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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My ex-girlfriend brokeup with me aprox 3 weeks ago over a betrayal

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My ex-girlfriend brokeup with me aprox 3 weeks ago over a betrayal of trust. My ex-bestfriend felt it necessary to tell her everything I had ever told him about her and I still have no idea why. Needless to say she left me saying all trust is broken and i should have known how important it was to her to keep what I knew secret, in my defense the lack of communication prompted me at times to feel hopeless in which case id confide in my best friend at the time. Since then its been allot of back and forth hot and cold, distance and me or her coming and going, we've walked away a few times only to find eachother back in our lives again.. its gotten to the point where she barely speaks to me anymore and i now have to initiate contact. I still love her very much and want to reconcile but she still seems aggrivated or upset but won't tell me directly. The distance hurts and theirs still allot of what if's and unanswered questions. Since the breakup she's been over a few times.. which always leads to the same thing no matter what I do.. she will get comfortable , kiss and cuddle me then we end up in bed then she leaves... its been a while and like ive said things have died down. I want her back but I have no idea what to do or if she even wants me back :( all help is appreciated.. thankyou.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 11 months ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

Your ex-best friend should have never told her anything and that was completely wrong for someone to interfere in your life.

Deardebra :

You should have been able to trust your friend in not telling your girlfriend. When you confide in someone you should be able to trust them.

Customer:

It sounds like .. she was sneakily looking for answers from him and played around with some things she knew that i had told her.. either way both of them are at fault shes never owned up to that part tho.. too hurt i guess.

Customer:

Our relationship had allot of ups and downs and when things got hard she would try to create reasons to leave but I always picked up the pieces and made it work until she hoped back on.. her lack of experience is what i credit this to.

Deardebra :

She could have got your friend to tell her things by acting like she knew, but your friend still should have not said anything.

Deardebra :

It sounds like she is scared when it comes to the relationship and when I say scared she is afraid to get hurt.

Deardebra :

She does not want you to leave so she makes excuses to leave so she does not get hurt.

Deardebra :

If you chase her then she knows that you still want to be with her and that the relationship is still comfortable and safe.

Customer:

Even after the breakup , she just couldn't stay away.. always said things like "i dont know why but I keep wanting to talk to you" or "if I come over I know i'll just want to cuddle and kiss you" and things of that nature.

Deardebra :

So she has no control over her feelings for you.

Deardebra :

This means she loves and cares for you.

Customer:

unfortunately it seems now at this point.. she seems pretty distant.. within the past 4 days it went from random phonecalls and texting , her breaking down on the phone over apparently her parents treating her poorly and saying she wants out of there.. to practically no communication.

Customer:

on her twitter.. her posts suggest shes mad one minute, happy another and frustrated or annoyed the next.. I cant tell if its about me but have no reason to believe it isnt.

Customer:

when i talk with her she keeps it brief, dosen't ask anything or get personal, last time she did that was aprox 4 days ago.. she seemed down I asked her how she was.. she said "ive been better" i asked her what was up , her reply was "I cant mention it" i respected it and dropped and changed the conversation.

Deardebra :

I think she is only distant because she is having problems and she is trying to solve them. But she needs you in her life because you are the person she goes to when she needs to talk. I want you to comfort her because she just needs someone to talk with to vent or just to get things off her mind so she will feel better. She also seems to be looking for a solution to get out of her house maybe she is looking for you to offer a place for her to stay.

Customer:

I understand and my only qualm is the total lack of communication now, i know she's trying to keep really busy and has her second year of college coming up but the feeling im annoying her and the cold parts are confusing me.. and in order for me to be there for her she has to open up which she seems to have allot of trouble with. Ive always wanted to get my own place with her but our relationship was never at the point where I could consider it a good move. When I had moved from my last place of residence about 2 months ago.. she was so into finding a place with me and made allot of effort to help until I ended up renting the bottom of my parents house out.

Customer:

She's young too and often when things get bad says she wants to go out explore and meet new people but then says she never feels anyone will love her like I do and she comes back.

Deardebra :

That is because she realizes there is nothing out there for her but you so she quickly comes back. I think things at her house are the problem and I would discuss her coming to live with you or at least offer.

Deardebra :

I think she is waiting for you to ask.

Customer:

I've considered it many times, i just don't know how to bring all that to reality when she seems to want her space right now.. she's elluded to finding someone else on her twitter ..but since then i deleted my account and she seemed mad about.. ive talked with so many people, a councelor over the phone friends familly and nothing makes sense about it all, i sit here and think its me and I have a problem letting go.

