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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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husband (25 plus yrs) just came clean about having sex with

Customer Question

husband (25 plus yrs) just came clean about having sex with some over the phish site
and as he told me this he handed me rx from the Dr. telling me i
have to take this antibotic as apre-caution as he got infection so now
i really don't think you can get this just by a onr time thing
this is what is disturbing the most ....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

One thing I want you to do is ask questions because asking questions is part of the healing process.

Deardebra :

You found out about your husband cheating only because he contact a sexual disease. Your life just drastically changed and after 25 plus years being together you trusted him.

Deardebra :

Now you have to worry about an infection that he got and he was concerned that you would get it as well, so he gave you antibiotics for a precaution.

Deardebra :

This is not easy for you to find this out in this way. He should have never cheated because he put you at risk of a sexual transmitted disease.

Deardebra :

You are going to be going through a lot of different emotions.

Deardebra :

You might feel disappointed, angry, upset, sad, hurt, confused, and some times people blame themselves. Because some times people turn things around because they do not want to admit blame.

Deardebra :

But your husband is the one that did what he did and you need to get a lot f answers in order to get closure to this situation.

Deardebra :

Your questions too him is how long has this been going on? Was it just one time? Why did you cheat? Also you might want to ask how he could do something so hurtful too you and put your health at risk?

Deardebra :

You want to ask if he used protection. Even in oral sex protection should be used there are disease that can be contact as well.

Deardebra :

Now what you are dealing with is if you want to stay in this relationship and work things out or do you want to move on.

Deardebra :

People can fix there marriage and people can learn never to cheat again on their spouse. Often times people learn not to do these things out of fear they will lose the one they love their spouse. I am sure he is very concerned how you are going to react.

Deardebra :

Him jumping in the car is him wanting to explain things too you, he does not want you to not know what happened and I am sure he is trying really hard to save his marriage.

Deardebra :

He knows he made a mistake.

Deardebra :

If you decide that you can not forgive what he has done then you want to sit down and talk about what you feel is best for you.

Deardebra :

If you decide to stay you wan to tell him straight out that this is never going to happen again.

Deardebra :

He needs to begin to fix this marriage and help you understand why he cheated.

Deardebra :

Some times people get confused and do not realize what their actions can do and how it will effect the person they love.

JACUSTOMER-gtcf6w07- :

as said i'm more distrubed by the ques of him doing this more than one time

JACUSTOMER-gtcf6w07- :

and that if i forgive he will do it agian this is has felt like heavy wieght just punched me

Deardebra :

So you know that this has happened more than one time. Have you asked him if you stay together will he stop?

JACUSTOMER-gtcf6w07- :

no why stay when he needs something other than me

Deardebra :

Ok, so you have made a decision to leave. Your going to experience a lot of emotions and you need to talk with him so that you can understand why this happened.

Deardebra :

Once you feel that your husband has answered all your questions, you want to tell him that you need space and time for yourself.

Deardebra :

You want to have a support system with friends who you can talk with and be there for you to get through this speration.

Deardebra :

*separation

Deardebra :

It is important to keep busy so that you can heal and move forward with your life.

Deardebra :

You want to be prepared for him trying to keep you to stay and try to talk too you. He will say things like this will never happen again, that he loves you, he might ask for a second chance to save the marriage. You want to tell him right out how you feel so that he knows what your decision is going to be.

Deardebra :

One thing that also helps understand your emotions is to write them down in a journal. It helps to let those emotions out.

Deardebra :

You trusted your husband and that is why you are having that feelings that a heavy weight just punched you. You are experiencing very normal emotions.

Deardebra :

You want to ask the same question too him as you asked me tell him that you are disturbed by the fact that he did this more than one time and get the answer you need.

Deardebra :

You do not want to keep wondering why he did this, you want to be able to move forward.

Deardebra :

He needs to answer all your questions because you deserve answers.

Deardebra :

He needs to understand how you feel.

Deardebra :

Tell him straight out that you feel like a heavy weight feels like it just punched you. Let him know that he hurt you more than you can even describe. Explain to him that his actions is something he can never take back.

Deardebra :

Tell him that his actions is something you know have to deal with and it was unfair to do that too you.

Deardebra :

Be expressive to let him know that this was a big mistake.

Deardebra :

It is important that you get your emotions out.

Deardebra :

I am here if you have anymore questions. Thank you again for your question.

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