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RLiebowitz
RLiebowitz, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 48
Experience:  work with couples and families in private practice
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New Question New Problem: Sherry is taking a couple of CEU

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New Question New Problem:
Sherry is taking a couple of CEU (Continuing Education Unit) classes that teachers have to take to re-certify every 5 years. A couple of weeks ago she was supposedly "Studying" and she huffed and got pissed off when I wouldn't leave her alone to study. I told her I was sorry and the next time I will respect her time and need to study. About a week ago I asked her "What are you doing today"? She replied "Studying" and I said, Ok, I will leave you alone for the most part today. She replied "Whatever". Her whatever was taken as a smart ass reply. Sherry can be a very vague, very very vague person. A lot of her open ended No Response Responses are such as, Doesn't Matter, Whatever, Up To You. So with responses like these she doesn't have to say exactly what she wants and I am expected to be a mind reader and had better get it right. So I was off on 8-2 (when I asked what she was doing and got the studying reply) and decided to spend the day out riding around and seeing old friends. Sherry and I couldn't see each other because she was taking care of her mother who had surgery on 8-1 and I've told you we have to "Sneak" around to see each other which as an adult I think is ridiculous. I spent the majority of the day in her area 2 hours North of where I live, seeing old high school friends. I text her later that afternoon and asked how her mother was, was she in any pain, etc. That was about all that was said until around 10:00 pm that night. I told her I was passing by her house...blew the horn when I passed by...and then got the third degree! Because I didn't tell her what I was doing? She wants an open, honest, and transparent relationship. Sherry tells me every move she makes. Whether it is going to the gym, or going to Walmart. I generally tell her, but probably not as much as her, but do tell her. I explained to her that I was trying to give her silence to study. She then accused me of seeing someone else and lying (based on lies in the past). Now let's look at this for a second with a little common sense. If I were f*cking another woman which is what I was accused of, why not just say goodnight at 10:00 pm and let her think I was at home on the Gulf Coast 2 hours south of her...rather than tell her I had been in the area all day and was driving back home, and laying down on the horn when I passed her house? If I had been up to no good...why not just fly under the radar? Why would I reveal myself? Doesn't make sense to me. Now for a week she has been a cold b*tch, she will not text or talk to me...she only answers questions. Speaks when spoken to, and her classic response to I love you...."K". Her idea is it would have only taken 2 seconds to send a text to let her know where I was and what I was doing. True! I agree with that, and hindsight, probably should have done that. I really just didn't think much about it, and I was trying to respect her need to study. I am at my wits end with this lady! I sent her a text this morning and said I see where I could and should have sent a 2 second text. But you don't see where I was just enjoying my day off and really wasn't thinking about much and was just trying to give you your study space. I asked that she please meet me somewhere in the middle if she wanted to be a couple, if she loves me...or continue to push me away...your choice. I told her I love her and her son and want to spend the rest of my life with the two of you. My love, like yours will never be perfect, but I do love you, and I am asking nicely for you to stop kicking me while I am down...you've made your point. Now can we please meet in the middle somewhere? Do you love me? The way you're treating me, and your refusal to say you love me tells me something different than what you say. Please help me here Ms Liebowitz. Thank you for your time.

-Steven
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

She knows that she has to study, but what she really wants to do is spend time with you. When she felt like you were bothering her when she was studying, I think she felt that if she got her studying done she could spend time with you so the longer it took the more upset and disappointed she got.

Deardebra :

You being a kind and considerate person gave her the space she needed next time to study so you decided to go out with friends.

Deardebra :

So now in her mind she is missing out on spending time with you and she does not know what you are doing with out her, so she start thinking things.

Deardebra :

This why she accused you of seeing someone else because her mind wandered into negative thoughts.

Deardebra :

One thing that you mentioned was that she give you in detail everything she does, so that is her personality. That is who she is and she would expect you to do the same because she is like that, but you do not feel that need to tell her every place you are every minute.

Deardebra :

But I do feel when she was studying if you told her where you were every minute it would have eased her mind.

Deardebra :

Even though she was studying and you did not want to bother her with text about where you were, she felt you have something to hide. But she should have never thought that.

Deardebra :

She feels bad almost left out that she has to take all this time studying and I feel she needs that reassurance that you want nothing more then to be with her then hanging out with friends, but also tell her that you wanted to give her that space she needed to study.