Deardebra :

I do not in any way think it is you. I feel like she is having so many problems at home it interferes with your relationship.

Customer:

the whole "i'm really annoyed with you to no end, please stop" random comment on her twitter really threw me off.

Deardebra :

Her twitter could be about her problems at the house.

Customer:

Well to be honest.. theirs an age gap and our relationship has been secret to some extent, we brokeup once before and came back after reconciling and deciding to tell her Mother who was NOT supportive. Needless to say... one night i was over there late helping them mop up and clean their flooded basement, first time I ever met them, they seemed to be appreciative, the dad likes me.

Customer:

she's 18 , 19 in november.. im 33.. we mesh well because I have limited experience in relationships, mostly dwelled in my basement my whole life.. we clicked and bonded and I do find her mature for her age, i look younger and no one thinks were that diff in age unless we tell them.

Customer:

but shes always had that problem of accepting it and her parents obviously have huge sway over her right now.

Deardebra :

I think the problem is with her right now is she feel like trust has been broken.

Deardebra :

The reason is because she found out things your ex best friend said and she is confused on what to do.

Deardebra :

You have to rebuild trust with her and explain that the things that were said by your friend were things that was the past.

Deardebra :

That you want to move on from everything that has happened.

Deardebra :

and start again together.

Customer:

I would absolutely love to do that .. but I feel like she is holding back allot , has no intentions of saying much... not sure how to get her to open up without making her mad , feel like giving her space is the right idea but I dont want her losing interest in me...torn. I respect her soo much i just want her happy, i'd love to be with her but she's giving me no openings.. I want to rebuild trust so badly but I cant when she wont talk.. do you think it will take time or is it a lost cause? i just hang on because I believe all we shared together and the battles we fought through mattered and our bond and love. 2 weeks after the breakup I let her be only to get a txxt saying.."i dont know how to say this but the past two weeks have been an eye opener, i thought we could get past anything but I guess I was wrong, i been worried sick about you and have been looking for an answer anywhere and havent seen anything, I hope we can be friends again some day"

Deardebra :

What is happening right now is use is upset of everything that has happened and she has put up these walls.

Deardebra :

The only way to get those walls to come down is to rebuild trust, be there for her though this tough time she is having. Creating distance between each other will make her think you no longer want to be with her and you are giving up.

Customer:

I just feel like if I tell her I miss her or indicate any kind of emotion she will push away further.

Deardebra :

You want to show her that you are there, she can trust you and she needs to understand you will be there for her.

Deardebra :

I do not feel she will.

Customer:

When she gets angry.. she gets mean, is the only reason.. feel like shes been trying to move on and if I do that she will get frustrated again

Deardebra :

That is not moving on that is her expressing her emotions out of frustration.

Deardebra :

When you love someone you tend to take things out on the person close too you.

Customer:

Another thing i forgot to mention is we work together and she feels the entire store knows about it.. as if they would NEVER pickup on our relationship on their own, then again im a proud man and was proud of us and told a few people.

Deardebra :

The reason for this is because you just feel like they will understand and forgive you.

Customer:

Oh believe me she took out quite a bit on me, to the point where im here with you now trying to figure this out because ive run out of answers...she still seems to snap once in a while too.. scorpio thing I suppose.

Deardebra :

Scorpio that is a very strong sign.

Deardebra :

The way you want to handle her personality is she will feel like she is always right even if you know she is wrong.

Customer:

I guess I wouldnt mind that and could cope with it if shed give me a chance, my whole things is fearing i'll lose her altogether if I try to pursue her again.

Deardebra :

I feel she loves you but is angry about everything.

Deardebra :

She needs to talk about it ask questions so she can resolve it and forgive.

Deardebra :

Right now she is just blocking those feelings and not opening up to tell you how she really feels.

Customer:

Thats just it , im open for any questions she has.. I wish shed ask me a million of them but shes never been that way, ever.

Deardebra :

You need to ask the questions for her.

Deardebra :

I think you should not wait and always explain things too her in detail so she does not have to ask questions but her questions will get answered.

Deardebra :

When someone breaks trust they want to know why.

Deardebra :

They do not understand why the person did not trust them enough to tell them so they feel excluded from the person they loves life.

Customer:

she did ask me why and I told her because I have a hard time coping when she shuts down communication and I talk with friends.. her reply was she understands I talk with friends but could not get why I spoke about some very personal things to her with my best friend.

