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I believe that I can help.
I am so sorry that you are stuck in this situation with a man who shows no regards XXXXX XXXXX feelings.
I would not be surprised if he was similar when you lived in (I presume) the U.K. When you were there you had family and friends to distract you and now you feel isolated because you have moved to a foreign land.
I do not know the details of your husband's day to day behaviour, but the fact that he treats you so poorly, controls you, and feels absolutely no remorse or empathy for your emotional pain, leads me to think that he may suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
He certainly has important aspects of this disorder, and probably will not seek help or change his ways. A true narcissist is incapable of feeling empathy towards anyone, is very manipulative, is often well liked by others because they know how to control people in that manner, and can lie very credibly.
Here are the criteria from the psychiatric diagnostic manual, the DSM-IV for NPD:
DSM IV definition: Someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of the following characteristics:
Associated Features: Depressed Mood Dramatic or Erratic or Antisocial Personality
- has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- requires excessive admiration
- has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
- lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
- shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
What can you do?
You cannot change him. Basically you can either stay there in your dream retirement home or you can split up with him.
To learn more about this disorder let me recommend two books which you can order on line or possibly can download the eBook onto your computer. Here are the links:
You could suggest to him that you both go for family counselling, but I would imagine that he would resist. A narcissist is the perpetrator but always blames his victims as if THEY are at fault. They also do not believe that anyone else is qualified to help them.
I certainly shall keep you in my prayers and wish you great fortune in finding a happier life with or without your husband.
Life is short and should not be squandered in an unhappy relationship.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC