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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im married, met up with an old high school crush, who has

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I'm married, met up with an old high school crush, who has a girlfriend, things ended up getting physical with he and I, we'd meet up around every 3-4 weeks and engage in sometimes lengthy passionate sex, and other times quickies, at one time I would meet up with him and just talk I'd asked him repeatedly to just be straight with me about whether he wanted our hook ups to end, and how I didn't want to be played and we both agreed to be honest with each other about that stuff, , then it went back to sex hook ups, primarily since we were both in relationships, it's now 6 years later, this has been ongoing...the last time I saw him was 2 months ago, I found out a few weeks after our meeting up, that he had gotten married the very next day. I felt shocked, betrayed, and disgusted that he couldn't be honest with me about that. I decided to back off, a few weeks ago he starts texting me that he wants me, and wants to hook up...he is not aware that I know he got married. Why would he try and contact me after a month of getting married, where can this possibly go at this point?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know how shocked you feel about this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your story it seems your agreement was to be honest with each other, that you would continue in your own relationships-marriage while having a sexual-affair, but he was not truly honest when he decided to hide from you that he was getting married with his girlfriend, right?

shanaliui : Right
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems that nothing has changed for him since he is still contacting you as for the past six years, but you feel betrayed because of him not telling you about his marriage. Did you fear he was going to change in your relationship because of his marriage? It seems everything would be the same, since you were just together a few weeks before he got married and now after a short period he is wanting to be with you as before.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The consistent action would be to confront his behavior, the fact that he betrayed your trust when not telling you bout it, and see what he has to say about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then depending on your needs and expectations about this relationship, you would assess if this is what you still want or not.

shanaliui : So confrontation is the suggestion...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Whenever a person does something that appears unacceptable, dishonest, abusive or inconsistent, confronting such behavior is always the best approach, otherwise you would be codependently enabling the very behavior you feel was wrong and inconsistent with your agreement.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to be very clear about what you want from him, and dialogue with him about it, to see if he continues to meet you with his own expectations, as it seems to be the case, and if you feel his reasons for hiding it from you are good for you, then you would choose from there if what you want is to continue or not with your relationship.

shanaliui : I can't understand why it bothers me so much if this was just casual hook ups....
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, as you said, you have been having a sexual affair for this long, while each having a spouse-partner, and you did not mention that your plan was to leave your partners in order to be together with time, in an exclusive relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then your reaction could show you have been fueling the expectation this affair could evolve into something else? If that is the case, you need to bring yourself back to reality and remind yourself of your agreement, and if you still feel comfortable with it and willing to afford what it takes you would continue, otherwise you would end it.

shanaliui : Got it..thanks for the advice
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach