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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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I was dating a man and he ended the relationship stating stating

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I was dating a man and he ended the relationship stating stating he felt we were not a fit on a physical level. He calls me almost every night. He wants to cook me meals, offers to do my laundry and wants to help me with things. I went away for 5 days and he kept sending me emails and leaving messages . One stating he missed talking to me.
I can't handle this and told him - He called and emailed and then called my friends stating that my friendship was important to him . He keeps telling me he cares about me.
I cant seem to find the strength to walk away from this , I feel like a prisoner to my own feelings , I want a relationship and he wants a friendship.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

20pluscounts :

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. Welcome!

20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

20pluscounts :

This sounds like a very difficult predicament, so confusing, such mixed messages.

20pluscounts :

Do you hang on with the hope his feelings will change?

Customer:

Yes

20pluscounts :

Great!

Customer:

Yes I do hold on in the hope his feelings will change

20pluscounts :

Have you considered distancing yourself, and maybe improving the likelihood that if there is more than friendship, he will miss you, and seek you out?

Customer:

Yes that was why I went away for 5 days in the hopes he would get a taste of what it would be like . I went to a cabin with no cell signal .

20pluscounts :

Good for you- that takes strength-

20pluscounts :

How long have you been with this man?

20pluscounts :

It's pretty challenging to go from a romantic relationship to a friendship- too many complicated emotions.

Customer:

we broke up in December , we were together for 8 mos

Customer:

He was talking marriage in July of last year

20pluscounts :

This sounds very hurtful to you. Do you think he understands how much this hurts you?

Customer:

I am not sure , I wonder if he choses to ignore it because he gets his needs met . He has to know I have told him twice before and tonite I was balling on the phone . He changed the subject so I ended the phone conversation. A few minutes i get an email stating I still care about you - and he ends with Your Vic ( which is how he signed his emails when we were dating ) I feel like my chain is being yanked

Customer:

He will send me an email in the middle of the day stating some people are naturally amazing and its a video he took of me on his cell phone while I was working out on the gym .. He always wants to do my laundry and do things to take care of me

Customer:

its sooo confusing and I am allowing it because I do enjoy talking to him and I miss him

20pluscounts :

Wow, I can see where you would be confused- the marriage talk, to now this. The way he so actively seeks you out, seems like he really likes you, enjoys being with you- maybe those feelings can change!? He behaves as if it's more than just friends. It's hard not to get emotional. Maybe it's intimacy "issues".

Customer:

I know so little about intimacy issues ? I know when we were physical once he lost his erection ( I felt very unattractive )

Customer:

He also has a thing for feet - does this mean anything ?

20pluscounts :

I can understand why you hang on- right- sometimes feel led on. He may be avoiding intimacy in general because of the lost erection- that freaks a guy out causing more issues. Feet- hmmm

Customer:

He says that he has never been closer to anyone in his life, HIs mom , his grandmother or his best friend from school

Customer:

he cant believe the emotional connection we have however he does not feel an attraction to me physically like he did at the beginning

Customer:

it went from Hot to really cold and he said No women has ever ( not sure I believe that ) Its so hard on me right now

Customer:

I have been thru a 2 major illnesses , a divorce and this . I am on good terms with my ex husband . In my marriage the last year of it we were intimate maybe twice , I asked for counselling and he went and right after he put an offer on a house and bought a hair loss kit

Customer:

I am not overwieght or hideous - At least don't thinks so :0 )

20pluscounts :

You enjoy his company, but it sounds like it hurts you over and over again- the ongoing contact. Again, sounds like he does have a lot of feelings for you, and on some level is afraid of losing you. I really wonder about the impotent thing- maybe a bigger issue (or smaller) :) Did the intimacy change after the lost erection? May I ask how old he is?

Customer:

Yes it did , he then seemed irratated to have me around . He is 51 years old and here is the icing on the cake he is an alcoholic who started drinking again

20pluscounts :

You've been through a lot- takes a lot of energy in this relationship as it is now. Yes, the drinking can explain some things- he is at that age where there can be issues with impostence- however, there may be a physical explanation- be a good idea for him to see a dr.- not something you would suggest though.

Customer:

My self esteem cant take this anymore , what are some strategies or things you can suggest might help me get stronger so I am not on this emotional roller coaster , I cant change him , I can only change things so I can start to feel better agagin

Customer:

right now I feel sad , lonely and ugly , I have been rejected by a man in a way no woman ever should be . Being told its because of a physical thing WOW , wouldnt

Customer:

it have been kinder to just say I am not ready for a relationship and leave it at that ?

Customer:

why so honest or cruel ?

20pluscounts :

The more I'm hearing, the more it could be more of a physical insecurity of his- lot easier for him to say he's not physically attracted to you vs. "I kinda fail in the bedroom"- PRIDE. The biggest thing is for you to decide can you continue to endure this?? Cutting off contact with him for a time- telling him firmly you can not do it, it's too painful. Then finding support for you to work through this.

20pluscounts :

I don't know if it's honest

20pluscounts :

Do you wonder if there is another woman? If not, it again leads me to think it's the physical issue. Like you said- why so cruel though.

Customer:

I dont know about another woman , I do know that before I came in the picture he was in a 3 year relationship that ended and they were engaged to be married . She started contacting him when we were initially dating , who knows?

20pluscounts :

It is likely a whole lot more about him, and less likely about you physically. It is tough either way.

