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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5027
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I just found out my boyfriend has been talking to several girls

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I just found out my boyfriend has been talking to several girls on an online dating website.. I know it's wrong of me but I got into his account after seeing the chatting sites (I was just too curious) and he started talking to them a week before I was supposed to move in with him, and stopped talking two days before I moved in. He flirted a lot to these women and also mentioned to a woman and I quote "Seriously, I want to talk to you and get to know you." What he said there hurt me a lot because he was serious. I confront him about it and he says he only did it for a week because he had doubts about me and about living with each other, or if he wanted to be committed to something as huge as us living together, so he wanted to test his concerns out by chatting up these girls online. All the while he was doing that, we were planning my big move in and we were planning long term goals with each other--I never noticed any signs of him not wanting me to move in. I love him so much that I want to trust him because it can be understandable with his reasons, but a part of me says he was doing this for fun only and that he is a player. This has changed the way I look at him and I have lost a lot of trust.. It's emotionally draining me because I was so shocked.. or maybe I trusted him too much. What do you think? Do you think he is being honest with me?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Your question is very evocative that there is so much behind the simple few words you write. I know how hurtful your boyfriend's behavior can be. And it is such a trust-killer, for sure.

For me to help with whether he can be believed and thus trusted, we need to know more about him. Is this the first time you've been in this situation?

Or has he done secret things, made up excuses, etc. in the past?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.


Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

We met online and we've seen been seeing each other for about two years now. His words are always so wise and he has always been there for me when I am feeling down or when things aren't right for me. He was such a good man to me and that's why I trust him a lot. We lived far apart before I moved in.. sometimes I wonder if he's doing other things online with other girls but then relationship is about trust, so I keep my negative thoughts away as much as possible--and since he's good to me as well. Also, this is the first time this has happened.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.

Thank you for the replies to the questions and the added information. It helps a lot in understanding what the situation is. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how hurt and worried you feel. And you are right. It is very hurtful because it felt like a betrayal and you're not sure if it was indeed a real betrayal. You are feeling a tremendous loss right now of your trust, the loss of your optimism.

But I sense that you know that there is another part of you that recognizes that you have to look beyond your hurt and pain. You want to give him a chance to make good on his word. And this is what I believe is the right way to be in this situation.

I don't want to minimize your pain and worry. And I don't want to minimize your anger at his actions. But you need to put the anger away now, you don't need to pretend it didn't happen, just that he is a good man and had a reason for doing this even though it was hurtful. It also doesn't mean you aren't going to be observant; you need to keep your eyes open, but you need to only keep them looking for problems in the background, not make it a big deal. Trust in this one thing: if a problem does arise, you'll have plenty of opportunity to see it; you don't have to be super vigilant.

He wants you more than he wanted other women. He's willing to show you this and he's shown you this in the past. Well, if you don't encourage him, then you are telling him to go ahead and reject you for them in the end. So even though you are hurt, I need you to realize that he has chosen you over them. He wants your trust again and he's making efforts to regain it.

Well, then, it's vital for you to encourage him to treat you well and to treat you lovingly. To appreciate it and let him know when he does it right.

Trust is not a guarantee about the future or about what is in a person's heart. Trust is a mutual agreement among people. You can't ever be certain about what anyone will do in the future or what is in their heart now. So how do you trust in someone or anyone? You have to bestow trust in them. Trust, then, is something that you decide to grant. How do you want to bestow trust?

I recommend that you do it by trying to get to the positives here: he chose YOU. Well, then, tell him how happy you are about that. Recognize he did choose you.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5027
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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