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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Dear XXXXX I have a question about how to have to communicate

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Dear XXXXX I have a question about how to have to communicate with my staborn husband who thinks he s true al the time n his rules should be always followed with out discussions we come from different lifestyle different backgrounds n communication fails ends up a fight most of the time or he says this is how I am deal with it
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 11 months ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

Your husband is someone that feels the need to be in control all the time. If he can not control things in his life he does not feel comfortable.

Deardebra :

Often times to is it becomes a protect things as well. He might feel he needs to make all of your decisions in order to protect you.

Deardebra :

If he has always been like this sense you have known him then you want to look at his childhood. Some times people that feel the need to control situations is because they did not have any control over their life when they were younger.

Deardebra :

A good thing to do is to have him look at things from your side.

Deardebra :

You want to tell him if you were me how would you feel.

Deardebra :

Some times people do not realize how the other person feels.

Deardebra :

His personality sounds like he needs to be right and even if he thought he was wrong he would still argue to prove he was right.

Deardebra :

You need to approach this in a new way. You need to tell him I understand what you are saying, but you also need to listen to what I am saying as well.

Deardebra :

You want to be able to communicate where he can look at your opinion and not get upset.

Deardebra :

If he says too you that this is how he is and deal with it. You want to tell him that you love him more than you can express, but I do not always agree with things you are saying.

Deardebra :

People often feel like in relationship the need for acceptance by the person they love. He is looking for you to accept him for who he is and just go along with what he says. But you are an independent person who also has an opinion and this is one of the reason why he feel in love with you. You spark his interest because you question him and because you have an opinion.

Deardebra :

You argue over things and I am sure after he thinks things through he sees your side but does not want to admit he is wrong.

Deardebra :

You have a right to your opinion and he has a right to his, but he needs to listen and compromise.

Deardebra :

When people argue they do not hear the other person because it just becomes about winning the argument.

Deardebra :

In order to solve problems things have to be discussed in a calm manner. If it can not be discussed this way then writing it down in a letter is a great way for someone to really think about how the other person feels.

Deardebra :

You would hand him a letter to read and then he can respond either in a letter or just talking about what you wrote. I think it would help in him understanding and hearing what you are saying.

Deardebra :

It is important to not just come right out and tell someone they are wrong. You want to approach it by saying I understand what you are saying and I am putting myself in your shoes to understand you. But you also have to put yourself in my shoes so that you can understand me.

Deardebra :

You also can say that why don't you try out my way and I will try your way. This way it is not just one person way of doing things.

Deardebra :

He can not just say it's his way and not consider you and your opinion.

Deardebra :

He needs to compromise and understand that one way is not always the right way.

Deardebra :

He needs to experience other ways of doing things.

Deardebra :

So you need to tell him that why don't you try my way and if you do not like it we will go back to your way. But I feel you should give my way a chance.

Deardebra :

Tell him it is time to compromise and the first step is listening and understanding each other.

Deardebra :

If he explains his feelings more instead of just saying this is who he is, he needs to explain why he is the way he is.

Deardebra :

There is a reason why he is stubborn and that is what you need to ask him first.

Deardebra :

You want to first start the conversation off by telling him you love him.

Deardebra :

Then you need to tell him that you feel if you both could communicate better that both of your wants and needs will be met in the relationship.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Dear XXXXX I always try to find the right time he thinks that he feels safe ifthingss goes his way because he is sure I ll always forgive n I won't leave him he took me for granted another thing is that he s a jealous guy n he has the right to get mad n give me orders like ur not allowed to say this guy is pretty or look n if I catch him looking n I start saying u knw I get jealous too stop looking he gets mad n starts accusing mr that am ruining the evening n I am nagging alot again dead end to me

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 10 months ago.
Thank you for your question. What he needs to understand is you do not do anything in a relationship that you don't want the other person to do. If you are not allowed to say a guy looks cute, then he can not say that about a women. It is only fair to have a relationship that is 50, 50. You do not want a relationship that is one sided. He needs to be understanding of your feelings just like you are of his. The reason for his jealousy is because he is afraid to lose you to someone else and he juts can not stand the thought of losing you. He loves and can not imagine his life with out you, so he controls the relationship out of fear. He takes you for granted because he does not want to show how much he needs you in his life. The reason is still fear of losing you. He thinks if you know how much he needs you, then he will lose control over the relationship. He knows that you always forgive him so he is able to speak his mind. He knows you love him, but gets insecure because he knows he can not live without you. He should not say you are ruining an evening because he needs to understand your feelings. You need to explain things too him so that he understands your feelings. One way of doing this is saying it that was you, you would be upset if I looked at another guy. Some times people do not realize how someone feels unless they are in the other person shoes. Once they think about how they would feel, they are more cautious on acting that way.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I am sorry I rated wrong I dunno how to undo the rate

Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I am so satisfied from your help am sorry for the rate thank u for your help

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 10 months ago.
Thank you so much for writing. That is ok that can happen. Once the rating is through you can no longer change it, but you can rated me again and give me the rating you feel I deserve for my answer. I am going to assist you further and then you can rate me again.
One thing I want you to really look at is his childhood a lot of times childhood influences who we are as adults. He seems like his childhood he might not of had control. When you do not have control of your life you find ways to control it. When you move out of your house and start your own life it does not mean that need to control is gone. His never resolved. He still feels the need to control every part of his and your life. When confronted with any issues he gets defensive because he does not feel there is any problems. He wants to believe that he is just taking care of you in his own way. So instead of resolving the issue he gets more defiant and feels the need to control more. He also is someone that will do certain things to test your love. If he looks at a woman and you do not respond he would think you no longer cared or loved him anymore. Those insecurities would surface. He needs to constantly know you care and love him. But he needs to also know that he needs to understand how you feel. He needs to understand your wants and needs in the relationship. If he talked about how he really feels and why he acts that way, I feel he would feel better and even understand himself better.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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