never been marked neither her .... her family disowned her when she was 18.... she has really gone thru a lot..... I had bought her a Ravens jersey I wanted to give her for football season next month..... shall I still send it to her.....no to mention she till has my cell phone I'm paying for she said she would return which I told her to keep anyway..... what u suggest ? And Thanx for your great replies as it is making me get an open mind if all this.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
It is my pleasure to help and I do understand how difficult this is. I would give her some space for a while until she gets better and see if she contacts you. If not i would give her a call or send her a letter to see how she is doing. I would also remind her of how you feel and confirm where the two of you stand because sometimes when the patient is better from the episode they may not remember everything that was said and done and could possibly distort the truth. This would be good to confirm everything so there is no miscommunication. However, I would first give her time to contact you. In th meantime if you at both friends I would send her the get well card. That would be nice and thoughtful. She will also see that you remembered and care. You can also send her the jersey along with a note letting her know you had bought it previously and wanted to give it to her anyway. As for the phone you already told her to keep it so I would see what she does from here. Then when she gets better you can make a clearer decision as to which road to take with the phone depending how it all plays out and what you are wanting to do.

I hope this was all helpful and I will be here anytime you may need, so feel free to follow up anytime.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Yes very helpful .... so you think this is a breakdown of what happened 6 mos ago with a different twist and do yiunthinkninwill ever hear from her again. ?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
No one knows for sure what she feels, but looking at things objectively it does seem to me to be due to the breakdown she is currently having similar to what happened 6 months ago, but like you said with a different twist. I highly doubt that is her true feelings. I think when she is better and thinking clearly she will contact you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Even if therapists are telling her she not allow to see me anymore?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
Unless you were abusive to her then they may be giving her a recommendation as to what they think is best for her currently. However, when she is out of the hospital it is up to her to make her own decisions unless she is legally under the care of another. Therapist can make suggestions, but do not have the right nor power to rule in ones life.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
No in 5 yrs I been with her I have never been abusive to her.I have always respected her .... she has a picking issue to her arms and legs due to her anxiety and I have told to stop every now and then and she dislikes it saying it triggers her so I have stopped but only thing I can see its like she said I have some negativity in me that' triggers her and by that I mean my views toward way things are happening worldwide.... After review of all we have talked I think you are correct her illness may have made her decisions she is not aware..... so you justvsuggestvto give time and sending a hinkng if you card hurt in anyway?




Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
I agree with you. Sometimes when people try to help as you were when you suggested she stopped picking herself others can take it the wrong way. As she is not well right now she may bring things up to the doctors as your views on the world and that you are a trigger when you do not want her to pick herself, so they try to remove these things from her. This may be best while under treatment, but not long term. It is obvious to me that you care about her and the fact you ask her to stop picking herself is to help her. I believe that even when our loved ones have problems it is our goal to help them when we truly love them and not just keep them comfortable by allowing them to do things that are not good for them. Of course that is the easy route and sometimes we may resort to that when our help is pushed to the side, but it is always good to do our part and try just as you have done. It sounds like you want the best for her. I would surely give her space, but I do not think there is anything wrong with sending a card. I would just take it easy and send one or two and just wait until she heals.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Last question I promise ..... You have been great and will definitely get an excellent service because it was great service and not just I wanted to hear..... what is chance I will ever hear from her again and just give me an honest answer and not what I want to hear
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
Thank you and I do believe in honest answers. All of my answers have been what I honestly feel. There is really no number I can put on it, but based on everything you told me I believe the chances of you hearing from her again are extremely high. In my opinion I think there is much more chance she will contact you as she did before than not. I do not want to get your hopes up, but that is truly my honest answer.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Thank you so much fir your help in helping me clear this out..... is it ok if I let you know how this progresses and if so I do I go out doing it?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 11 months ago.
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