Deardebra :

But she needs to understand that is who you go to when you need to talk to get advice.

Deardebra :

People often go to their friends for advice.

Customer:

Well used to, and i know she does not have many friends or people she can confide in , she said so herself and she also said shed never do what I did to her to me.

Deardebra :

There was things she felt should have been kept private. So she now feels embarrassed because your friend knew things. So she is afraid that you will do it again, so she is not opening up no more.

Deardebra :

She does not have many people to talk to but you an now she feels like trust has been broken so she is very confused about what to do. She does not know whether to trust you or not.

Deardebra :

But she needs to realize that she can and you will never do that again too her.

Customer:

I believe she has tested me since, once with an explicit conversation she told me not to repeat, which i havent and the other by crying to me on the phone like ive never heard her do before and saying she only talks to me about it.

Deardebra :

Ok, so she is opening up and trying to get back trust that is good.

Customer:

its just been a while since anything else has happened and shes still not talking very much or at all, like today for example, not a word.

Deardebra :

But you need to contact her just for support. Let her know you are there for her.

Customer:

like she's got me running in circles, i deleted my twitter account in the first place because she was posting some things about some guy she found hot and nice that she was apparently flirting with, when I deleted my account she got mad, so im assuming she was trying to make me jealous to get a reaction. Shes trying everything to get my attention it seems, well was.

Deardebra :

That sounds like she was trying to get you jealous and when you canceled your account then you were not catering to her trying to get you jealous. You put a stop to it by just canceling your twitter.

Deardebra :

She would have never want you to do that too her. Some times people so not realize how the changes things in relationships. I feel in relationships you never do anything you would not done too you.

Customer:

so deleting the account was a bad idea?

Deardebra :

no, you show her that you were not going to be a part of her trying to make you jealous.

Customer:

its been almost a week where ive kept it deleted.

Deardebra :

If twitter is something you like doing and you feel that it is something you want to uncancel then I think you should go back on.

Deardebra :

You want to go back on only if you want too.

Deardebra :

It bothered her because she probably always check it.

Customer:

it was hurting me to see her post some things so I removed it to amplify my coping mechanisms, thing is i still check it from time to time so I defeat myself..but the point still remains I removed it.. I wanted that made clear.

Deardebra :

Then you did what was best.

Customer:

I recall when I first voiced the fact i was hurt.. her reaction was of dismay .. she didnt see how I could possibly be hurt, and was frustrated times after that.

Deardebra :

The way to handle that is to ask her how she would feel if you did something like that, some times people do not think about how someone else feel until they understand how someone else would feel in that situation.

Customer:

I just find it hard for her not to see how hurt I am, missing work.. lost alot of weight.. balling my eyes out infront of her etc, it was bizzare shortly after we brokeup she had brought me along with her to the college and in the car ride there.. I was just filled with grief and i started crying and she held my hand. I felt then that she understood but I still feel like she does not completely.. its like shes trying to distance herself from the reality of the situation.

Deardebra :

I think she does know how you feel but she does not want to admit that she hurt you in any way because I think it bothers her.

Customer:

I still have a facebook account with her friended on it, I almost feel like one of my only chances is to put up a song and hope she will listen to it and come around. My male friends say if I persue her im showing her weakness and im no challenge.. I like to believe true love can conquer.. i just dont know.

Deardebra :

Putting up songs is great idea and I am sure she looks at it. That is not true about persuing her.

Deardebra :

That does not show weakness it shows her that you want to be with her and you are not giving up on this relationship.

Customer:

ive never wanted something to work so much in my life and I know weve struggled, 8 months.. 2 breakups but I still love her and we made it through that and I just wish we could make it through this, the irony is she came to me 3 months in telling me she had repressed feelings for some guy i hated, possibly another attempt to make me jealous or get my attention the way she wanted and i grilled her for it and made her feel bad but I ultimately forgave her and moved on never bringing it up again and she does this but wont forgive me.

Deardebra :

You have overcome things and I feel the person she might have had feelings for she knew that she would be making a big mistake, so she just ignored her feelings. But for you that was upsetting and she was honest about how she felt. It was good you both move on from that and that you got past it. You have broke up for two months and you have managed to get back together, so I feel that you should contact her to just check in to see how she is doing.

Deardebra :

You want her to know you are there.

