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llw26
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 62
Experience:  LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
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Hi like I mentioned before in a relationship for four years

Resolved Question:

Hi like I mentioned before in a relationship for four years !! Living together !! At this point I am not happy anymore ! Cause my boyfriend we don't communicate or he is not honest even small things !! I do love this person but it seems awards ! He knows my concerns about not having enough sex I mentioned to him couple of times already and he continues not satisfying me with mire days of pleasure ! Rather he masturbates. How many times that I don't know !! But why he does that instead of coming with me !! That's feels very sad and I feel he is not interesting on me as a woman anymore !! Other thing that bothers me too is this Sunday he went to work and after work he likes to play soccer in a team an decided to go after work !! He ended his game and I was at work !! And we were texting each other !! But he was keep saying that he stay talking with his friends bla bla bla ! He keep saying I am going home already ! That text was around 7pm. That day was our anniversary 4th year anniversary !! But we both had to work that weekend. He told me that he pass through my job and left me something on The car. I checked and there was a gift inside the car. Later I called him to say thanks but my real reason was to see where he was ? I ask him hi where are you ? And he said I am doing laundry !! That was around 8:40pm. And then i said thank you for the gift !! Well I find out that at the time I called him was not at the laundry place !! He was not at home either !! Why cause I have Camaras at home for that reason !! He did not got home until 8:55 pm. And then he left to do laundry at 9:20 pm. Why he lye to me on something basic !! Please help !! I am tired of this relationship that he does not honest with small things should i talk to him ?? What should I say ? Should I mentioned the masturbation part ? Please help ! I am not happy anymore !!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  llw26 replied 1 year ago.

llw26 :

Hello -- I hope I can assist you with your relationship troubles. First question though, have you attempted to discuss the relationship with him?

Customer:

I did already but does say too much

Customer:

Does not say too much

Customer:

Hello

llw26 :

hello -- okay so it sounds like you've tried to establish a discussion on your relationship and that's not working. Are you happy in the realationship?

Customer:

I love him but at this time I don't know

llw26 :

Has this happened before in your relationship or has something changed?

Customer:

Sex life change !! Was good before but now is maybe two times a week ! And I did told him my concerns ! I even said that I would get a toy he got upset !! And he says I better not that I am crazy think about sex all the time that he is tired and works a lot !! But I just find out that he masturbates

llw26 :

So when did you sex life change? In what ways did it change, just decrease in the number of times you're engaging in sexual activity per week?

Customer:

Yeah just decrease !! But he masturbates ! He does not know that I know !!

llw26 :

It sounds as though there may be some trust issues going on with the relationship -- have you tried couples therapy?

llw26 :

Many people masturbate in relationships, when it becomes a problem is when masturbating takes over and the intimacy and sexual relations you may be having with your partner stop all together or decrease significantly. I think that the fact that you put cameras in your home to catch your partner doing something signifies something is wrong -- there needs to be a discussion on your relationship and what you both want...if you both see different paths in your relationship then it may be time to move on, if not then you both need to begin to work through the problems in the relationship together with or without a therapist.

Customer:

Should I mentioned again for the THird time that I am not happy in the relationship cause of my sex needs ? Should i mementioned to him that I know he masturbates ? Of course I have the evidence on the underwear which he clean with it !!

llw26 :

At some point you have to ask yourself, how many times am I going to tell him I am unhappy in this relationship? Maybe the third times the charm, as they say. He may actually be tired from work or stress or just daily living, but these things needs to be communicated so you two are on the same page with respect to your relationship. Further, are you ready to possibly open up a can of worms with stating that you know he masturbates?

Customer:

Why is that bad ?? You think !!

Customer:

I just want him to know that why he does that and not look for me ! Maybe he is not on to me anymore

llw26 :

Well, I think that since you videotaped some where in your home, he may feel that there's a sense of trust that was lost with that. Think about how you might feel if someone videotaped you without your knowledge then came to you with evidence of something private -- how would you feel? what might you say to them? what thoughts might be going through your head?

Customer:

Well I got your point ! And I would be a little upset !! But my question is i woold not going to reveal that I have a camera I just going to mentioned about the underwear. That's the evidence !!

llw26 :

Again, I am going to play devils advocate and ask you -- why might you be looking at his underwear that closely? Is this something he might think of? It just seems like this might be something you really want to consider before bringing up, I could see it going south very quickly discussing it.

Customer:

So I guess I just keep quite and be unhappy !!

llw26 :

That's not what I am saying -- what I am saying is that you need to discuss how to bring the spark back into your relationship

llw26 :

Start working on other areas of intimacy -- cooking him a fancy dinner, giving him a back massage, watching his favorite tv show or sports game, buying his favorite beer or soda. These are ways to bring the intimacy back into your love life.

Customer:

So the masturbation part is out of the subject ? How can I mentioned about my feelings hurt cause he does not give me more sex !!

Customer:

Hello I do all that ! Believe me !! And that is not helping

llw26 :

Okay, well I did not know that you've tried that before. If you were to walk in on him masturbating, I would then say it would be appropriate to discuss or you could tip toe around the subject, making a statement such as "you know before we were having sex x amount of times a week and now we are not, do you ever feel sexually frustrated? if so, what are you doing to concur that? I feel sexually frustrated since we are not having sex as much any more." You can also flat our say that your feelings are hurt because you're not having sex as often

llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 62
Experience: LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
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