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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I feel guilty for being so jealous in my previous relationship.

Resolved Question:

I feel guilty for being so jealous in my previous relationship. WAS my jealousy valid?
My then boyfriend kept in touch with his ex girlfriend once in a while and I told him that I didn't like it but he just said that they were just friends and that there break up ended on good terms! They were together for 4 years.
He also asked me if he could go to a friends party (his ex would be there to as they have some mutual friends) and he asked me if he could go for a drink with his ex and her boyfriend (my boyfriend knew of him briefly from college before). I never quite understood why!
There was also a time when I caught him texting another woman inappropriately behind my back.
These things ate away at the relationship and I found it hard to trust him. He was good to me and treated me well but I used to worry constantly.
I blame myself for maybe overreacting.
Should he have listened to me if I was uncomfortable with the contact?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

Trust is based on actions and not just words.

If he was trying to have a relationship with another woman in a surreptitious manner.

He also was seeing his ex on terms that may or may not have been innocent, but they were against your wishes.

He knew that you were not comfortable with him seeing her and continuing his relationship, as if he were hopeful for something to re-emerge.

There may or may not be something going on, but the fact is that his behavior was hurting your relationship and he put his needs and desires ahead of your feelings and chipped away at your trust and feeling of security.

This is the way you react and he did not respect it, perhaps because he is not a conscious enough person, but it did hurt you, and does hurt the relationship.

He should have cared enough to respect your feelings. He did not.

I don't know if your jealousy was valid, but your feelings WERE valid and he did not respect them.

I hope that this helps. Perhaps he will learn to respect your feelings if it is not too late.

I wish you great success and shall keep you in my prayers to that end.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC


Customer: replied 1 year ago.

If yor wife or girlfriend asked you to cut contact, would you?


I wonder why he would even want to hang out with his ex and her boyfriend?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Yes I would, because I would value my relationship. This wasn't just a friend, but his ex girlfriend, former lover, and intimate person in his life.

Perhaps her current boyfriend doesn't see what may be going on, but obviously the two of them want to be together. This is a foot in the door.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks Elliott,


 


Is there a time when keeping in contact with an ex is acceptable?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
I'm sure there could be some appropriate times (saying farewell on his or her deathbed, attending the wedding of her and your brother or your boyfriend's brother, etc.) but this doesn't seem like one of them.

Elliott Smile
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

As well as that there was time that he brought a little present for her when he came back from holiday?


Some would say I was just overreacting


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
I say you are reacting and are justified.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Counselor
7663 Satisfied Customers
35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.