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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5107
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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My gf of about 4 years recently broke up with me. It was just

Customer Question

My gf of about 4 years recently broke up with me. It was just over 2 weeks ago. It came out of nowhere. We weren't fighting or anything. She told me that she didn't see a future with us. I told her my feelings of I felt quite the opposite, in fact was planning on making a situation in the near distant future to have eachother in our lives forever. She said she wasn't happy. I told her that since this is all new to me that at least give me a shot to respond and be more contentious and be there for her. She said doubt started a couple months ago, which she was also going through a lot of extremely stressful situations at the time, not relating to our relationship. I was more than supportive of her at that time. She said she came to the point where she thought she should do it just a couple days earlier. Her family and friends really do love me. Everyone is very surprised and in about as much shock as me. In short, it came out of nowhere. She explained we can talk at a later day. She was explaining about her age now and that she feels like she's moving in a certain direction. BotXXXXX XXXXXne is that she's my best friend and love of my life, I know that there's been a lot of crazy things going on lately (nothing to do with me) that could have emotionally drained her. I held to the no contact and she contacted me to arrange a time in a few days to talk because she knew there were things we needed to talk about. In a neutral, but not unfriendly response, agreed. We haven't met yet.
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 12 months ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a caring and loving boyfriend and you've been attentive and sensitive to what she's been going through. She explains her change of heart and thinking because of unhappiness, but doesn't have specific things about the relationship or your behavior that she has pointed to as causing this change of feeling. Therefore, you're attributing it to all the stress and changes in her life outside of the relationship as having destabilized her emotionally and so she's pulled out. And so you're giving her lots of room to get back to a stable feeling and come back to the relationship.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. I am concerned for you in one area: that you're not having any communication with her at all. I know that is what the person who pulls out of a relationship always asks for. But I've seen too often that this creates a new "normal" for that person. They get used to not being involved in the relationship and the pulling out becomes more the reality.

My concern is that this leaves you in no man's land: you're not in a relationship and you're not on your own. I recommend that you come up with some follow through after this neutral-place meeting. What might be a non-threatening way for the two of you to keep in touch with each other to share insights and thoughts and to further the learning process.

This is a growth process for sure. You two had to go through this process to get to any true "forever" relationship; this she somehow sensed in herself. And so now you're going through it. That is the best attitude to have at the meeting.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 12 months ago.

I understand, and thank you. What are the good "follow throughs"? I do want to protect myself and not be stuck into thinking it's ok that I'm just a friend.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 12 months ago.
You're not ready to set a time frame for yourself and I don't want to try to hurry you into that. Follow through, though, refers to communicating by email (unless you two like to text long texts) on a weekly or twice weekly basis, for example, what's up with you/her and what she/you've been thinking about love, the two of you, etc.


You want to feel as though it's something on the front burner and not be left sitting wondering whether anything is happening or not. That's a terrible feeling after a little while. And it's hard to change that dynamic midstream. It's much easier to set the rules for that follow through from the start so you know in the coming weeks and months what's going on and you can make your own life decisions.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5107
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.


We agreed to plan to meet and talk today. My idea was to take a walk in a park. Good idea?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
Yes. That is an excellent idea. I hope the park has benches to sit every so often. But, make a point to not sit in one place for the whole discussion. Moving every so often can help in freshening the discussion.


All the very best to you,

Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

If she "just wants to be friends" does that ruin everything and any hopes for the future?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
It's certainly not what you want. And you have to decide if it's even of any interest to you. For you to want to be friends in order that she change her mind is a risky proposition. It doesn't necessarily happen. And that can be painful.


But it might be okay while you make your own plans for yourself.


All the very best,


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

She's staying with not being together... that is what I expected. It's been 3+ weeks and sticking to her decision. The reasoning was, eventhough I know she still deeply cares about me and part of her doesn't want to be done, she's felt like she tried so hard to hold us together for a while and compromised not holding hands, etc other things that she felt like she really needed and then hit a burned out phase. She agreed there were some things she could have done differently too and it wasn't just my fault or anything like that. She put so much into the relationship and didn't feel like she was getting a full return. We agreed we both need to do our own thing and I understand that those things are something I will improve on and never take a relationship for granted ever again. She truly saw my honesty in that. We agreed that it's done but we're open to the idea if it's meant to be, we'd be open to being together in the future. We're both going to give respective space but agreed to be 100% honest with eachother if we feel like we'd like to try again. We'd like to not completely lock the door on us but move on for now anyway.. We'd rather not get back together right now, just to try to fix it now and not have it work but rather give more time to figure out ourselves and maybe down the road... if it's possible.. It was a very honest and emotional conversation. Advice?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
Yes: follow everything you said. It was a remarkable piece of writing. I think you should copy it and paste it on paper and put it in your wallet, etc. to keep in mind all the time. I couldn't have said anything more eloquent. You just need to maintain that commitment to all that honesty, self learning, and growth you got to with that discussion with her. It was truly important and wonderful. Again, stay with it. Keep trying to work on yourself not to take the other person for granted and to be honest, whether it will be with her in the future or with another woman.


