Hi I'm Dr. Jackie and I'd like to help if you are still online?
Please let me know--I'll be here online for awhile.
I apologize--I was interrupted in my office but am available now if you want to chat.
And I have closed my door. :-) So I am online available to you if you want.
Which country are you based in?
Would you prefer UK expert?
No an expert from the US is good :)
What do you think of my question on my boyfriend keeping in contact with his ex, he says there just friends and ended on good terms
That is a very good question and its answer is debatable among experts. However, most research shows that the other person (you, the one experiencing jealousy feelings over these matters) almost always feels jealousy. You are definitely not alone. And because of it, more research does show that to avoid what is going to be obvious conflict, it would be better for the other partner just to not have contact with the past. That said, the fact that he did ask you several times shows me that he definitely considered your feelings before acting. Many self-reporting persons on surveys say that they would just have gone ahead and not bothered to ask the other person.
So that is why this is kind of complex. I try not to generalize except when research studies overwhelming point that out the vast majority of responses are similar. But your situation is a bit different in that he did ask. However, in my opinion, especially if your relationship is really serious, avoiding potential large conflicts is important because as you know, relationships are often conflicting enough between the partners without adding the addition of an outside source.
I hope that makes sense.
Yes thats true but I don't see why he would want to go for drinks with his ex and her boyfriend?
Even so hanging out alongside his ex when they have mutual friends. They couldn't have been that important (his friends) as I've never heard of them
I would agree--did she sort of want your bf to "check him out" to see what he thought? Since they were together for 4 years, I'm sure she trusts his judgment, especially about other men?
He knew i didn't particularly like it but he still asked and there was a pattern of this sort of thing coming up once in a while
What I am confused about is why didn't he ask you to go--so that there would be four of you--two couples? That would seem more reasonable, right?
No my boyfriend knew of her boyfriend a bit as they all use to go college together years ago. i sort of blame myself and maybe my jealously did get the better of me
I think he didn't ask me to go because I wouldn't of liked it but your right, he never asked me
I am sorry--you did say that. But maybe she still wanted your bf's approval?
He used to say things like lets leave the past in the past, well then why cant he leave her in the past so to speak
Do you think he would have reacted similarly if it had been you who was going out for drinks with an ex and his girlfriend? I ask because it's sometimes helpful when analyzing things to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and figure out how he would react.
Ye i did but he just used to say that hes just friends with her and that's all. Would you stop contact with an ex if your bf or husband felt uncomfortable with it?
I mean he knew i didnt like it but kept asking about going to a party where his ex might be etc
Speaking personally to address your question, no, I would not. My then fiance (now husband :-) ) was jealous back in grad school when I wanted both of us to meet an old undergrad boyfriend for dinner. I respected his feelings and called my ex in front of my then fiance so that he could hear us. My ex was understanding, I felt better about respecting my fiance. Eventually after we were married we did end up becoming friends--all of us. And I think it was in part because I did respect my fiance. And he respected me.
yea so i blame myself for my jealousy, maybe i should of been understanding
Unfortunately, that is just one anecdotal incident. And so I don't want to generalize about my one example. It's definitely complex, but like I said, what I can bring to the table is what researchers have found. And again, to make it healthier for the relationship couple, it really is better to not spend time with an ex unless it's possible to do with the one feeling jealous/left out.
Please don't blame yourself. I can't remember the exact percentage, but it's something like 96% or so of people reported being jealous in a similar situation. It's a normal emotion. We can't and shouldn't try to control how our heart feels. What we CAN control is our reaction TO THINGS.
Why did you want all of you to meet if you dont mind me asking?
My ex in college was and still is a great human being, full of compassion for everyone. He volunteers in homeless shelters, etc. Because he is such a giving person, I just wanted my husband to meet him because my ex inspires me to be more selfless, more giving to others, etc.
And then too though we we were not really that romantic. I mean, we were "kids" and we had more fun in college hanging out with mutual friends. So I guess that also helped take some pressure off when my then fiance realized were were not "in love" so much as we were friends.
yea thats true
So what can I help you with? I mean, I don't mind sharing my personal examples, but I also like to try to answer specific questions or address specific concerns and I am unsure if I have done that.
Yes thank you very much for your advice tonight