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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have some questions and confusions I need answered. If you

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I have some questions and confusions I need answered. If you can help. I am 26 years old from India. Been married for 2 years 3 months. My husband is 30. We met through a mutual family friend and had an arranged marriage after talking to each other for 3 or 4 months and being engaged for 6 months. I came here 2 years ago and we had been living happily with no issues until I found recently that he has been cheating on me. I dont know where to begin. But last december, I found some email account details when he left his computer open which looked fishy. I got suspicious and snooped around a bit. The amount of stuff I found shook me. 6 years before our marriage, he was in a longterm relationship which did not work out. Apparently he took it bad and couldnt get over the break up very well for over a year. He came to US to do his Masters. He desparately wanted to get laid but couldnt. He doesnt come off as a charmer in first meetings.In desparation, he started posting ads on craigslist for sex and that he will give massages to women, befriending people on the internet, going to many adult websites, swinger clubs but nothing worked.So he got addicted to porn, started going to asian massage parlors to pay for happy endings and sex. He says he went for sex only few times and others were for other services. I learnt now that when we were engaged, he has put up posts for nsa fun but nobody responded. We were very happily married(like all marriages ofcourse). But we have normal healthy relationship.We were like best friends.We couldnt keep our hands off eachother , always texting and talking on phone hours together when he was at work even though we lived together. We both love to travel.We used to visit different places every holiday and plan hikes/activities every weekend. Our friends and family always called us the fun couple and said that we are made for eachother. Since I came on a dependant visa and couldnt work, we applied for school and he encouraged me to do my Masters which I am finishing this month.He has been supportive through out.He worked hard and paid for my entire tuition without any loans.He has always put my happiness above his and been there for me always. But last year, he moved to a different state on a new job. Since I was in school, I could not move with him. On one of the visits, I found his accounts and all his addictions and secrets. He is passionate about photography and used to go to naked fine arts photography and nature photography.Since I thought I understood his interests, I encouraged no matter what without suspecting any bad interests or being jealous. But then I found out that he went to these shoots on 2 occasions behind my back, arranging shoots alone with models thinking I might say no for spending money on those shoots.To top it off, I found worse things than just lying.I found that he had put spy cameras in our bath for voyeuristic pleasures, to watch me when I am not aware.And then I got to know his porn addictions. I was so devastated.I told him I wanted to divorce him. But he begged and pleaded that he will change and never lie and will work towards his porn addictions.After lot of fights, I agreed to give our marriage a try and told him that was his last chance ever and forced him into talking to a therapist. But before it helped, he quit in few months saying he is doing fine and he has porn watching under control and sessions are not required.I said fine. I had trust issues ever since but I tried hard to become less insecure. I thought things were going fine until 3 days ago. I got suspicious for some reason and checked his web history and other accounts. I saw that on a recent business visit to california, he had searched for massage parlors. When I confronted him, he lied saying he went just for back massage.I wasnt going to buy it because why look up such places for a normal massage. Ten minutes later came hand job and after much crying and pestering, he confessed that he actually had sex. And just before our first anniversary when he was in korea on work, he had got a bj and had visited red light area there out of curiosity but did not have sex. I am so shattered. Even after giving a chance, he broke my trust. He says his porn addiction is difficult to control.He has become so overtly addicted and how he realizes his mistakes and realizes he has a sickness which he wasnt ready to agree until now. And the 2 places he cheated physically, he did it because he was in a new place and just couldnt control the urge to see how things are there or some sort of excitement he doesnt understand.And that at that minute, nothing matters and he just gives in. I dont understand psychology or any of these addictions. I just hate the bastard for ruining my life.I gave everything for this relationship. He was the greatest husband minus these issues. I am so helpless. He is going to enroll into longterm therapy and says he will get rid of his addictions.cannot live without me yada yada. Is he saying the truth when he says he doesnt realize he has a sickness or what leads him to do it? He says he is completely happy with me physically.Then why this sick behaviour. Even after knowing that he will lose me if he ever did anything, Why go to worse extent and actually have sex with a whore? What is going on in an addicts mind? How many such cases are there? Are these people ever treated? He says he has no life without me. But I dont think I care anymore.Or rather I shouldnt. How to just stop loving and caring for someone all of a sudden,someone who means so much to you?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When we talk about addictions, we talk about denial, avoidance, justification, manipulation, lack of accountability, secrecy and many more core issues that are part of the addiction and get engrained in the individual's personality with time. He has been very skilful hiding it for long but then you found out and he denied it, then when pushed he agreed to get counseling but left it too stating he was fine, and now you know how the vicious circle f deception and manipulation was always there, since he did not truly acknowledge his addictions and mental health problems, and what he tried happened because you pushed him to do it, and he made you believe he was being serious and truly working on himself. Now you know he has been actively deepening the addictions and to face such painful reality for a person in your shoes is just overwhelming.