Customer:

Every time I cut off contact I end up giving in because I miss him - I am struggling with how to do this . I keep holding out hope I feel like a high school girl again

20pluscounts :

The million dollar question- can you endure this as it is, the waiting, wondering, no guarantees?

20pluscounts :

This does sound painful- have you done the pro and cons list?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I keep wondering when I will hit rock bottom and say enough is enough - I have done it before in past relationships and I can again its just I am tired ,and my feelings for this man run deep , I have never had someone who I have connected with physically and emotionally as I have with him. He is caring and kind and passionate

20pluscounts :

Do you have support? It's important for you to have an outlet because of the confusion this is causing you. Having another heart to heart with him- asking him what he envisions for the future of your relationship, vs. your vision. Walking away, even for a time, as hard as that is, might provide you with more information. Let him really miss you, realize you are not a for sure- waiting for him to change his feelings.

Customer:

I have girlfriends and I do have an EAP program at work.

Customer:

EAP is a employee assistance program ( counselling )

20pluscounts :

You enjoy being with him, for now, can you get to the point where you accept this as a friendship? The counseling may be really helpful right now. I hear you processing a lot of mixed emotions.

20pluscounts :

Allowing him to cook, clean etc.???

Customer:

My greatest wish is to have more than a friendship , if it cant be that it would be great if I could get to a point where I could accept this as a friendship . As it is now is too close to call a friendship , what friends call each other every night?

Customer:

The amount of time and level of intimacy in the friendship is something that belongs to a partner not him.

20pluscounts :

Another thought, is if yo stay friends and a fella comes along who you begin seeing.... I'd wonder how he would react to that. If you are just friends- did you have the talk about seeing other people? Before you consider cutting the contact, meet with him, and explain your plan. Yes, exactly, that's where there really could be a future- those relationships that start off with a strong friendship tend to have a better outcome.

Customer:

He would not like it , I have seen him get upset when men approach me and anxious

Customer:

he is jelous of some of the men who come up and inquire about me or even the ones who say they enjoyed going for a run with me ( we belong to a running group)

20pluscounts :

You make an important statement that makes this clear- that level of intimacy belongs to a partner. He can not have his "cake and eat it too" right! His behavior does speak otherwise- yes, more than the friendship- however- without the physical intimacy- that you need.

Customer:

Could he be just keeping me around and keeping his options open ?

20pluscounts :

I would imagine the running is a good outlet for you- Run Forest Run!! When things get tough "running" off some of these emotions can help. It's all guesses and speculation but yes he could be playing both sides of the fence.

Customer:

I suppose the true litmus test is if he doesnt care that I date - then he really has no interest in me.

Customer:

I am not ready to date yet. I want to get over this and re ground myself before I venture back into those waters . Who knows I might just find the water fine without a man in it.

20pluscounts :

Unless he's really honest with you- all you have to go on is what he tells you- and true or not, he tells you he's not attracted to you in "that way". That's what is so confusing- he shows interest in every other way. Would you consider asking him about insecurities in the bedroom?

Customer:

Yes I would consider asking him about that - I had and he said that this happened to him in the past with other women as well.

20pluscounts :

That's where my "assessment" is going- if the two of you went to counseling this may be one of the first topics- but he may run scared on that one- the pride thing.

Customer:

we would have to be in a relationship to go to counselling - he has no interest other than a frienship with me and he seems frightened that I will end that .

20pluscounts :

But again, he's a big boy and it's up to him to be honest and open- and I'm sure honesty and openness is what you want ultimately.

20pluscounts :

As tough as this is- you may want to separate from him- sort this out- both of you.

Customer:

its gonna hurt like hell , however its already hurting now. Its like ripping off and reapplying the bandaid over and over again

Customer:

I keep reminding myself that if he really cared about me he would not keep hurting me in this way and allowing me to suffer like this.

20pluscounts :

You being in a "friendship" with him does not make you very available for your prince when he rides in:) When your prince rides in, you do not want to be at the pond kissing frogs!! LOL

Customer:

No kidding

20pluscounts :

Yes, and you've told him how this hurts.

20pluscounts :

You do not deserve to suffer- that does not sound healthy for you- too stressful on you.

Customer:

Thanks - I think I know what to do , I need to seperate myself from the situation a little , but first have a talk with him and ask him what he sees for the future of our relationship and then state where I saw it and how this situation as it is now is causing me to suffer and I don't deserve to suffer , i have never done anything to him to deserve that . That a woman's friendship is the greatest part of a partner , the intimacy is the icing on the cake . If he only seeks what is between a woman's legs then go hire a hooker. :0 )

Customer:

without the friendship there is no relationship and there is no intimacy. He can find many beautiful woman who match what He likes to look at ..

20pluscounts :

Suffering does not fit well with "friendship", or a love relationship. Would you consider a couple eap sessions? I get a sense you are at the end of the rope on this one. Either way the support can help- if you stay or go- however, the going may empower you. Sadly, really, this is his loss- remember that too. No you do not deserve to suffer- for sure!!

Customer:

Yes I am going to go to EAP , I am going to need the support . I need to figure out what attracted me to this situation in the first place , how I ever let my self esteem get to the point that I am putting up with this.

20pluscounts :

There are no easy answers when it comes to "affairs of the heart" the processing of the mixed emotions is important- to work through this and take care of yourself.

Customer:

Thanks

20pluscounts :

Remember all your strengths- many.

20pluscounts :

You are welcome- thanks for your post.

Customer:

Thanks for the chat. Good night.

20pluscounts :

Let me know if I can help again.

20pluscounts :

Goodnight

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
Jean and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
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