All the very best,


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

It's been a week since we talked. I simply sent her a text that she's welcome to join me at church at a certain time. If she wanted to she can meet me there. She replied saying she'd like that but it would be too hard for her to be there with me.. We can re-visit the idea in a couple weeks she said. I just said I'll prey for her..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
That about sums it up, it seems: it's up to you to decide what you want in your life; she's not going to make it easy by being definite. And you have to accept that and pray for yourself as well to know what's in your heart and to follow it.


All the best,


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 11 months ago.


Since my last post to you she's reached out to me and we are going to church together and getting dinner after (her idea) but she also wants me to bring her stuff that was at my house to her place and from there we will walk to church.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
Hi, It's good to hear from you!


This is not a negative development, per se. That she wants to have her stuff completely "in her own domain" is a symbolic statement to herself in psychodynamic terms: she wants to start the relationship over, completely from a new position.


I recommend very strongly that you show a positive attitude toward that feeling. Let her know that you are seeing her taking her stuff as a way of saying that the two of you are recognizing you've learned a lot, you've become different people, and you're looking at each other as new and getting to know each other that way. That this is exciting.



And thus, going to church together is exciting to you. So, this is a great opportunity to focus on the positive and make these actions ones of positive intention and not ones that are threatening, disappointing, etc. That will certainly further you getting closer to where you want to go.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 11 months ago.


I have a feeling she's doing this to be friends and sort of have her cake and eat it too. I want her back as my girlfriend and through all this realize I still do. It's not a fact of simply missing her or being lonely. Do I only talk about this if she brings it up?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
Give it a couple of times together before you bring it up. But don't let it get more than a couple of times. Because then it can become "insitutionalized", so to speak. And that will be too painful for you.


I've seen this happen too many times: you become more and more afraid that she'll say no if you bring up your own desires for the relationship and you'll lose her completely. At least this way, you figure, you have a chance.


But this is not a winning calculation. If a woman has already decided that she doesn't want a romantic relationship, it doesn't happen hardly ever that she slowly realizes she does. It's more effective to actually let her know your feelings. So not this time, perhaps, but next time do so.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5107
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this. I appreciate your positive rating and thank you so much for the bonus as well. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Since that day we've hung out a couple times to talk, catch up, etc. We did end up kissing on that day. Not sure how that really happened but it did. We've ran into eachother randomly downtown a couple times in the last few days. We've said "i love you" to eachother but she not willing, at least now to get back together. She admitted she's confused. The thing that ended it was our romance died after a couple years but I've told her I can easily do that again based on not taking her for granted. I've always pictured marrying her one day..soon and I should have taken care of her in the now. She said if we did get back it would have to be "organic" and we can't rush into anything. Her b-day party is tonight, which I won't go to and she understands. I did put a b-day card in the mail for her though..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 10 months ago.
Hi. I'm sorry that I was away yesterday and missed answering for her birthday.


It sounds as though she's trying to see if you're really being truthful with yourself about not taking her for granted and so whether she should give a relationship with you another chance. There is no way to prove this to her short term. It is a matter of doing things that help you recognize and remember that relationships are like flowering plants that you have to keep nurturing all the time or they die. Not like our favorite teams that are always just there, sometimes more satisfying, sometimes less, but always there when we want them.


So, if she's romantic, which most women are, it's never a wrong time to send some roses and send a note with them that you wanted to make her birthday last a little longer, so happy birthday again. Sending her a card was very nice. So, if you want, you can wait on the flowers for the weekend to wish her a nice weekend, for example.


Little things that make her know you are being creative for her sake, that you are thinking about her and that thinking about her makes you happy enough or caring enough to do something small right then is always appreciated by most women. It is what not being taken for granted is about. So, sending a nice web picture in an email or text, or flowers, or a dinner once in a while with some things you've thought of to talk about is always a way to win her heart!



I wish you the very best.


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 10 months ago.
When she got my card on her birthday, she texted me saying Thank You So much it was a great thoughtful surprise... I offered to treat her sometime to lunch or dinner for it. She replied to thinking that would be great and dinner sounded nice. I'm taking her to dinner tomorrow night. How much do I hold back from telling her how I still feel or do I play all my cards close and just simply listen?
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 10 months ago.
Excellent!


Don't overwhelm her. Court her. Woo her. These are old words; they mean to win her heart. Get used to it:


She is the kind of person who will want this kind of attention and importance placed in the relationship throughout your lifetimes. That's what makes great relationships: when the two people are paying attention and not taking things for granted.


