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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi there. Ive been in a relationship for a little over 2 years

Customer Question

Hi there. I've been in a relationship for a little over 2 years now. It started tumultuously: my now boyfriend was married with a 1 year old son. He started pursuing a companionship with me, first through daily phone calls (which I was initially reluctant about, but grew to welcome). He was unhappy in his marriage. Eventually, things heated up and we were engaged in a full on extramarital affair. He did eventually leave his wife for me, and he told her the reason why. The day he came to be with me, we were happy. Then, the next morning, he ran out of the house crying and repeating "I can't leave my son!". He said he needed to go back to his family. I was devastated. He promised me the world. Further, he would be able to still be with his son a few times a week. Two days later, he begged for me back. I allowed him back in. I found out I was pregnant. I was happy. One day we were talking, and he told me that his ex-wife thinks she has an STD and that it was from me. He told me I should get rid of the baby as a result. I was devastated on so many levels. An STD? I knew that couldn't be true, but I felt horrible. I went to the doctor and got tested. Everything came back negative. But, the seed was planted. I felt weird. I decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was hard, but I mostly laughed it off and bottled the pain up inside, so as to not tarnish my new relationship. A few months later, I found - to my surprise - I was pregnant again. Now, I felt I could finally follow through with the pregnancy. No STD's (his ex had a bacterial infection). But, I was extremely frustrated with my boyfriend's relationship with his ex. I knew somehow that he had wanted her back. Then, one day I couldn't take it anymore. I packed my things and move to my mom's. He called me a day later. He said he wanted me back. After some probing, I found out he had pleaded his wife's forgiveness prior to calling me, but that she said no. Now, I was pregnant, and my boyfriend only asked me back because his wife said no. I realized that all of this was for his son. He was using his wife to be with his son, and he was using me so he wouldn't have to be alone. I knew I had no other choice but to once again terminate the pregnancy. I was severely mentally unstable. Contemplation of suicide was my only relief everyday. He begged me not to get rid of the baby. I did it anyway because I couldn't trust him. Eventually, he won, and I went back to him. I was weak. Now, one year later, I am still filled with anger and resentment. He refuses to talk about any of it. He tells me I need to move on. I can't. I love him and loathe him at the same time.

Please help me. I am desperate for guidance.

Thank you so very much.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

From what you describe, it sounds like your boyfriend did use the situation with his wife and with you to try and get his own needs met. He could not decide who he wanted to be with and so not only put his wife and you in a bad situation, but probably also caused confusion to his son. During the situation, you also had to decide to end two pregnancies of your own. That is going to create a lot of trauma for you that is not easy to just move on from.

Now that you are with your boyfriend, you need to know that you have a solid relationship and that your boyfriend cares about you and what you went through with him. You had to be understanding and have a lot of patience. However, it sounds like he either is still being self centered or he does not want to deal with the consequences of what he did so he is refusing to talk to you about what you feel. That leaves you alone, dealing with the pain and trying to overcome the resentment and anger you feel towards him.

In order to deal with what you feel, he needs to pay attention to your needs and talk about your feelings. He has already taken care of himself and got what he needed in the situation. Ignoring your needs however, only causes you pain. It is unfair for him to expect you to accept his behavior while he sorts his feelings out with his wife and son but to then deny you your chance to work through what you feel.

Talk to him again and tell him that you cannot move forward with the relationship until he works this out with you. Remind him that you were patient while he sorted his needs out. Don't hold it against him, however do tell him that it is fair that you have a chance to do the same for yourself.

If he still refuses to listen, tell him that you want to see a counselor together. He may need to hear this from a neutral person and a professional what he needs to do so he accepts it. If he refuses to see a counselor with you, go on your own. You need the support while you decide what you want to do about his refusal to work with you or listen to you.

While you work with him, you can also work on your own feelings about what happened through self help. You can learn more about overcoming your resentment and working through your feelings. This will not only help your relationship, but it will allow you a clearer picture of what you need in the relationship and if you can get those needs met by your boyfriend. Here are some resources to help you get started:

http://www.sciencedaily. com/releases/2012/08/120802133649.htm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201108/maybe-you-should-be-angry

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/all/1/

Most of all, take care of yourself. You have gone through a lot to be in this relationship. You may also be mourning the loss of your two pregnancies. You could be hurting so much that you need support and the chance to be heard. Keep trying with your boyfriend and through therapy. You deserve time to heal.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate










May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,

Kate

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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
1570 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues