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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5110
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Was in a relationship 4 yrs very loving no dramas, bf been

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Was in a relationship 4 yrs very loving no dramas, bf been married twice before, been badly heart, couldn't move forward so ended things, I have been married. This was 3 months ago. We had no contact( no pleading or begging stuff on my part) for one month. We both use to dance together, then out of the blue he turned up. Friendly happy etc. then started coming regularly to dancing asking which one I would be at. We have been for coffee over this last month, been out for lunch. General chit chat nothing about our relationship. Just talking about places we have been etc. all his actions are very positive. No awkwardness. But now I am confused and want to know is this just friendliness. Or is he looking to reconnect. Can you give me any advise please. I now just feel so sick.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a normal, caring person. You're normal in that you recognize this is not quite normal on his part. You're caring in that you recognize this is not necessarily a sign of anything wrong with him, that it may be the efforts of someone who is not comfortable being very "forward" about feelings toward a possible partner.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You want him to continue his advances toward you. Therefore, you need to give it some more time and be willing to tolerate the uncertainty for a while longer. Really, that's what's going on here:

He's making advances toward you. But they're halting. You (and I do as well for your sake as you want to get back together) hope that his advances do not stop at just this, friendliness. That he keeps moving forward towards really getting back together. But for you to rush him at this point so that you can have clarity will be counterproductive. You are emotionally stronger, so let yourself enjoy this.

Yes, enjoy this. Take it slow and let him move at his pace. Don't try to have clarity about his intentions and what will happen. Rather enjoy that he is making these efforts. More than likely they are taking a lot of emotional effort on his part to be this forward even.

Now, you do have to be you. That means that if after a few weeks he still hasn't made it clear what's going on, then you will need to step in. I don't think asking is the best way. Rather, let him know that you would like more than just a friendship with him and therefore you would like to know what his thoughts on that are. After a few weeks, this conversation will be appropriate.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Just one more thing, if he is an actions speak louder than words man, and not very good at verbalising feelings, do you really think this is his way of gradually wanting me back. As In the 4 years he has only told me 3 times that he loves me. If I wait a few more weeks, and say what you said, regarding I want more than this friendship, is that me chasing him or just giving him a gentle nugg to get things moving. I have read a lot of books regarding actions that guys show, and I probably missed a lot of his, and realise now how super positive they were. And because I had been married for 30 years had no idea what I was looking at, as my husband was mostly words. I know you can't, give a time spam but because he has been so positive, in the last two months increasing gradually can you just give an approximate time I should wait. Thanks for you advise.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Waiting is a risk/benefit ratio type of question. Here's what I mean:


You of course are worried about scaring him off. That's the risk of being open and "natural". Right?


But remember, this natural is natural to you. And you are comfortable with this natural. His natural may be this halting, rarely open type of behavior. Not a lot of reinforcement. You having a lot of faith in his positive feelings toward you because he doesn't let them out a lot. Etc.


That's not necessarily a lot of benefit for someone who's emotionally open as you are. So you have to decide if you want to have this type of relationship, wherein you are every so often not sure about how he feels and he closes up. He may not close up to the point of dropping out of your life for a couple of months, but he might become an emotional clam, so to speak.


Is this worth it to you? Now, it might be. You and only you know if this is a man who you want to give this type of latitude and attention to. If so, then you could wait two, four, six months and still be in the same boat (I guess 6 months you'd probably say is too long, the ratio isn't worth it, you'd take the risk of being open and having "the conversation"). But certainly 2 months is a possible time frame for him, right?


So, it's in your hands, remember that. You are the one who has to decide what you want. You don't have to decide all or nothing today. But give yourself an idea. If 3 months, 12 weeks, is as long as you want to wait, fine. You set the parameters of your risk/benefit ratio here, okay?


And if you decide you need to move on at some point because this is just too closed up for you and you need a different type of relationship, that's certainly okay as well and I would support that also.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5110
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
With regards to my situation. A couple of weeks ago sent him a text if he was free would he like to catch up for coffee. He rang me said he was out fishing, but if I would like to meet him at the boat ramp we could fish, have lunch, have coffee etc. ( we both like fishing very much by the way). So I went we had a great day. That was a Sunday. Monday he came to dancing like normal. But nothing else just said glad I had a good time at fishing etc. I went home. Then didn't see him for two weeks, as he didn't call or text. Cause all his contact has been through dancing, then last Thursday he turned up at dancing. Friendly happy etc. so I thought I'd be bold ask if he was fishing on the weekend could I come. He said he'd let me know, that was fine. Friday night sent me a text, to meet him 4.00am at the boat ramp, which I did. We had a great day, talked a little about our past etc, he seemed comfortable so I asked his thoughts on getting back, he paused said he didn't know, their was nothing there but enjoyed my company. That was fine. I left it at that there didn't seem to be ant awkwardness and we finished our day around 4.30pm. Just a step back at one stage went I got off the boat to get us coffee, I received a phone call from a blocked caller, warning me to stay away from him he had moved on. I was a little shocked because I didn't know who this person was. I was very angry, but did not tell him anything about it. Just left it. But when We got back at 4.30pm I thanked him for a great day. He said ill see you at dancing ( but I was fuming by this stage) but calmly said sorry I got my answer today have a nice life, I won't be seeing you again..he was dumb founded and just what we had such a good day. I said bye and left. On the way home I started thinking this is not right, something stinks here, I need to explain to him. I can't leave it like this. I knew where he was dropping the boat off too cause it was having some things done to it so went to explain. Off course when he saw me he was a little angry, but I was calm and said I have to explain, please here me out. Anyway long story short . He was so angry to think someone was trying to destroy our friendship. I became a little emotional, crying but he was very consoling and embarrassed me and said he was glad I filled him in, cause he just could not understand, my reaction, when we had such a great day. He did come back to my house to make sure I was ok. He left about 9.30pm. Have I blown things or do you think their is hope. As he seems to only communicate with me through dancing now. Any advise would be great.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
Hi. I'm sorry for the delay, I just got back from afternoon sessions and have just logged on (I'm Mountain time).


This phone call from the stranger is certainly an unwelcome development. Before we assess the situation, can you share with me what you know about his relationship with the caller?


Is this someone who he's dating?


How does this person know about you?


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
That's the baffling part, neither of us has any idea who this person, could be or how they got my phone no, as it was a blocked number that came to my phone. He assured me he wasn't dating anyone, may have paid attention to some girls at dancing but has not been out with anyone. He did say he was catching up with his ex wife, but she doesn't know my number either. So he was as baffled as I was and could not understand why someone would do this. So we have no idea.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
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