How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I just found out that my girlfriend of 8 months attempted to

This answer was rated:

I just found out that my girlfriend of 8 months attempted to have sex with another man for money via craigslist. We've always had somewhat of an open relationship in the sense that were open to the possibility of sex with others, as long as we talk about it first and we both agree that its ok. When I told her that I found out, she said that she chickened out. She wasn't going to tell me, and I honestly dont even know if she was going to tell me if she did go through with it. I know she doesnt feel as strongly for me as she did for her last boyfriend, but she broke up with him because she was to afraid to tell him how much she cheated on him. It seems like she sees sex as an adventure that relationships hinder. I want things to work out between us because she has so many good qualities that I never seem to be able to find in other girls; but I'm done feeling like a tool that she can use to make herself feel better. I want to be with her but I need things to change, and I dont know how to talk to her in a way that she would understand. I feel like I'm missing the vocabulary that I need to explain myself. I guess I'm just looking for some sort of advice, I would really appreciate another persons advice.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this situation.

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX really use some advice

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is obvious from your words that even when you do not have an exclusive relationship, you have not feel comfortable neither respected once you found out about her plans to have sex with this other man, and that it seems that regardless of your initial agreement and your efforts to keep things clear and open between you, you feel used by her instead of understood, and supported, in a mutually fulfilling relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This relationship is still a young one, but you are already finding out core issues that seems to deeply undermine its potential for further growth.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are very clear about your desire and willingness to make it work, but at the same time you need to come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard you may try that, there is no way for a relationship to truly work without both partners being able and willing to play a healthy role, complying with the very core rules you have set from the very beginning. You expect honesty and openness, but she has not been doing that, and since you have agreed that this is not an exclusive relationship, she could feel more empowered and enabled to share with other men too, and her actions show that, with the problem that she is not letting you know about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have been honest, open, understanding and caring from the beginning and even when addressing this issue, I do not see how other nice words could elicit the understanding, honesty and accountability she has not been showing, which totally depend on her and not at you at all.

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX a hard time typing what I'm trying to say but all your words have hit the nail on the head

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your role is to keep being consistent showing you comply with your agreement, trying to support her to do the same, but if she chooses to continue being dishonest and go against your agreement, then I do not see how you could promote any significant improvement in your relationship, it would not work.

Customer:

I think you've given me enough so that I can at least talk to her, despite what may come of it. I guess I just needed some advice from someone with experience in this matter. thank you very much. This has definitely been money well spent. If you have any last nuggets of wisdom before I go I'd appreciate it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You'r very welcome. No problem, it is always hard to cope with relationship issues, even more if they are about trust and respect; and having to type your words requires extra effort since it demands you to become more insightful, objective and to assess your feelings, behaviours and reality, which could be tough, since they are about your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you