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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hi Dr.L, I read your posting and everything you say is the

Resolved Question:

Hi Dr.L,
I read your posting and everything you say is the exact analysis of what happened, but is it what he interpreted?

ANd why hasn't he called or appeared again?
He didn't seem to want to let me go, part of his personality is to be very insistent... which scared me a lot at the time I broke up with him but now that he is not acting as he is supposed to I wonder if I misjudged him.

I am online if you have time to chat.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L : Hi,
Dr. L : I don't think he has any understanding of what happened that day. He did nothing but blame and shame you and took no time to look at his own behavior.
Dr. L : True, he may not have wanted to let you go...but maybe he also may not have wanted to fight anymore to keep you in his life.
Dr. L : The possibility is that with the work situation, wife, and child...he may have decided he could no longer risk an affair.
Dr. L : What do you mean by saying that maybe you misjudged him?
Customer:

hi

Customer:

I mean that maybe he was not as sick as I thought since he let me go

Customer:

he didn't chase me as insistently as before

Customer:

you said something interesting

Customer:

that maybe he didn't want to keep fighting to keep me in his life

Customer:

I had tried to break the relationship several times and he said that he was not going to tolerate my breakups anymore

Customer:

that if I was to ask him to leave, that I had to be sure that I wanted a separation because it could potentially be permanent

Customer:

is that what you meant?

Customer:

or did you mean it was difficult for him to keep secrets once he had no job

Customer:

from your response, I am getting that he never considered me more than an affair

Customer:

I think he wanted to be sure he could count on me being there when he left his wife

Customer:

and I felt he was trying to tell me that he was doubting that I was not going to leave him hanging

Customer:

I mean, he was not sure I was going to be there

Customer:

the truth is that I never understood his marital situation

Customer:

it seemed finished, but then there were weird things

Dr. L : HI...give me a minute to review what you wrote...
Dr. L : Yes...I can see where you would think that his walking away was a sign that he was a more caring and loving person. And surely that could be true.
Dr. L : But I also think that the possibility was that he decided you could not be counted on and that it would be too risky to leave his wife if he could not guarantee you would take him in. Maybe he really was telling you the truth when he said that a separation could potentially be permanent. I still see that as a threat,rather than a caring interaction.
Dr. L : It likely was difficult for him to see you once he lost his job as he lost a way to explain his absences from home and he also lost the ease with which he could see you.
Dr. L : I don't think he told you the 100% truth about his marriage. They could have been separated, in the middle of a divorce, or she may even have known about his affairs and tolerated them.
Dr. L : I think he clearly knew he was having an affair with you, rather than a dating relationship. What that meant in his eyes...I don't know. But you were the "other" woman in his life...no question about that.
Customer: Hi
Customer: yes, i think he decided i was not reliable... Which hurts in a way... And he resented previous break ups we had because he was the one that had to do the chasing.
Customer: do you think he will ever look for me again?
Customer: I know you may not know for sure, but i am interested in your opinion... Do you think this guy will look for me again?
Dr. L :

I think that depends on what is going on at home and at work. If he gets a job, he will be busy and might not have the time to look for you. He might also find another woman to chase. If he and his wife are doing better together and he doesn't get bored by her or by being with one woman, then he probably won't come looking for you. So..it's a matter of how his life is. I don't think you should necessarily be looking over your shoulder for him. At this point, he is gone and has been gone for quite some time.

Customer: Basically his reason won't have anything to do with love, correct?
Customer: What I mean is that if he comes looking for me it won't be because he loves me or I am important to him?
Customer: If he comes looking for me, it would be a reflection of him being bored?
Customer: i am mot exactly looking over my shoulder but I thought I meant a little more for him.
Dr. L :

I do think he had "feelings" for you and that he loved you in the way that he understands that emotion. I do think you were important to him...you provided him affection, sexual satisfaction, companionship, excitement, fun...and a host of other things. But there was a quality of dishonesty to all of this because he was not free to be in a true, committed and lasting relationship with you because of his marital status.

Dr. L :

I do think one of the reasons he could come looking for you is that he does not find in his wife the same things he received from you. He knew you cared about him...even loved him...and that may not be what he gets from his wife...or that he offers her.

Dr. L :

You must remember that you were not the first affair he had..and so likely you would not be the last.

