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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been in a relationship with a woman now for the past

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I have been in a relationship with a woman now for the past five months. We ae in our early thirties. She is a lot of fun, beautiful, but there have been so many emotional difficulties. I am British, she is American so there is possibly some cultural disconnect here. But the main thing I always come up against is that I never feel she REALLY wants to be with me. This has affected my self-esteem greatly. Her family have asked her in the past to be more emotional. She boasted that she never cries early on in our relationship, which I thought was weird. I'm used to being with very loving people. But I always feel like she is about to break up with me, but keeps me hanging on in there. She says she loves me, but I just don't feel it.

We were totally besotted with each other, up until three months in, then she started pulling away. After a lot of internal stress, I confronted her and she said she thought we should see each other a few nights a week, instead of every day as she had lost herself in me. I accepted this, as I respect her totally and would never want to feel like I was crowding her. I also have genuine feelings for her and her happiness.

She is now in the States for a week. I am so happy she's having a great time, and the last time we spoke it was really lovely. But she wasn't in touch for two days, then didn't say "I've missed you" or asked me how I've been. It was the longest we've ever been out of contact, but she acted like nothing had happened. It just seems really horrible behaviour. I have a lot going on in my life, and this is consuming it. We have spoken about the future together, and I really want this to work out but I am losing faith...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it seems that a core issue here is the very different approaches-personalities you have. You said it has been only 5 months that you have been dating but already have had many emotional difficulties. it seems that what each of your expect and need from each other and this young relationship is very different, than when she feels OK with something you feel you need much more. Finding a person with physical beauty, being fun and having other attributes does not guaranty a healthy and fulfilling relationship could be developed, since that mostly depends on how compatible both personalities, life styles, same value and belief systems, and same core expectations and needs, life styles both partners happen to share. otherwise it would be unrealistic to expect things would work just fine. People could have fun together, enjoy wonderful sex, or be good at a couple of areas, but if there is not the same level of maturity, values, life styles, affection and passion, mutual commitment to build something together as a team, it would never work, no matter how hard one person tries. For a healthy and fulfilling relationship to develops, it needs to be mutual, and both work on it with the same approach, as a real team.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Her recent decision to limit your communication and sharing show her level of interests is not the same as what you want and expect, but tat's reality, and as you said, you need to respect that, and from there see how well this fulfills you and works now and in the long run, affording the possibility that she could continue to get more distant. No way to know but through experience, just be mindful about reality, in that way you would know how to better cope and what changes you may need to implement in order to take good care of yourself and only afford what you really want and feel is worthy for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes it does, thank you. But do you think this is a healthy relationship? Do you thin k

Customer:

Do you think I am being treated fairly?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. based on your story, I do not think this is a healthy relationship since it does not seem to meet your core needs and expectations, neither even to allow you to feel comfortable, understood and supported in the relationship, but with a lower self-esteem and disregarded by her, feeling there have been "horrible" behaviors during this brief period of time you have been dating, and that is reality and a very concerning one. Because of this I do not believe you feel the relationship has been truly reciprocal, really fair, but frustrating.

Customer:

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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