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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I have two friends, and three relatives, who do this: to me,

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I have two friends, and three relatives, who do this: to me, they do not communicate often, it does not get to the point where I know I will be O.K. no matter how often I call, or write, I have to ask and come up with an idea as to the frequency and topic, how it is worded, then they don't share all about activities; there is something left out and it seems like they just don't have time to explain about them which can happen in adult life, but there is not a substitute or statement that they are busy and can't communicate about everything they do. I have had to ask if we were friends and still have the feeling they are friends, they have also become a little more distant with time, are they friends just to be polite and do not have a way of dumping me or nothing that bad happened that they would do that, but nothing as good is happening with me as seemingly with others they live near or who know them through their kids' school, I'm out of town? Is there something I can do to get them back to a more desirable status if they are not? I know a really good friend would be a peer and help or be more of a favorite, why should one person be "on the back burner" or be treated poorly? I know I have been concerned and then there was a good explanation and I was wrong, there was nothing wrong. Should I "get them back"? I don't get that warm, confident feeling I should have, for some reason it is being witheld. Why? I know other people who communicate better than me, are popular, and you can tell, is that the reason?
More active? However, I was not rejected by some very popular people in the same things I was doing and the ones I did not know were involved in other things and I never really saw them. I just would like to let them feel a little sympathy for what they do to me. Is it too late for more control, but keep the friendship? If there is a reason to not be friends, should you make an excuse or end it with special effects that are lasting to them in their future relationships? I used to just not write back or talk to other people...now I value every friendship and hope they are not toxic. I feel like letting these people know about what they are doing in a way that puts them in a better position with me, is that possible? Is it time to let go when it's like that, or beg for a normal relationship? What if they don't lie but you think they do unfriendly things when they think you don't notice? What if someone says I thought she emailed you back when she didn't so you ask and they say sure you are always friends? Let it go once, if it happens again then what? Thanks. I was used to things being fine with people and no problem letting the other know when things needed to change, it did not threaten the relationship. Wrong class maybe?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Deardebra : It sounds like you know the value of friendships. You know hiw important it is to have good friends in your life. But some times people do not realize how important it is to have someone in your life that understands you and is there for you.
Deardebra : People often get so busy in their lives they do not realize that years have past. People think that they will get in touch with certain friends but time keeps passing by.
Deardebra : When time passes and friends try to reconnect it is an adjustment.
Deardebra : They now have to add them to their lives, so other friends that may have been in their lives for years might get special treatment only because they have been there.
Deardebra : But once the friend that just contacted the friend after years gets back into their lives they will also get special treatment.
Deardebra : Every friend gets different treatment because there are friends that have different personalities. One might have a friend that likes to go shopping, while another persons friend might be good at giving advice. People tend to go to others for certain things.
Deardebra : Everyone is different so people tend to be friends with things they have in common. If friends go to church every Sunday then they have that connection, if two friends like going out to eat then they have a connect. You tend to have friends that like the same things.
Deardebra : If a friend is unfriendly then that is not a good friend. Friends should care and always understand each other. They should also value each others friendship.
Deardebra : If someone says they are always friends then unless they prove otherwise then I would believe that they are friends.
Deardebra : The problem is people are so busy that they have trouble keeping in touch because they may work long hours of they are just busy with activities in their life.
Deardebra : You just never know how busy people really are and what is going on in their lives.
Deardebra : You want to keep in contact even if it is hard for them to keep in contact.
Deardebra : Some times in friendships there is someone that is a better communicator.
Deardebra : Some times friendships can be the person doesn't call but waits to hear from their friend.
Deardebra : People are some times just not good at returning emails or phone calls. But if you call them they take the time to listen. This is because people have different personalities.
Deardebra : You can always get back control in a friendship if you stay in contact and show them you ate going to be there.
Deardebra : Once people get use to someone being there they tend to rely on them more. They might call to ask the person opinion, invite them to do certain activities, invite them to functions. When someone is always there in your life you tend to include them more.
Deardebra : Thank you again for your question.
Customer:

What do you think of helping your friend to be friends with another one? Is that not a risk? Also, the one who did not send the email, he said he thought she sent it, is that O.K.? Should he have said I will check with her or something more

Customer:

than that? He said we would always be friends. So, what do you think about what he did about it? Anything off there?

Deardebra :

When you help a friend be friends with another friend some times those two friends hit it off so well they exclude the friend that introduced them.

Deardebra :

But some times they all become good friends and do things together like go out places and plan events.

Deardebra :

She might have told him that she sent it and he should have checked and asked her if she did sent it.

Deardebra :

He should have got back too you on the e-mail or she should have made sure she sent the e-mail too you once he told her that you were asking.

Deardebra :

He said you would always be friends so that means he values your friendship and want it to continue.

Customer:

So do I need to ask about the email? I value the people to have as friends, they have some status.

Deardebra :

I would send a follow up e-mail asking if she sent the e-mail.

Deardebra :

You want to resolve this issue so you know if she even sent the e-mail or not. I would ask her directly about it in case he forgot.

Customer:

So this type of behavior does not indicate only politeness not a friendship?

Deardebra : I think they want to be friends and I think they are just polite people. I feel that they think your friendship is important too them.
Deardebra : They have told you that you are there friend so I feel they were being honest.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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