Customer: I know what you mean but it also makes me feel better that you think I was not completely delussional when i felt i was important for him. Although it is strange for me to let go of someone you really love. I also understand that since i don't know the truth of the life he is leading, how can i find logic in anything he does? I was not ready to let him come and live with me, so in that respect he was right. I miss some things about him but not everything. Actually last night I tormented myself thinking that he could have had another affair while he chased me and I stood firm saying no.
Customer: i know he is not the right guy, but i wonder if i will ever feel the same way with someone else.
Customer: On the other hand i don't want to become the new wife with a cheating husband.
Customer: I never wanted this!!!
Customer: any of it!!!
Customer: and it hurts to realize I still miss him.
Customer: for a while i was so happy to have ended the relationship (even if he thought it was his decision) that for months I didn't think of him
Customer: why do I care now? I guess i was expecting another chapter.
Dr. L : Please don't torment yourself...he is not worth that kind of pain on your part. He was not the right man for you! And you said it best yourself...you would not want to be a new wife with a cheating husband!!! You must remind yourself over and over that you are a wonderful woman, that you are caring, loving, respectful, intelligent, hard working, and above all have ethics and morals. Please do not allow loneliness or self doubt to change what is true about you.
Dr. L : The "why do I care" is likely because you are lonely and are not in a relationship with another man. Meanwhile, you know he likely has another woman - whether that be his wife or another affair. To think that you have all these wonderful qualities and are not in a love relationship while he is disrespectful, has a huge ego, and so forth, but yet has a woman can be hard to swallow. But the truth is that love is blind. And just because he likely has a woman doesn't mean that it is a healthy, loving, and great relationship.Please don't measure his life against yours. That's not a fair contest!
Dr. L : I also think that alot of your relationship with him was about "chasing"...he chased you to the point of harrassing you! And to some small degree...being "chased" can seem romantic, exciting,and fun. So...because of the long history of chasing...you may have anticipated it would happen again. So I would suggest that you may - in the back of your mind - have thought this pattern (or habit) would continue.
Dr. L : What do you think?
Customer: Give me a sec
Dr. L : Yes. No problem.
Customer: hi
Customer: maybe
Customer: but i feel it was more about expecting him to be frontal
Customer: to be honest and tell me the truth
Customer: there were no more facilitating circumstances
Customer: he couldn't cover his chase with "I happened to be in the same hallway"
Dr. L : I don't think he has the capacity to tell the truth. I'm not saying he is a liar, but he isn't a totally honest man. Look at his lifestyle? Is having an affair a truthful thing in a marriage?
Customer: if he wanted me, he needed to be a man
Dr. L : Exactly.
Dr. L : And he isn't a man...he is all ego...
Customer: i don't know if he has a woman or is back with his wife
Customer: so it's not that i am comparing myself to him
Customer: i just think that if i had been truly special to him, he is either making a point, playing a game or he simply doesn't care about me and never did
Dr. L : what I meant is that you look at him and say...he has someone in my life...why don't I
Customer: maybe he has someone
Customer: but she is not me
Dr. L : No...I don't think it's that simple. You are over thinking it...
Customer: What do you mean?
Dr. L : He did see you as important.
Customer: from my point of view you can distract yourself with someone else but that woman is not me
Dr. L : I think he did see you as very important...
Dr. L : I agree...he can be with someone else...but that woman isn't you..
Dr. L : And he is the loser for not having you in his life!
Customer: he did tell me he knew he would never again find someone like me
Customer: and i believed he felt that way
Customer: i loved him too
Customer: and even i didn't trust him, and even though i honestly believe there a better men than him out there, i worry that i will not love someone else like i loved him
Customer: it's been 4 months now
Customer: his way of understanding time is also weird
Customer: but shouldn't he worry the same way I do?
Dr. L : Well...it would be nice if he worried like you do...but honestly...he is not that sophisticated...
Customer: What does that mean?
Dr. L : I mean that you are a smart professional...he's not.
Dr. L : I mean that you understand your emotions..he doesn't.
Customer: I don't know what to say
Dr. L : I mean you have wisdom and experience. He doesn't
Customer: On relationships he has more experience than me
Dr. L : I'm not sure I agree...
Dr. L : He has experience in relationships ...but only a certain kind of relationships...
Customer: I will look for you a bit later because I have a meeting
Dr. L : okay.
Customer: take care
Dr. L : You as well...
Customer: Hi
Dr. L : Hello,
Dr. L : I am here now and will be for several hours.
Customer:

hi

Customer:

I have been thinking and I have decided to let go

Customer:

I don't know why after 4 months I am thinking of this guy again

Customer:

