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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Ive been living with my boyfriend for a year now, along with

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I've been living with my boyfriend for a year now, along with my son. We have been together for 2 years now. Before we decided to move in together I found our that in early stages of our relationship he was dating other women while I was made to believe to be exclusive. He went to a concert with one, invited another over for dinner at his house and on one of his golf trips gave his number to a stripper and actually exchanged text messages with her, inviting her to visit with him for a weekend. We were involved emotionally and sexually at that point. Now I have hard time trusting him...I love him but can't get rid if a feeling of betrayal and mistrust. I think he has been committed entirely to me for the past year but this early episodes, when I was just learning to trust him, left me slightly paranoid. I will remind him of those episodes during arguments and he can't understand why I have a problem with past issues. What can u do to get over that feeling...?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.


First, allow me to say I can imagine how hurtful and frustrating this situation is for you. Clearly, you are a loving and caring person and you want to receive that love and caring back. And your boyfriend's behavior early on now makes you feel like that loving and caring is broken. It would be that if your relationship together was a beautiful china vase, it is cracked now.

 

And this is the key that I want you to use to reorient your view of what is actually happening. This view of relationships is something I see so often in couples therapy and it, unfortunately, almost always leads to disappointments and hurts, especially in our days. Your boyfriend's behavior early on in the relationship, for example, is so common today when commitment is seen as the opposite of fun and freedom in our society. Therefore, men rather often do the "fun on the side" behavior as they try to navigate these values and issues.

But relationships aren't really like china vases. They are like a lily plant that you put in the center of your garden. A lily plant is something that you have to nurture in order for it to grow. And sometimes we forget to water at the right time and sometimes we are careless or angry or stubborn, etc. But we move forward and nurture some more and it comes back to health and full bloom.

You have a man who affirms his love for you, has made his peace with commitment, and is now close to everything you want. But a Pandora's box was opened and you can't find a way to close it. So let me give you the tool:

You see the desire for other women in your mind with your man and you focus on one moment in time: his infatuations before you became his real girlfriend. You look at his early behavior in your mind and you see yourself being diminished.


I want you to reorient your view: when you think of him you need to focus on THE PRESENT: he chose YOU. he affirmed his love for YOU. he saw through his need for fun, freedom, immaturity to see how valuable YOU are.


I'm not talking about pretense. What I wrote above is not a pretense. It is the truth when you look at the present: he cares about you enough to pursue getting closer with you for the long term, not just a brief relationship. That is a truth. You need to be able to look at the truth and reality, not at the past. Look at the lily plant blooming and not the struggle to get to this good moment.



I want to end off by saying again that I want you to reorient your thinking. To be joyful and to look up to heaven if you are a religious person and thank G-d that He provided you with a boyfriend who has made the right choice in life and appreciates your love enough to want to be together. You have something to rejoice about.

This is how you let it go. You don't need therapy about this. You need to print out my answer and keep it with you and use it every time you have thoughts that make you feel sad about the past. You have what to rejoice about.

I wish you the very best!

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Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark

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