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The first thing I suggest you to do is to get help from your support system, namely your caring and healthy family members and close friends, since this is not something most people could cope with by themselves, support from loved ones is very important, plus individual counseling, since through professional support you would be able to better vent and process this pain, go through this grieving process with necessary help, since what you though you had has not really existed, and facing that and its consequences is tough. I do believe your husband could truly love you, but at the same time his personal issues, addictions and other mental health disorders related to them deeply undermine the love he offers to you, to the point of leading to this painful and devastating reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Rehabilitation is possible but it is tough and not many people do make it work, since it is a process that must start and continue for the rest of the person's life, otherwise it would not work. He would need to really acknowledge the severity of his situation, take full responsibility for his actions and rehabilitation process, committing to individual, marriage and group psychotherapy, then continuing with individual psychotherapy, marriage counseling as needed and regular participation of support groups; otherwise it would be unrealistic to believe he would be just fine. This is not about intention only but about consistent hard work with necessary support, and he is the only one with the power and responsibility to get the support he needs and work on his rehabilitation, nobody else can do this work for him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
1:08 PM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
1:10 PM
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality you have been facing.
1:24 PM
When we talk about addictions, we talk about denial, avoidance, justification, manipulation, lack of accountability, secrecy and many more core issues that are part of the addiction and get engrained in the individual's personality with time. He has been very skillful hiding it for long but then you found out and he denied it, then when pushed he agreed to get counseling but left it too stating he was fine, and now you know how the vicious circle f deception and manipulation was always there, since he did not truly acknowledge his addictions and mental health problems, and what he tried happened because you pushed him to do it, and he made you believe he was being serious and truly working on himself. Now you know he has been actively deepening the addictions and to face such painful reality for a person in your shoes is just overwhelming.
1:28 PM
The first thing I suggest you to do is to get help from your support system, namely your caring and healthy family members and close friends, since this is not something most people could cope with by themselves, support from loved ones is very important, plus individual counseling, since through professional support you would be able to better vent and process this pain, go through this grieving process with necessary help, since what you though you had has not really existed, and facing that and its consequences is tough. I do believe your husband could truly love you, but at the same time his personal issues, addictions and other mental health disorders related to them deeply undermine the love he offers to you, to the point of leading to this painful and devastating reality.
1:32 PM
Rehabilitation is possible but it is tough and not many people do make it work, since it is a process that must start and continue for the rest of the person's life, otherwise it would not work. He would need to really acknowledge the severity of his situation, take full responsibility for his actions and rehabilitation process, committing to individual, marriage and group psychotherapy, then continuing with individual psychotherapy, marriage counseling as needed and regular participation of support groups; otherwise it would be unrealistic to believe he would be just fine. This is not about intention only but about consistent hard work with necessary support, and he is the only one with the power and responsibility to get the support he needs and work on his rehabilitation, nobody else can do this work for him.
1:32 PM
Does it make sense?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks a lot. That makes lot of sense. It's up to him what he wants to do with his life. I am out of it. And you're right. Who knows, he might give up recovery again.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
You're very welcome. It's very sad and frustrating but this is real and requires a very proactive approach to cope with it. Being fully honest, truthful with yourself and consistent taking action to take good care of yourself is essential. You have no control of what he does but you can and need to control what you do about it and how you take care of yourself.

Some people in your shoes feel they can and want to afford trying again and again; some feel they do not want to expose to the same pain over and over, thus it always depend on what and how you feel about it, your core needs and expectations in the present and future, while assessing reality, with all the issues and challenges it presents.

Please get all the support you can from family, close friends an ideally from counseling. Soon you will graduate and have your masters, what allows you to get a whole year to legally work on your area with a work visa, that's a concrete opportunity you will have, which does not have the limitations of a dependent's visa. Then being eligible to apply to the H1-B visa would allow you to have a total of six years to stay and work in the States. Then there are concrete chances for you in that area.

I truly hope the best for you around these matters and want to thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me back for any further support.

Rafael
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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