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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello there, Ive been married for 15 yrs now. 10 together

Customer Question

Hello there,
I've been married for 15 yrs now. 10 together and the last 5 apart because of work reasons. We have 4 children together. 13,11,9 and 7. I'm a reasonable person with not a lot of demands or needs. I feel like throughout the relationship I'm the one that has to make all the decisions. Make all the moves. She's very bad with money. I mean very. Doesn't show emotions. Intimacy was always and issue and I thought it would change in time, figuring maybe it's because of previous bad experiences.....It seems that everything I'm saying is negative and the question would be then why did you get married in the first place!! My answer would be because she is a good girl. I thought at the time, I was 24, that that's the most important thing and everything would change in time together. It wasn't the case. I just dealt with it cause I didn't want to give up. We've always lived up North and in 2006 I wanted to move to a southern state figuring it would be a better life for us since I'm the only source of income as well as for the kids. She fought me with everything she has not to move, but finally after losing everything she finally did it in 2007. We went down there, and it didn't turn out as I was hoping, so I decided to move back up north since that's where I know I can earn a living to support my family. Again, she decided not to come cause of fear of change and and and and....I've tried every possible way to explain to her that this is not a way to live. Anyways, to make a long story short, I'm at a point where I really don't care anymore. I felt like I was nothing but a paycheck and that's it. Now, for the past 2 weeks, she has been trying so hard to make it work. But I don't want it. She said she finally realized her mistakes. She's seeing a therapist and that she's opening her eyes and realizing her mistakes. I tried for soooooooooooo Long, you have no idea. I don't know what the right thing to do at this point. May main concern is my children, and nothing else. I don't hate her, but I resent her so much for the damage she caused. Please advise.

Thank you.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

It seems that you7 are finally making some progress in getting her to open her eyes. You have been so patient for so long, and now, after much heartache for the both of you, she is going to a therapist and possibly on the verge of a positive breakthrough.

You have waited so long for this to happen, and are just about at the end of your patience.

Fifteen years is a lot of patience and you deserve to come out ahead after all of the loving endurance.

You have four kids involved, and the well-being of six individuals is on the line here.

True, you have been the breadwinner, but she did stay at home and raise four children, and I imagine that, even if she had some help (you never mentioned) this was still a hard and commendable task.

I do not doubt that she has caused a great deal of damage to all of you. As you said, she is a good girl and did not behave this way out of meanness, but rather because of things in her past that she is finally, hopefully, getting to understand and deal with.

I strongly urge you to do all you can to forgive her and move on as she finally becomes the woman that she needs to become, for herself, and to be a good wife and mother.

I suggest that you either join her in her therapy sessions, if her therapist or counselor will agree, or take up with another licensed marriage and family therapist and try to resolve your differences and learn how to better communicate with each other so that history will stop repeating itself, and that past issues that have been resolved, don't become part of your future together.

For the children, and for all of you, try to make this work now that you seem to be having a positive breakthrough. Any other solution is not as good.

I wish you wisdom, courage, and great perseverance, and to that end I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ty, and if I really am fed up and I just feel that I don't want to deal with it anymore. I know it sounds selfish, but I really have nothing more for her. She is like a sister to me. It's sad but true. I really don't know what to do

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you again. And God bless you too.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you !

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