Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.
For how long were you dating and was this the first time you broke up, or has this happened before?
While I wait for your reply I want to say that your point makes total sense. Her behaviors do continue to show she is at least thinking about you and checking what you do, and these are not consistent with a decision a person does when seriously ending a relationship. They show she does want to know what you are doing, how you feel and closely see how things evolve. She knows this approach keeps her in a power-control situation since she knows you want to stay together. Now for how long would she keep doing? There is no way to know, each person is unique and some could take more or less time depending on their circumstances, fears, personality and past experiences.
When you change your behaviors leading her to believe you are truly moving on, that could trigger her change in strategy and you would know if she really wants or not give yourselves another chance. I do never suggest people to play games, but to be mature, responsible and accountable, honest about what they feel and want. If you truly feel enough affection and want to work on this relationship, you would need to focus on making changes to end the issues that used to create past arguments-fight with her, hoping she would do the same and give you another chance. This is what you can do, what you can control,, nothing else.
On the other hand, if you no not feel you want to wait and see if there is a chance for her to change her mind and ways, then you should be consistent setting boundaries and limits and focusing on doing what allows you to really move on. If you want to wait and see, ten be honest, let her know what you think, feel, respect and what you are doing to make things different. If even then she chooses not to work on it, then you would decided if you want and feel able to wait even longer or not. You would not be trying to manipulate her, but if she does, she would end self-sabotaging and sabotaging the relationship, but you would not have played a dysfunctional role at all.
Does it make sense?
Hello Mr Rafael,
Thank you for replying.
thank you for your answer. It helps to solidify that its more possible she is still hurt which I also found out in my last talk with her. I wanted confirmation from an expert to know how to proceed. the relationship has only been 3 months but it was too much too soon and very intense on every level. she seem to be crazy about me- txting and calling alot and saying she loved me alot and within 2 weeks.she was exhibiting some behavior tho was also conflicting during the relationship that seem to conflict her true interest in me. This led up to the final fight where she was hiding some information about going out of town when she wasnt. I told her I ddint think she was very honest with me and told her I thought she was crazy. So basically she feels I dont trust her which probably could be the end of ends for a relationship. I have to reflect on why I would still want to be in a relationship with someone I cant trust but I felt i was expecting too much too soon and full trust and honesty from people takes time to develop. So i could not prove any wrong doing in what she had done but i myself jumped the gun and also mis-read some txts. I know it was more of a mis communication but i had to shoot out some long lingering feelings of mistrust to her. I also work with her cousin, who i strongly feel gives her information about me and my feelings. I have kinda played into the games because her cousin had continued to tell me to wait it out- give it time like she knew something. I would not be surprised if her cousin gave her a daily report. I have strong suspicion now they know they have control. I have expressed my 'undying' love so now they prob can continue to either torture me or keep me in line till she is ready to reconcile or not hurt anymore. God knows when that will be. So now I have stopped initiating contact and no word since Thursday. i did go near 2 weeks no contact following the weekend of the fight and she had only sent me one txt. So i know she is also strong and prob playing the NC game on me as well.I dont know what to do now. Should i just continue this round of NC. I still have strong feelings for her but know i should not reveal them to her cousin anymore. And I should continue NC, but now she may feel she can do it longer. Hopefully she wont be so angry and may start to miss me this time or be concerned this one is for real.I dont know. It seems she has a front on me as if she has moved on but in the back ground she is looking at my worklist - prob alot if not daily, and receiving feedback from her cousin. If she contacts me what should I do? . how long should i wait to contact her? Or should i just make like im going to move on? Should i make it known that im dating again to see if a huge change in my direction may trigger her gameplans? Help!
im starting to think theres some huge game playing going on on her side, knowing she doers not risk losing me
i want to turn the tables
those that love the least hold the most power
You're welcome. What you say makes sense and because it seems to be the case I do not recommend you to play any games here. First you need to remind yourself of reality, this was a very short term relationship you have been feeding very strong feelings towards this person without know her well, and even when experiencing concrete dysfunction and now a break you still push yourself into it when having serious trust issues based on her past and present behavior. If you still want to afford what could happen, pushing this even when aware of reality and the potential consequences, then go for it and keep playing, but please do not fool yourself you would be able to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship with this person, if you happen to date again based on such strategies.
yea. I know your right
That works but only for dysfunctional-codependent, never for healthy and fulfilling relationships, thus everything depends on what you want to build and promote here.
i feel like she also knows she needs some help and feel she is capable of change
i dont want to be c-dep. for 3 weeks i was doing all the calling and most txting and it got weird
I am aware that many if not most people , including "experts" recommend such games, but I do not, and it is experience and time which shows how unhealthy or constructive each approach happens to be.
well i think i should just wait things out and not give her any indications from what im feeling but im going to proceed to move on and date other women. its possible she may get help or truely want to work things out but i dont see it anytime soon. What do you think?