Deardebra :

When you went by blew the horn and did not tell her what you were doing she right away thought you were doing something you shouldn't have been doing, so she wanted an answers right away.

Deardebra :

The reason why this happens in relationships is because the person in so in love with the person that they are scared to lose them, so they often let their emotions take over and can not control them.

Deardebra :

Instead of her thinking things through first she reacted out of her emotions.

Deardebra :

She also might have wanted you to stop in to see her even though you wanted her to have her space to study she might have really wanted you to come over.

Deardebra :

You are very right on why would you drive by her house and beep if you were doing something wrong. You would have wanted to sneak by and not be seen if you were doing something wrong. So she should look at that as well.

Deardebra :

Her not texting or talking and only answering questions she does not know how to let her emotions out to move forward together. She does not solve her anger quickly because she need answers and needs to justify things in her mind.

Deardebra :

If you explain everything too her because I feel that is what she is looking for some explanation why O feel she could put it behind her but right now that is what she is thinking about so she is being cold so you know she is still upset. It is like she puts up a wall because she is afraid to get hurt. The reason for this is because she loves you.

Deardebra :

When people are hurt they often block out feelings out of fear. she thinks if she does not tell you she loves you that it will save her from being hurt by you, but you can not stop love.

Deardebra :

What you need to tell her is for her to let you fully in her life.

Deardebra :

She keeps stopping herself because she does not want to get hurt.

Deardebra :

What I want you to do is when she wants to study offer her your help. Explain too her that you might be able to ask her questions that might be on the test. You want to show her that you want her to succeed in her studies and that you would do anything to spend time with her and help her.

Deardebra :

She thinks that you were out having a great time without her but what she does not realize is that all you wanted to do was be with her.

Deardebra :

You ask her if she loved you and I see that she does because if she didn't she would not care and react how she did.

Deardebra :

You ask her to meet you in the middle, but she just thinks that you should just understand how she feels.

Deardebra :

But relationships are 50/50 and communication is key in a successful relationship.

Deardebra :

If she is hurt she needs to talk about it, not shut you out. Problems do not get solved unless they are discussed.

Deardebra :

What people do is they hold in all there emotions and then it builds up. She needs to tell you right away in a calm manner what bothers her.

Deardebra :

You also need to do the same.

Deardebra :

Even if it has to be writtened down and handed too her.

Deardebra :

In the situation where she excused you of being with someone else. She should have just nicely asked what you did for the day and where you were coming from when you went by. But instead it turned into an argument and you being accused of something you did not do.

Deardebra :

Now she has not got the answers she wanted because it turned into the silent treatment.

Deardebra :

So now this is something she can not resolved because she has not let it go yet because she has questions not answered. You both need to talk about what happened so that she can move forward and open back up to focusing on loving you.

Deardebra :

She just has wall up right now that need to be broken down and the only way to do that is to reassure her that you love her more than you could ever tell her.

Deardebra :

She loves you she just needs to open up to let you in. Thank you again for your question.

Expert:  RLiebowitz replied 1 year ago.
Hi, Steve. Thanks for requesting me again!

In summary - you've done nothing wrong. She's totally being typical Sherry in this one - so don't walk away from this thinking that you're "bad."

While maybe sending her a text would have been wise, there's no reason for all these accusations based on a slip-up. You've done nothing in the past to point her in this direction.

I'd be negligent to not mention that this is always Sherry's MO. You're constantly being meant to feel like a bad guy when in reality, you're a good guy. You're trying really hard to make this relationship function and you're putting your all in and she's constantly finding something wrong with it. It's really very unfair to you!

Would you consider having a conversation with her about how everything you do she twists into you being the bad guy?




Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Here's what I have decided...healthy or not. I am going to play by her rules and give her a taste of her own medicine. In other words I am not going to have a hell of a lot to say to her! Period! I will say Good Morning, Going To Work, Headed Home, and Good Night. Pretty Much Nothing Else in between and I sure as hell WILL NOT say I love you any longer! If she asks me a question...I will answer it. If She asks why I have stopped telling her I love her I will simply tell her I'm tired of the "K" responses and unless you are retarded or something you should know the appropriate response to someone saying "Good Morning" to you is to say Good Morning back as is "I Love You" unless of course you don't.