So, win her over and let your enjoyment and your compliments and your attention show her what your intentions and desires are. If at some point it seems appropriate, you can make one statement about how deeply you feel good with her in your life and want more connection. But let your actions speak the most, okay?


This is very exciting and enjoy the evening.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 10 months ago.


Bring flowers when I come to pick her up or too much?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 10 months ago.
Good question. It's a close call. My sense is to not bring flowers this time, to let it be a little slower. But it's a close one!


All the best,

Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 9 months ago.


Dinner went well and she was very appreciative. She said it was very amazing and nice but unneccessary. Still in the same boat. She understands and knows the risk of breaking up that I could move on and meet someone else. That's a risk she had to take but in the meantime she really wants to focus on herself with her new job and being selfish and doing things for only her. She still loves me and hopes we do work out but just isn't ready still. The next two days I randomly run into her again around town during the day. Pretty odd or maybe fate. A few more days pass and she calls me and is overwhelmed and said she misses me a lot but still is in the same boat. We agree to do something yesterday on our what-would-be-anniversary. We grabbed some late night ice cream and she mentioned she'd prefer us to not talk about our situation. Inevitably we did a little bit. Again, she'd like to be 100% sure before she agrees to try a new relationship with us. Doesn't want either of us to have huge hopes for it but agrees both of us would like it to happen. Again, she's just not ready.. I gave her some flowers at the end of the night. Probably won't speak to her for a couple weeks..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 9 months ago.
The real question at this juncture is not about her but about you:


Are you okay with this slow process that has no guarantee of success?


Or are you tired and want to move on in your life?


I'll wait for your reply then we'll go on.


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 9 months ago.


I truly love her and it's clear that I have the patience to wait...not forever...but it's worth it for potentially a life-long happiness with her. I strongly think if we make it through this, we can make it through anything. If I didn't really love her and believe there is unfinished business I would have quit a while ago. My motto, which she knows, is that I am "letting go but not giving up" which I think she appreciates. From yesterdays convo, it's clear that there is no "putting the friendship card" on anything or hoping for just a plutomic relationship. So, yes, I am Ok with the slow process. I'd rather wait a little uncomfortably for her and probably have it work then quit, start from scratch with someone else I don't know and haven't gone through stuff with. I am emotionally "tired" but I don't want to move on.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 9 months ago.
Then here's the required stance on your part:


You have to be strong within yourself. That means you have to project to her your conviction that you're not sure of the outcome, that you're not being full of yourself that you "know" that she'll realize how great you are. Rather,


You have to project that you are confident in things turning out as they should. That you trust her to do what's right for her and that you'll do what's good for you. And therefore you're not uptight, nervous, pressing. Rather you're in a good mood, enjoying the moment with her, willing to take it as it comes and live in the moment.


This will let her know that you're there, it will put you in the best light and show your strengths and good points, and still not put pressure on her. So, stay the course and follow your own conviction. Don't let the tiredness take over until you're no longer committed. But as long as you feel as you do, push the tiredness away and be in a good mood: It's a process you two have to go through.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 9 months ago.

I feel like I did that yesterday. For the first time in a while, I wasn't nervous at all. It was a very calm even light hearted and comfertable time together. I did say we can never be sure of any outcome in life. I said (hypothetically of course) I could get hit by a car tomorrow and die. The world could end tomorrow. Who knows. I mentioned a good thing that helped me is that I understand the relationship we had is over. In a good way. We can take that bond and happiness from the last one and hopefully have a new relationship that's stronger because we took the things we could have done better and turn the negatives into postitives. Not to give my hope up, but I honestly see her slowly wanting to come back. She admits she would like to but doesn't seem fair to do it unless she's 100% ready. Are we ever 100% ready for anything? I won't contact her and let her contact me.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 9 months ago.
Of course you're right: commitment is not being 100% sure. There is no 100% sure in life. There's only making the choice based on your best feelings about something. That's what you're doing by committing to this.


I'm really truly impressed at your attitude. And so it's a matter of her realizing that there's no neon sign from the sky that says, "this is the 100% right thing to do, sister/brother!" But you can't be the one who tells her this; you have to be the one who waits for her to realize what you've learned:


Commitment is a choice you make to bestow your efforts into the other person. That's what you're doing and I'm impressed.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I'm feeling more emotionally panicked than ever. Not surprisingly, nothing has changed and I feel like I'm losing her. It could all be in my head. But in the last few weeks we've talked a few times and hung out a few times. She won't allow me to be to physical (hold hands, etc). This weekend I got to see her brother and sister at a party where we were at. I had a good conversation with her brother and quickly exchanged pleasantries with her sister. They were happy to see me. My ex-gf and I barely spoke. I have a feeling between me talking to her brother and talking to other people like girls at the party, pissed her off. I'm not totally sure though. I didn't get to say good-bye when they left. I haven't heard from her since then. I could see her not liking how much I talked about her to her brother but it was in conversation. I just mentioned how much I love his sister. Also, eventhough I'm simply friends with some other girls at the party I do know it probably made her a little angry that I was paying so much attention and vice versa with others. At the party when I tried talking to her she wasn't very receptive.. :-(

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.

