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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Ive been with a for 3 months and known her for 4 yrs

Resolved Question:

I've been with this girl for 3 months and known her for 4 years and I know that she is the one for me and I want to spend my life with her but we hit a bump in our relationship. Now its been 3 weeks since shes forgiven me for it but now it feels as though were not on the same level anymore I know she feels the way I do but 2 days ago she said that "she misses how things used to be between us." She also said that she can't talk to me like she use to anymore and she said that she sometimes think that I don't understand her. I do not know what to do anymore i can't talk my way out of this I don't know what to do I don't what to do anymore.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

What is the bump that has occurred in the relationship?

CoachJenK :

hi

Customer:

The bump is that I made her feel as though I did not trust her.

CoachJenK :

did those feelings come up for you because of how intensely you are feeling for her or did she behave in a way that created this mistrust?

Customer:

My feelings for her and she has never given me a reason not to trust her.

CoachJenK :

ok well that is a great place for you to start to understand it deeper. I hear that you have spoken with her but have you spoken with her from that place? Meaning it might be important to go to her and let her know that you understand why these feelings came up....that you are feeling so close and you got nervous and this caused you to feel this mistrust but not in her but in the fear of the loss

CoachJenK :

this is not uncommon in relationships when the feelings deepen

CoachJenK :

i am sure she feels that too and is the reason for the pull back since this experience

CoachJenK :

I might plan a romantic dinner and talk to her from a place of love and how you feel for her and why this mistrust came up having nothing to do with her but more becuase of a fear of losing such a great person.

Customer:

I don't how to talk to her because every time we talk to each other I get nervous and nothing I say comes the way I want it to.

Customer:

Also she says that the relationship feels weird now.

CoachJenK :

I appreciate your openness about that...that is also part of your charm that you get nervous and you might want to tell her how you feel nervous all stemming from how much you feel for her. The more open you are the more likely she embraces you and that display of emotion from you.

CoachJenK :

it feels weird because she feels mistrusted which is why it is important for you to tell her you understand now how it has nothing to do with her but based in your fears of losing the relationship.

Customer:

Well she usually she messages me and I can't get in touch until messages me. I don't know if she is ready see me yet because she said that she needed her space.

CoachJenK :

ok so give her a little room and when she messages you let her know you will give her some space, but you are there with her and want to do what you can to move through this bump. All relationships have bumps and it is how we move through them that gets us to the next deeper level.

Customer:

So how should I show her that I will try my best not to let this issue happen again because we've been threw countless problems and she told me that she dosen't want 4 years to be wasted but the our relationship is now it feels as though its weakening.

CoachJenK :

I think the best way is to let her know why these feelings came up for you and you will work hard to be open with her about how you feel rather than move to mistrusting her.

CoachJenK :

Trust yourself and her and you are doing fine expressing yourself and i know you can with her too

Customer:

Okay do you think that I should start being myself more. Also should just spontaneously pop up at her home at show her.

CoachJenK :

be yourself and who she loves you to be...remind her of the guy she knows you to be. Maybe not show up yet but be the guy she has enjoyed and wants to be with.

Customer:

Okay well I have a lot of making up to do thank you very much.

CoachJenK :

my pleasure. go easy on yourself. you havent done anything wrong...you are just feeling strongly and it kicked up some fears of loss.

CoachJenK :

come back anytime.

CoachJenK :

please take a moment to offer a rating of my support.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
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