I thought it was because he didn't act like I expected but I think it's just because I am lonely

Customer:

and in this moments is exactly when I am vulnerable to compromise and accept less than what I really want

Customer:

although, it was important for me to know that you think he had feelings for me, even if he has everything a little twisted

Customer:

by that I mean, even if he doesn't understand emotions the same way I do

Customer:

I never felt completely safe with him and I never completely trusted him

Customer:

like you said once, he was the last person I was involved with, and maybe that is why I still wonder about him

Customer:

some things were also unresolved... like our break up

Customer:

i felt a little guilty because he accused me of being inconsiderate with him when I said that if it was so difficult for him than he shouldn't help me change my car

Dr. L :

Hi.

Dr. L :

Give me a minute to read your posting...

Customer:

hi! Sure

Dr. L :

Loneliness leads us to do things that we would otherwise say NO to or have the strength to reject.

Dr. L :

Often when we feel lonely we put ourselves down and don't have the same level of confidence we would otherwise have.

Dr. L :

I think it is important for you to realize what happens when you are lonely...how vulnerable you feel and how down on yourself you become.

Dr. L :

It would be a good idea to find a way to talk yourself out of these feelings when you are gripped with loneliness. Maybe you could make a "scrap book" filled with pictures and notes and words of wisdom you like and when you are feeling lonely look at this book. It could be filled with pictures of you and your son, of vacations, of people you love, and notes or cards others have sent you.

Customer:

well, it is hard to not feel lonely when in fact you are lonely. Still, I never intended to actively look for him. I was just wondering why he didn't look for me since it is hard to find someone you really like

Customer:

that is a good idea

Dr. L :

Yes...it is hard to find a man you ca really like and who fits other important factors like is honest, caring, loving, and so forth. But...these men are out there!

Dr. L :

And yes...the reality of feeling lonely...is that you are alone.

Dr. L :

And we all need to find ways to handle those times in life when we are completely alone...

Customer:

I meant that I don't understand why he is not looking for me if he was supposedly in love

Customer:

and i have been alone for so long, that it is hard to imagine how long will it take for me

Customer:

so it goes both ways

Dr. L :

You raise a very good point...if he truly was in love with you why would he stop chasing you?

Dr. L :

But as I have said in the past...you really don't know what is going on in his life anymore. For all you know, he may have had to leave town to find work.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

and the point is that is all for the better

Customer:

I realize that

Customer:

so I decided to try to stop thinking about it

Customer:

one last thought: sometimes love makes people change for the better and I was hoping he would

Customer:

the times he chased me he had the "excuse" that he was working, he could think, and make me think, that he didn't actually wake up thinking about me and wondering how to get me back

Dr. L :

You are absolutely right...sometimes love does change you...and your hope that he would change came from your own heart. I'm sorry that he did not take advantage of all that you offered him. Still...there likely were things about you that did soften him...you might just never know the full impact.

Customer:

this time he would have had to fully recognize that he was coming to look for me. he would have to let his ego out the door and man-up and surrender to his feelings, and act according to his words

Dr. L :

I don't think he was telling the truth about that...I believe he actually did spend considerable time trying to arrange his actions and life so that he could see you.

Dr. L :

Yes..and maybe that is part of the problem here...he does not have the strength of character to be a man, to match his words to his actions, and to drop his ego...

Customer:

he tried to cover up the chase because he considered he was humiliating himself

Customer:

he thinks that would have not been manly

Dr. L :

Yes...very good point...he could not admit that he was chasing you because he wanted to be with you...

Customer:

In order to be with me, this time he would have had to leave his ego, and START being truthful

Dr. L :

Agreed. But I'm sorry to say that I don't think he can or would do this.

Customer:

also he was not going to be able to cover the relationship or his real domestic life anymore

Customer:

yes

Customer:

he has proven that he won't change

Dr. L :

Sadly...yes.

Customer:

so no matter if he comes back, he will still lie and his ego would be first

Customer:

so what exactly am I hoping for? That is why I need to stop thinking about this

Dr. L :

Yes...you need to stop thinking about this and decide once and for all that it is over ... that this is not the person you want in your life.

Dr. L :

But...it's not as easy as that...it takes time to process the feelings and that is what you have been doing...

Customer:

thank you for helping me again

Customer:

I may come back to talk a little more, but rest assured that I know he is not the one

Customer:

I have always known that

Customer:

bye for now

Customer:

take care

Dr. L :

You take care to!

Dr. L :

Good night.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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