Customer:

I contacted her last night to ask her how her day was , how she was and how her baseball went, I got replies albeit short, I went to bed early and I know its small but she did say "goodnight you", to me using you in this fashion shows compassion or more i dont know but she has not messaged me once today, i know shes at a baseball game right now tho.

Deardebra :

I would contact her later and ask her how baseball was and how was her day so she knows you are there for her.

Deardebra :

You want her to get use to you contacting her about her day.

Deardebra :

That way you are still a part of each others lives. This will make her realize that you both should have a second chance.

Customer:

i really hope that works, im affraid she will get annoyed .. my back and forth probably didnt help all of this either... ive tried walking away on three seperate occasions until the last time where I told her I just couldnt cope with having her out of my life.

Deardebra :

You want to build trust and she needs to know you are there for her no matter what you both go through. She needs someone she can rely on and she wants to know she can trust you.

Deardebra :

She wants to know that when she is having a bad day you will be there for her.

Customer:

You dont feel that this will just create a crutch for her and she will only consider me a friend to come to in dire times and nothing else?

Deardebra :

No because she does not see you as a friend she has strong feelings for you.

Deardebra :

This will create a stronger bond between you both.

Customer:

its all I want, I know shes still got alot to learn, am I impeding her growth at her age by trying to be with her ? with the whole wanting to explore thing etc?

Deardebra :

I think she knows her feelings but is worried to get hurt so she often backs away.

Deardebra :

You just need to be there for her so she knows that she has someone she loves is there through the bad and good.

Customer:

I guess creating that circumstance or environment is all that is left to do then, which seems daunting and bleak... i can put the song out there and text her tonight and just pray that it will work. Her last post of relevance was a song lyric "my heart beats for you, praying you are the one". Either I can assume thats another man or it was for me... the guessing is what kills.

Deardebra :

That sounds like that quote is too you and since you put up songs then I assume she is responding too you. She just is not good with expressing her emotions. That is good that you text and put up a song. Just be there and she will see.

Customer:

Well that post was made with the assumption I have no twitter and no way of checking her twitter wall since its gone.

Deardebra :

I think she is just confused right now and needs to see you will be there for her

Customer:

Would explain the annoyance and the tone and the way she texts sometimes... cant believe I went back and forth so much.. feel so new to this and im 33.

Deardebra :

It's ok relationships are about finding out what each other is lie and how they react too things. If you both communicate and listen too each other you will continue to create a bond.

Customer:

Thats just it i feel like she does not want to listen to me anymore, shes off trying to forget about all of this and I totally agree.. I would love to emerge from all of this way stronger than before.

Deardebra :

Then you need to listen too her so that you can understand where the relationship is going.

Deardebra :

If you begin to understand each other then you will come out stronger.

Customer:

Ive made it clear to her throughout our relationship that communication is key, the patterns I was finding i locked in on and in the end I did show her Ive changed, usaully shed get quiet not talk and id be asking her why whats wrong etc and shed get upset or frustrated and leave, then wed fight.. last time it happend I kept quiet, I consoled her rubbed her back, kissed her and tried to make her feel calm.. I thoughti t would show her ive changed.

Deardebra :

That was she needs to see change.

Customer:

Last time she was over after the whole parents balling convo, i told her id respect her boundaries and keep to myself and we could just have a light fun time, it was going that way till she removed the boundaries and came over to me , wrapped herself around me then cuddled and kissed me.. i reciprocated but still didnt know what to do.. we layed in bed together and she seemed comfortable resting on my chest and said she didnt want to go and felt like she could fall asleep. It hasnt happend since tho :(

Deardebra :

She is going through a lot right now and she needs someone she can trust to talk with and just be there.

Deardebra :

I would contact her everyday to check in.

Customer:

I wont come off as a creep or stalker ?

Customer:

its the last thing I want

Deardebra :

No she will just know that you are there for her checking in about her day. It will show stat you support her and she will be able to share her life with you. It will help her open up to communicate about her day. Then you should also talk about your day. This will help her connection with you. It is important to keep communication open and let her know she can come too you when she needs someone to talk with. She cares about you and you just need to be there so she knows you are there for her. No matter what happens in her life she will know that you have been there and that is when the connection will grow because she will be able to trust you again.

Customer:

I love the sound of that and I just hope she can see past the mistakes ive made and understand I do truly love her.. I have no one I can trust or mutual friends between us who can convey this message, shes been primarily dealing with this alone or with ppl who dont get the entire picture.. its hard to cope with.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Expert:  Dear Debra replied 11 months ago.
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