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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Dr. L, do you have time to chat for a bit?

Resolved Question:

Dr. L, do you have time to chat for a bit?


 


I don't know if it's a little too late, so I will just throw my question and we can change to chat-mode when you are online.


Please bear with me, I know this shouldn't even be in my mind but I keep asking myself if this guy at least really believed he loved me.


he told me he was in love with me, he said: "I am in love with you, I am very much in love with you".


I will tell you how we broke up, but he did come back. I didn't call him for his birthday and next day he was looking for me. I acted as if the relationship was finished and he followed my lead. I walked away and didn't give him any chance for discussion.


Over three months have gone by, and I haven't heard from him. I still wonder if he will ever look for me again.


What do you think?


 


Additionally, I don't even think I would take him back... but I still wonder.


 


He was important for me, and I wish you could tell me that I was important for him too. I think I was... but I am not sure.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hi,

Dr. L :

I'm here if you are still available.

Dr. L :

I will read your post and reply.

Customer:

hi

Customer:

I am here

Dr. L :

I think it is difficult to know what he really believed. He was in such denial about his own life and he was not someone who told the truth very often.

Dr. L :

Hi!

Dr. L :

I do think it is possible that he loved you. But that love was based on his interpretation of that feeling...not on your interpretation. For you,love is about deep care and concern, about honesty, about compassion,about wanting the best for the person. It is not purely about sex or physical intimacy. It is not about dominating someone.

Dr. L :

For him, love was about conquering someone, about controlling them,manipulating them. It was about meeting one's own needs for love, affection, intimacy.

Dr. L :

So...while he used the word love - and possibly meant it - it would not be the same as what you felt.

Dr. L :

You were willing to commit to this man. Yet he was unwilling to put you at the center of his world...that place was reserved for him.

Dr. L :

And yes...I do understand that he was important to you for many reasons. And...I do think that you were very important to him. From you he was able to succeed at having a woman love him and care for him. It may be that you were more important to him...then the other way around!

Dr. L :

He needed you so that he could feel manly and in control.

Dr. L :

You really made his life good....giving him validation and supporting his ego.

Dr. L :

So...maybe the issue is not so much about if he loved you or not...but rather one about how important you were to him. Which I would say...you were extremely important to him.

Customer:

when I listen to your explanation, I remember some of the things he said to me... and i t makes sense

Dr. L :

good...I think this is a different way to look at the relationship...one that is more realistic...

Customer:

It does take away some of my anguish

Customer:

and it sounds like him

Customer:

I do feel I was extremely important to him, which may be his interpretation of being in love

Dr. L :

Yes...you have to remember that he is not a very sophisticated individual...so it is easy for him to misinterpret words and feelings.

Dr. L :

I think you are right...what you would describe as "love" is what he experiences as "importance".

Customer:

so what do you think he thought when we separated? Do you remember how it happened?

Dr. L :

Yes. I remember.

Customer:

he lost something really important and...

Dr. L :

I think he likely was very angry with you.

Customer:

I agree

Customer:

I was actually very scared

Dr. L :

He likely believed he had "caught" you or "won" you and then you rejected him.

Customer:

I prayed for him not to become aggressive

Dr. L :

It likely hurt his ego.

Dr. L :

Yes...he was scary in that respect and you had no real way of predicting what he would or would not do.

Dr. L :

I think he may have decided to just give up that he had won you once and that was enough for him.

Customer:

but... that doesn't make sense... if you win something important, when you lose it... wouldn't you mourn that lose, wouldn't you try to make amends?

Customer:

an important relationship is not a trophy

Dr. L :

Remember he has a huge ego. To come after you again might feel like begging...and that is not something he would do.

Dr. L :

But that's your thinking...for him...you were a trophy...a very important trophy.

Customer:

he actually felt he had begged me too much already

Dr. L :

Winning you was what he wanted...and he succeeded...

Customer:

he felt that every time he came back for me, he lost a point, sort of...

Dr. L :

Yes...and that is why he didn't come back this time. He had done all the begging and pleading he was willing to do and so he gave up.

Dr. L :

Yes...that makes sense. He wanted to win you by being the strong, in charge, manly man.

Customer:

I understand that but he is also a person that won't let go of the past

Dr. L :

Every time he came back for you, you made it very difficult for him and he had to fight to get you to even talk to him...in his mind that would be begging and a sign of weakness on his part.

Dr. L :

The thing you don't know now is what he is doing. Did he get back with his wife? Did she put some restrictions on his time away from home? Did he find another woman to have an affair with? Someone who was easier to persuade to be in a relationship with him?

Dr. L :

There are too many unanswered questions to understand why he has not come after you again.

Customer:

I felt he resented me for coming back again and again

Customer:

Yes, I know

Dr. L :

I think it is much healthier for you to be away from him.He was aggressive and frightened you. He was unpredictable. His intentions were not honest.

Customer:

I also think he has nothing new to offer... and I was very clear telling him what I wanted, even if he pretended not to listen

Dr. L :

While it is lonely and even sad to not have a man in your life, this was not a man that you could build a future with.

Customer:

yes, I know it is best this way

Dr. L :

Yes. I think he realized that the relationship would only proceed to a certain place.

Customer:

that is the sad truth: I know it is irrational to think about him

Dr. L :

I wouldn't say it is irrational. I would say that it is normal to still miss the relationship and to want to find a loving partner.

Customer:

I actually think he was trying to convince me to ask him to move in with me, but he also realized I was never going to do that

Dr. L :

He was the last person you seriously dated and so you are stuck on that memory and those feelings.

Customer:

see? I didn't trust him at all... I was always doubting his intentions

Dr. L :

Yes...there did seem to be a period where he was trying to push you to find a new home...I agree that his intentions may have been to leave his wife and live with you.

Customer:

by the way, I honestly think he wanted to get me pregnant

Customer:

and that really scared me

Dr. L :

You were right to question his intentions...he was not 100% honest.

Customer:

I felt he was trying to tie me to him

Dr. L :

Oh my. That would have been disasterous!

Dr. L :

That would make sense. He knew you would want the child to be part of a loving family...and so you would compromise in order to provide that for the child.

Dr. L :

How sick on his part.

Customer:

I don't know why but I felt that in his mind he thought that getting me pregnant was a way to make sure I was never going to go away

Customer:

believe me when I say he was very serious about this issue... he was trying to persuade me

Dr. L :

That is a pretty normal thought for most men....pregnant women don't often leave the father.

Dr. L :

I'm so glad this didn't happen.

Customer:

and I was scared out of my mind

Dr. L :

I bet you were.

Customer:

I felt that I didn't have a say about my future anymore

Dr. L :

How terrible.

Dr. L :

Yes...that would have been happened...he was very controlling and he would have had even more control had you become pregnant.

Customer:

sorry that I bother you with the same questions over and over again

Dr. L :

It's okay. You are trying to process your feelings...

Customer:

but even if you find them repetitive, I do learn something new every time

Dr. L :

No...I understand your need to talk this out...it was a very complicated relationship and it will take time to fully extract yourself from him.

Customer:

thank you, again

Customer:

I will let you go now

Dr. L :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L :

Take care.

Customer:

thanks for being there for me!

Dr. L :

Good bye for now.

Customer:

take care

Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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