Then please reassess your core expectations here, what you want to afford and be consistent taking actions, otherwise you would be fueling a dysfunctional situation, which could never lead to anything truly healthy and fulfilling in the long run.
ok. i will that sounds like the most logical. but love is not always logical
there are times ,even when my ex gf has said, that you cannot fight emotion with logical when it comes to love or relationships
it totally depends on what you and this person feel, belief and experience. Some people feel totally fine attaching to their expectations even when they were in dysfunctional relationships, other people cannot tolerate perpetuating that. Some do indulge in games but hate consequences, but everybody would face reality sooner or later depending on their choices and actions. If you feel fine dating other people while expecting to have another chance with this person, that could work for you, just be very aware of the limitations of such approach.
thi am a very logical- resonable person and I have thrown alot of good variables and logica at her about this and she doesnt buy it now. She use to but now she does not want to hear it.
My response to that would be unless you take full responsibility for all of your feelings, choices and actions, you would self-sabotage, promote destructive relationships and engage in in unhealthy patterns where you and other people would be used, abused and neglected.
I feel my situation may be a perfect example of finding someone else to fill the void, but while keeping the rebound efffect at bay. wuld help my case the best at this time?
you are right. To engage in wanting to get back into this relationship without true outisde help on her end as well would promote myself in perpuatiing relationships as game playing etc and not give effort into seeking truely healthy and 'easy' fullfilling relationships
Again, the answer would depend on your own value and belief systems, your core needs and expectations, depending on them you should lead your choices and actions, but always reassess the soundness of that, for you to change and improve your ways, other way you would not improve but get deeper into limited and destructive patterns too.
many of us put too much effort in correcting relationships when it should be used to blossoming and furthering the love
trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome :(
It does require effort and hard work, but it must be based on mutual respect, honesty, openness and accountability. then it would be about compatibility, chemistry and time, experiences.
You get and cultivate onions, you would get onions never apples. If you want apples, then get apple seeds and do take good care of them to get apples.
yes- you are right. Even after the breakup- she is still not being honest -if not downright lying about her feelings. I'm going to move on. Its after something ends is when you see peoples true colors
She was also abused in her last marriage. he hit her and made her do drugs
So i think she is kinda messed up
Always be mindful, willing to learn, to improve, being consistent and taking full responsibility of what depends on you, then look for people who match your self and life style, then it would be truly healthy and fulfilling love.
he hit her many times- one which ended in a miscarriage
I am sorry to hear that, many mental health disorders evolve from exposure to abuse and trauma, and most times require psychological treatment in order to rehabilitate from them.
she prob has fears
fight prob set a trigger
now she is uncertain if its safe
I hope she gets professional support.
I hope so too
Thank you for your help
I will certainly use this support again
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.
Take care and I will use your advice
I am glad to hear that. Thank you and feel free to contact me again as needed, just make sure to include my name in your question if you want me to reply.
Bye for now.
Hi. this is for
Please review my recent session. i have firther questions and update. After 3 weeks of trying to get back with my ex with maybe 1-2 txts per day and a few phone calls a week. I havnt done too much or too little. i been calm and cool and caring. I feel i was tested towards the end of 3 weeks when she didnt call me back for 3 hours and asked if i was ok with that like she was expecting me to get upset. I had one last phone conversation where we agreed not to label out 'relationship as either friends or lovers but 2 people that did enjoy each others company. She said some weird crap like...for example. I asked if she missed the last house she lived in since her family moved recently. she said she dont miss anything coz she was 'within herself'. Another part she said she needed to find 'herself' again. Meanwhile im thinking 'wtf'. so that was the last contact i had with her. I had brought up the relationship and i still sensed 'hurt'. So i have not spoken to her or txt her or recieved anything since august 8th. 10 days of NC. I feel this if anything is going to take months for her to heal not weeks.So my 1st question is.- what do you make of that so far?
