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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Husband is a diagnosed love/sex addict. we were living separately

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Husband is a diagnosed love/sex addict. we were living separately for 3 years to work on ourselves and our marriage. He went to treatment for sex addiction over a year ago. We have been to 2 marriage intensives, dates, and made some progress. However, I found out he has been in an affair with a coworker he travels with for work. Since my confronting him about it, he has had no response to me at all. He has not stated he wants a divorce, but he spends all his time with affair partner. My question is what is he doing. Why is he ignoring the situation , and also not persuing a divorce. Until I found out, he was stating he loved me and missed me and always will, but that we could not be together now because I had a lot of work to do on myself. WHat is going on. Does he realize he has relapsed? This is his 7th affair that I know of. Is he just keeping me in case things don't work out, or does he know on some level he has relapsed, violating his own morals, and truly loves me. HELP!
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

He has not made a serious effort to make a choice between you and his affairs. You enable him and in a sense allow him to do this by giving him chance after chance.

What is your cutoff point? When do you reach your limit? If your forgiveness is limitless, then his betrayals will also never cease until nobody else wants him, and by that point you may not either.

He is stealing your life and your happiness. He is either willfully deceitful or pathetically beyond help. I believe he just like to have a variety of sexual partners and in this case, a romantic partner.

I strongly urge considering changing your separation into a permanent one. Why does HE have to initiate it? He has been taking the lead on doing what he wants to do for himself, and perhaps it is time for you to choose what is best for you.

It doesn't sound like true love to me. Action speaks louder than words and he is not treating you as his precious love - which is what you deserve and should seek.

I shall keep you in my prayers for wisdom, courage and strength.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC


Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
May God bless you and give you strength and courage - and success.

Elliott
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


Is there any chance with all of his therapy he will realize he has relapsed? We have been married for 20 years. I realize I can file for divorce, I am just hoping he will realize his relapse. He is living in complete fantasy. What are the chances of their affair lasting in the real world. Traveling the world on their job's dime. And both could be fired, especially my husband due to being her superior. Is he holding on to me because he loves me and knows deep down he is sick, or is he just ignoring all of reality to remain immersed in addiction and the affair? We have been down this road before, but not since he has been to treatment. Things were not good when he began the affair, and I feel guilty for not treating him better. If he is an Addict , then and can get past the denial, can there be any hope?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Other.
Just want a second opinion
Dear friend,

He has had many opportunities to change his behavior but he does not. Is this a disorder, or just selfish choices he is making without regard to your feelings?

I believe that he is not an addict but a narcissist who does what he pleases, manipulates people, and when he victimizes people (such as yourself) he blames the victim - he blames you for "not treating him better".

I do not see much hope in this relationship, frankly, and do believe he just does what he wants, for as a narcissist is INCAPABLE of having any empathy for your pain and feelings.

Is it possible that you may be in denial about the true nature of your husband's actions and activities? I know that you are in love with him and do not want to lose him, but he is not with you and with another woman. This is a repetitive pattern.

Calling him a Sex Addict lets him off the hook and I don't believe that this is what the problem is.

You may be his backup, and he may just enjoy controlling you and having you hang on (which is typical narrcissistic behavior).

Let me recommend this book to you. You will enjoy it and learn a great deal.

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson



I wish you great success, and shall keep you in my prayers.

Elliott