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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi, Recently my girlfriend found out that I had in my email

Customer Question

Hi, Recently my girlfriend found out that I had in my email a email sent out to someone saying i was looking for sex. I have not cheated on her physically but this is the second time she has caught an email like this. We moved past the first incident and again I screwed up. Is there anyway to work this out, she still has some of my things and facebook status is still the same. I don't know what's going on or what I should do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation that you brought about by seeking sex with other women.

If the tables were turned and you found her email to some guy trying to set up a sexual meeting, how would you feel? How would you react?

If she apologized and said it was because of poor communication between you and other problems in the relationship, would you be inclined to drop it or would it upset you very much and might it even anger you?

Since this is the second time this has happened, I assume that her level of trust for you is very low to non-existent. She sees a pattern of you doing something that she considers unacceptable, then apologizing and asking forgiveness, and then doing the same thing again?

There are certainly communications problems in your relationship and this second incident will make it harder for you to trust her.

All you can do is to throw yourself at her mercy, allow her access to your phone and email, and try to make up for it any way that you can.

She may give you one more chance, but you know you will be on probation.

I wish you great success. You must be humble and mean what you say.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I've told her before that there were little tweaks that felt wronged me in such a way. Mainly now i see that as justification for my actions even though I was at fault the entire time. I did find bad photos on her phone of other guys. So i thought it was acceptable though nothing was going to happen. I don't know if I should do little love bits, get her breakfast, send a flower or chocolates or something to salvage this wreck I have created. It's only been 24hrs so the wounds are still kind of fresh to her. And I'm the type that if something isn't right I'll smother it. If i can't i start overreacting and break down. I'm just at a loss how I should go about acting and to rebuild this.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Relist: Other. Follow up to a response

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Oz,

I am sorry that I could not reply any faster. Since I replied to you before I was working with another client and I have to answer these questions in order that they appear. This system is out of my control.

It seems that she has not been totally innocent either. I would not rub this in her face but instead you could ask her if you both could start over again, but this time BOTH of you being completely true and faithful to each other not only in deed but in word, meaning no more searching for other relationships while you are together.

Bring her a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of the best chocolates and a beautiful card asking her forgiveness. Astound and overwhelm her. She will see that you mean what you are saying. She may not be receptive the first time as the wounds are fresh and she is very angry.

If she is still angry, do not react negatively. Go back the next day with more flowers. Show her that you are not going to let her go and she will eventually soften her heart and take you back.

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Chocolates may send a bad signal, shes loves them but shes a bit bigger woman. I got her breakfast her favorite from McD's and it was shot down.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Oz,

This is the time for you to hang tough. Give her what she likes and wants. How about a piece of jewelry, a gold necklace or earings?

Use your imagination. Don't give up now.

Keep trying and communicating with her. Give her something of value that shows that you value her, and keep giving her your attention and time.

Work hard and win her back.

I know that you can do it.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I dont know if i can. I screwed up I don't if she will take me back. There's still things she has but she threw away most everything from the relationship. I don't know what to do.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Oz,

You have to do your best and if she won't take you back then you will have to accept the loss and gain the wisdom from what happened. If she is done with you then you may never win her back. Keep trying and be prepared to accept that she has moved on from you. Try for the best and expect the worst.

Hopefully, you will get one last chance.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I tried those things, but I may have stepped out of line when i went over there to give her some water filters(she uses them on brita) she was pretty unresponsive to kind alternatives to cope with the trauma i caused.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks, we basically talked about some character flaws i have and basically everything about each other. Good/ Bad/ Ugly, she says she's ready for the "next" stage in life. And with me she doesn't see that I contribute. She stated it'd be awkward since she doesn't see me the same and only reason is because no one else wants her would be to stay with me. I'm going to seek some counseling from my college to see if there's anything to alleviate my own pain and cope with the stress of this and prepare for the worst.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

She keeps text me, one texts says after i said that I want to make amends for what i caused. It says "What don't you get. I can't look at your or love you the exact same." I don't know how to respond.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

On facebook she hasnt denied that she doesnt want me around anymore. Its still showing im in a relationship and shes tagged. The other person has to accept that. I dont know what this means in the midst of it all.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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