2nd is an interesting development last week. A female friend of mine from work who i have had issues before have now developed a close relationship as friends. nothing else. She sees that i have changed and become a better person that i use to be. I'm more 'cool' now. Well her name is dagny. She happens to be close friends with someone that hates me coz she use to work with me and we didnt get along. Her name is pat and she works in another office. She so happens to work with and became good friends with my ex's sister Jackie. Well pat- i know- has given jackie het 2 cents about me being an asshole and has influenced jackie to talk to Rose and gave her negative impressions of me while i had been dating her. Rose told me about this. Well when we ended up fighting - i feel those impressions surfaced and became more fuel to break things up with me. The sister Jackie was also a co-worker of mine. We worked together for 2 years and was close friends. We got along great. So when i heard she was against me i was annoyed. Well i work with my Ex's cousin. The cousin is holding a wedding that i was invited coz i also semi know the bride.The sister and cousin had set me and Rose up but when they saw we was getting off too fast of a start they changed their minds on setting me and Rose up and tried to get Rose to break up with me. But she refused...until we had the fight. anyhows. my friend Dagny went to happy hour recently with pat and Jackie. She got in a bad verbal fight with Jackie on that it wasnt right to set me and Rose up then change their minds all of suddden coz they thought we was moving too fast. dagny stood up for me coz she knows im a good guy and dont deserve that. She came back and told me. I went and told cousin (Janet) i wasnt going to wedding. Well she got very upset and told her sister the bride to be. Well the bride called Jackie and also reemed her out about saying bad stuff about me lol. Talk about karma!. Well on Friday Jackie calls me at work and apologized to me for about 20 minutes and begged me to go to wedding. She said something about..dont go coz i want you to meet up with my sister but go coz i ask you to. So i said i think about it and she asked me to call or txt her if im going. So for some reason both families. the cousins and Ex's family are making huge deal about me going to wedding. funny thing is this. I'M NOBODY! I'm not a family member. I'm not a big figure. I hardly know anyone. Theres like 500 quests coming and they are makng huge drama about me coming to wedding. Which my ex Rose is gonna be a bridesmaid. I am just a co-worker of cousin Janet. Now. i would have thought they would been happy I wasnt going to wedding coz I hurt one of their family members and I could be a distraction or create 'issues' at wedding esp if I make a scene about Rose in front of her parents who dont even know about us. Theres alot more risk of having me go but WHY are they so determined to have me go to wedding? i know im assuming things here but is it possible they are expecting Rose to reconcile with me at wedding? In their culture and in their family they seem to control the children and siblings. They had told rose to love and marry a man she didnt want and she did it! So I would think they may have told rose to ignore me till wedding coz i was a distraction.?? i dont know man. theres something fishy with all of this. from the break up to all of the sudden making big drama about me coming to wedding like im the quest of honor lol. so bottom line. Ex dont call or txt me for like a month but returns my calls and txts. She is polite but kinda cold. If i dont call or txt she has gone weeks without contact unless i do it. she however has slipped a few times and started clling me 'nicknames' and asl said she saw how busy i was on my schedule. it seems behind the scene she is checking on me but making like she is over me. Then now her families and very very determined to have me go to a wedding they should have been happy that i dont attend. i'm a person that hurt their family member and a risk at wedding. So what gives? i know it may be hard to follow lol.
Yes. I agree with most of your assessment. There is definitely game playing going on, but to what reason is to be determined.1st type is The game playing could be trying to teach me a lesson to eventually come back into a relationship in a better situation from my part i will not screw up again. Which of course i need to asses my sense if i want to afford possible game playing again in the long run if she gets upset again. She has played games and or tried to give veiled threats during the relationship to test me responses. So it can be a good chance that this is same but to a larger longer test. This actually is what i hope because it gives me a chance to make a choice of going back to her to try to reach her in a deeper sense to correct our or her patterns with dealing with issues. Or even to successfully get he to receive treatment eventually.
the 2nd is possible she may be playing with my feelings to instill revenge to hurt me as much as possible as i have hurt her with no intentions of coming back to me. This is the worse case with obvious consequences to my psych.
3rd and final is just that this is her way of moving on and trying to be polite with the least mess as possible. This is probably the most likely scenario .
However, the spots of light such as her checking on me behind the scenes, the way she still keeps open communication by responding to my contact, and also a large recent positive interest in my presence at a large family event ( which could be a refection of the interest Rose may Feel and or the family knows about), and openness about going out as friends with me again, gives a certain percentage of chance, which even as low as 10-20 % is much betetr than 0 % which would have been evident if all of these above lights did not exist, gives me the hope to afford to wait it out and 'see' what happens. I am thinking of actually not giving my answer very soon to see what else may happen as the family waits for my answer. It seems to get more and more interesting, where the possible contact from Rose may not be far off. This situation has granted me temporary power as to speak. I feel I am making strides in getting over Rose, however I am cue on their possible games as well so with my lessening interests as well as power gain it would only be to my advantage to keep THEM guessing as so they may not know my plans to occupy their scheming. There is a saying. Dont give up till the very last once of water is gone because at the last possible moment is when the tide will turn back. Even so, there can be events or even regret talk to Rose about breakup that could create a veiw of need where she feels compelled to confide in me and show herself she needs me as her man. I know my views may come off as obsessive or delusional, but i feel I'm very much in love with this woman that cna only be classified as unconditional love. As it may seem od or strange but its as rare as an oddity . I have never felt this way for anyone in my life. I have been sad for maybe 2 weeks after break up at longest but not over 5 weeks. I feel the only 2 things that can happen right now or up till wedding that will make me turn and walk away totally is to find she is with someone else, or she somehow tell me directly or directly to no longer contact her. I strongly feel because she is from a different culture and her family seems to control her, this is not a typical American woman or American type relationship . That is why this is soo hard to read this is because I feel the signs she is showing is not typical of a woman that is 27 years old, but of a teen love at 15 years old. Remember she was forced into a marriage w/o even dating or ever having a boyfriend as typical as in America. Her views on infatuation and love are distorted and not realized. she has not received therapy and none has sat down to explain these things to her that what she felt was lust but if it fades it does not mean she cannot still love me and continue the relationship. I guess i am waiting for this possible event to happen. however i will not wait the next 5 years till her relationship maturity level is 20 naturally. lol. I know it is way out of your typical assessments...which is beyond American relationship dating..but international...culture shattering perspective. if you feel you cant help me to go beyond this point let me know if there is someone that may help in the culture divide. Thank you