Expert:  RLiebowitz replied 1 year ago.
But you're cutting your nose to spite your face. You're a GOOD GUY! You want a relationship where you can be affectionate, where you can express yourself, where you can do sweet things. Why not demand the ability to exercise that in a relationship?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok...What do you propose? She will NOT talk to me. She isn't refusing to talk, but all she does is answer my questions she is not holding a conversation so that is not talking. That's almost like talking to a death mute. I don't mean that as cold as it sounds, but it is just about that bad. Also her reply to "I Love You" is......."K" If I knew you personally, and I don't know what the "R" stands for but going out on a limb here and just going to give you a name. If you and I bumped into each other and I said Good Morning Robin and you said ANYTHING other than Good Morning Steven back to me.....You have a mental problem, ie...I love you, ...."K" I really do not feel like continuing to "Court" her and draw her out of her shell any longer. I've grown very weary of constantly getting beat up for every little thing I say or do. So if I do little, and say very little, then there shouldn't be a problem. Is that healthy and productive...No, but I've done all I know to do and like I said I've grown very weary, but I am open to listening to your advice. I do know one guaranteed way to hear I love you and the little asshole in me as thought about something, but could never do it. When we are making love and she is at the height of her sexual satisfaction having multiple back to back orgasms she will gasp for air and whisper over and over I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You....and so on. The little asshole in me has thought devilishly of gently putting my hand over her mouth and saying "K" now shut up and lay still! Cold hearted? You bet! Could I ever actually do that? No, never....but it just pisses me off to no end to get a "K" as a response to a very heart felt emotion that I share and get slapped in the face over!


 


One final question that I don't think you're going to be able to answer...but give it a shot anyway. When I ask "YOU" a question and I specifically request "YOU" why the hell does someone else chime in (Deardebra) with their opinions? I realize it took you a while to know you had a question and maybe the others on this forum thought it wasn't getting answered quick enough. I had no problem waiting....and if I were in a hurry for an answer I can contact customer service. Her advice would be spot on, absolutely great advice, if this were the first...maybe even second time. But the one thing she was lacking was the history of how Sherry continues to act....that is why I wanted to talk to someone who knows the history! This is not the first time I have specifically requested someone and another person jumped in. Very rude and my rating is generally very reflective of that as well.

Expert:  RLiebowitz replied 1 year ago.
Steve you continue to crack me up! And the "R" stands for Renee. I continue to go back to the fact that I'm not sure Sherry is the one for you. I think you're trying to fit a square peg into a circle hole. You're not in your 20s - you've lived life, you deserve to have a partner that makes you feel respected and able to express yourself. I hear you - I absolutely do not think it's "normal" to respond to someone who expresses deep emotions with "K," HOWEVER - I guess my other question is, why does she STAY with you if SHE is so locked up in her own emotions? Are you providing some kind of financial support? I understand your desire to play out that little scenario in the bedroom, but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is, that isn't you! You're a good guy who's looking for love. Maybe less time on JustAnswer and more time on Match.com? ;-)

To address your other question - I unfortunately don't have any professional responses to that but do emphasize that you rate them appropriately.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

"Renee" Wink


 


It will be later this evening before I can close this out and rate your answers as I am going to work. To answer your question of why does she stay...with a guy who is obviously so so screwed up? I guess because she loves me. I have no doubt that she loves me. Financial support? No...she even refuses gifts when we are fussing. She has said time and time again she does not want me for my money (not like I am loaded, but do make about 4 times what she makes). She wants me to love and respect her. The reason I stay is because she really is a good good lady and I've never seen a better mother other than my own and I wouldn't even say my mother was "better" but Sherry is equal to my mother and that is one hell of a compliment! I do love her, and I do think we could make it work....if we can get back to where we once were. That is a big if and at this point I am not sure if it is really possible. I guess all things are possible, but do I have the energy to get us to where we both want to be? Probably not.

Expert:  RLiebowitz replied 1 year ago.
NO! Not why does she stay with a guy who is screwed up - you aren't screwed up! If she is so unhappy and so unwilling to participate in the relationship - why does she remain? She's so convinced you're this bad guy and doesn't give you anything - why does she stay?

I know you love her, and I appreciate that she has a nurturing side that reminds you of home, but it seems like her own baggage prevents her from giving you consistency! which is what drives you nuts (and rightfully so)!

Maybe you can get her on here??? :-)
RLiebowitz, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 48
Experience: work with couples and families in private practice
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