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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am new to on-line dating and 3 weeks ago I started chatting

Resolved Question:

I am new to on-line dating and 3 weeks ago I started chatting with a very nice man on the site. We messaged each other and have shared photos (no nudes) for about the first two weeks and everything seemed like it was going well. He has been nothing but respectful and truly seemed to take a genuine interest in me, just like I have in him.
When I finally asked if he wanted to meet me, he seemed to get very excited even though we had to wait for the date to happen because of conflicting work schedules.
We met for coffee and then went to dinner and it went quite well as we have quite a few interests in common but not everything, so there was never any lull in the conversation. Towards the end of dinner he asked me out on another date later on in the week, as he had plans out of town for the weekend. After dinner he gave me a very tight (pulling me very close to him) and long hug (like he didn't want to let go), but no kiss. I thought both of these were positive signs that he has a genuine interest in me.
I was always told to never call or message the very next day after a date, so I waited a couple of days and sent him a short and sweet message thanking him and about how I had really enjoyed the date we had and I hoped he was having a good weekend. I didn't really expect a reply back as he was out of town but, I also didn't see any harm in saying hi either.
He has since come back form his trip and I have noticed that his messages to me have changed, like he is pulling back, he has also been on the dating site more frequently than when we were chatting and getting to know each other. Our second date is only 2 days away and he has not mentioned it again so I don't even know if it is still on.
I have been extremely unlucky in the past when it has come to dating, so I can be a bit sensitive at times.
I am unsure how to approach this situation because of the on-line dating, I have no idea if he is talking to other women or how many for that matter.
I am also very confused as to why he is suddenly pulling away after the positive signals on the first date, or is this just my imagination?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about the unfortunate experiences you had before around dating and the present challenge you face.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see anything wrong in the way you have shared with this person, but you just happened to met him, and what you know is only what you see, what he shows through his behaviors, which could be more or less real depending on how honest and assertive he happens to be.

Customer:

Hi, that's part of my confusion about this. Am I just being "sensitive" because I have had bad luck before and am over- anylizing this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times, if after a first date a person decreases the level of sharing, motivation and excitement, like he has shown through his behavior, it would not be a good sign at all, since on the other hand he has actually increased his activity at the dating website, what obviously tells you that he is still looking for other women for dating.

Customer:

that's true and that is what my intuition is telling me. why would he give those positive signs in the first place though, like asking me out on another date and the hug.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think you are misleading yourself here at all. I think we all react more or less strongly depending on past experiences, but his behaviors do show he is not focusing on you but actively looking for other women.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person does that it does not mean he respects and cares about you and wants to fulfil you, but mostly that wants to keep you attached and see what he could get from it. The only way you could know about the real sensitivity, maturity and assertiveness, honesty of this person is by assessing hi concrete behaviors, which are not that good by now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times when a person is interested, reduces or stops looking for - activity at these websites and focus on the person he chosen, but he's not doing that at all, he has increased his activity there and reduced sharing with you, and that is not your imagination but reality.

Customer:

So basically it sounds like he is leading me on?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I would do in your shoes is to be very careful, realistic and cautious here. Let's see is he complies with the new date he scheduled and what he shows and says about these past days and his activity in the website. Remember, focus on his behaviors, and honestly assess how well this person seems to be able and willing to work with you on building a relationship the way you need, wish and deserve.If he doesn't, then better not to waste time.

Customer:

When we were talking all the time and even after the date, he was barely on the site. When I messaged him a few days later was when he became a lot more active on it again. Was me not getting ahold of him the very next possibly what turned him off and caused him to pull away?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

People read in books and websites, and hear from friends, to do this and that, not to be honest but avoidant and more, but I never suggest anybody to play games like that if what you expect is to find a good match and develop something worthy, healthy and truly fulfilling, for that to happen, you need to be yourself, real, open, honest and see if the other person is truly compatible at multiple levels, able and willing to explore with real respect, sensitivity and responsibility, instead of playing dating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not torment yourself with such type of speculations. If a person truly cares and is interested, he would never get away after two days like that, but get closer, taking initiatives since truly wanting to have a chance to develop something real with you. Thus if a person is like that, so volatile, he does not deserve you and would not be a good potential boyfriend-partner at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Those people who get "turned off" that easily, would get off an don with women as the weather changes, depending on convenience, on what they could get from them, and I do not suggest people to look for that type of people unless they were willing to afford it, like many people do want to attach to their expectations and project them because they like how the other person looks, his success, how good sex they have or for any other reason but for any good reason essential for healthy and fulfilling adult relationships.

Customer:

I am honestly not trying to play games with him and didn't think waiting a couple of days would be considered in that way. I have been very respectful since the beginning. If that is all it took to make him pull away then you are probably right in that I should just move on and find someone else.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do truly think that you have been this honest and willing to do your best around this person, on the other hand I do not see him doing the same, but showing concrete red flags this early, which do not use to lead to anything fulfilling or mature around relationships.

Customer:

Thanks for the advice

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could work for many people who are much more interested in getting the other person anyway because of finances, sex, looks or for any other reason but the ones necessary to build a healthy and fulfilling adult long term relationship, which does take time and work. You never know, you need to explore and share, and time would tell, but if from the beginning behaviors incompatible with that arise, then it could be a waste of time for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please take gentle care and feel confident you are doing the right thing by being this assertive. Do not expect anything less than what you have to offer and deserve as a whole human being in adult relationships-dating.

Customer:

I appreciate your taking the time to chat with me on this, I feel I have gotten more honest advice from you than what I have gotten from my friends about this so far

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would find good people, but that does not mean t would necessarily work for dating or romantic relationships, but from those good people, you would find those who do have what you need and deserve, and those are the ones who would require your time and attention, to explore, learn and grow, and time would show you how well a person truly fulfils you and has what it takes to build the reality you want with a life partner.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to know it's been this helpful. Feel confident about yourself and the ways you do things around dating, always mindful about what you learned from previous experience, but open and willing to explore and learn from new people you meet, being cautions and proactive at the same time.

Customer:

Thanks again for your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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