Hi. I'm so sorry this is going in this direction. It must be so frustrating as well as hurtful. I wish it seemed as easy as you having done something wrong, but from your description (thank you for being clear and complete), it sounds like you were acting pretty normal.

 

 

 

I'm more concerned now about your getting too frustrated with this scenario you're in. That you're worried about such fine tuning of your behavior indicates that it's gotten to the stage where she's just not responsive. You can't keep walking on eggshells worrying about if you do talk to someone or you don't talk to someone how she's going to react. That's not doable for a long period of time without driving yourself nuts.

 

 

So, I'm concerned. It's really now a question of how long you want to give this before you say you've had enough. Because it seems like she's content to let things stay as they are for a long time. I wish it wasn't like that, but it seems that it is.

 

 

Whichever way you want to proceed, I'll support it because you've tried very hard to make it work and to rekindle it. But you need to make yourself your first priority because you're important too.

 

 

Okay, I wish you the very best!

 

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I totally understand. That makes sense. In the meantime, it's been since Saturday I've even seen her or talked to her (at that party). I really don't know how she's feeling or anything. Is it ok or a bad idea to send a simple text today to say hello and let her know I wanted to say hi?....

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
You know, at this point--with her being so standoffish and sending such mixed signals--I really think it's only fair to you for you to do what you need to do in order to get your bearings.


I am more concerned about your feelings not getting hurt too much than about her being put out by your sending what is a normal text. Because you are proposing a normal activity: texting a hello and seeing what response you get.


So, if she's put out by that, then you have important information. And if she responds nicely, well...then you're back to where you were before the party.


I wish you the very best!

 

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Ok. thanks. What about the issue of timing? Meaning does it matter with effectiveness or response whether I do it now, tomorrow or next week?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
I truly and honestly cannot imagine that it would matter much one way or the other. It's Wednesday today.


But I guess if you asked me to try to fine tune it with you like in a microscope, then probably waiting till tomorrow would be better by a fraction of an inch.


Waiting till next week might be even better. But I care more about you right now and I would think you would have a rough weekend if you hadn't taken some kind of action. And she's so standoffish, I don't know that it matters that much. But that's my honest opinion here...


I wish you the very best!

 

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Ok. Is there something suggested to say? Just "Hey, I hope your week is going well and wanted to say hi" ?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
How about: "I'm so miserable without you, I can't take living without you. Let's spend the weekend together"?


Okay...then, "Hey, I hope your week is going well and wanted to say hi".


Hope that made you smile.


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Dr. Mark- I broke down and had to text her today. I just said Hello __, I just wanted to say hello and hope you're having a nice week. After an hour or so she replied nicely saying Hello __, Thank you :) I hope you're having a nice week too. My question is should I meantion something about opening the opportunity to see eachother soon or not at all and leave it?


 

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
No, go ahead and follow it up. You'll always kick yourself if you don't. I can't say it any more straightforward than this: you'll have a better weekend if you follow up with hoping we can see each other soon.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX


Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Eventhough you say that my gut says it may be premature or backfire.. I don't know why... Maybe if she replies again... Before you wrote me back I simply just sent a pic of my dog saying hello. So, we'll see..... :(

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
I just came online and so see your reply now. I wish it was easier. But you have to accept that you can only control your own self, you can't control anyone else. And so you have to just see what she's really all about and what she wants for herself. I hope it will match what you want.


All the best,


Dr. Mark


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I feel like maybe it would only benefit me and also be the best thing to do to actually get her to come back is just stop contacting her. She needs to maybe wonder, worry and miss me. I'll only speak to her if she texts me and I won't be so "available" In the meantime I'll do me. By now I know you know what I want/hope for so do you think this is the best idea?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
I don't think it will bother her if you don't contact her. It might actually help her clarify things. But I don't know that it will motivate her, which is what you hope from it. You will find out, though.


My main fear is that you will get to anxious and feel like you're making a mistake and then give up on the strategy. And you'll think you need to contact her to let her know how you feel, or something similar. The opposite of this strategy.


But if you do, then you do. I think it's okay to do that.


All the best,


Dr. Mark


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

It's been 4 months today..


I haven't seen or heard from her in a while. I've kept my distance and haven't reached out to her. It's been a couple weeks. I assume you think it's good I haven't contacted her or anything. Would you agree reaching out to her wouldn't provide anything good. I have no idea what she's going through or anything. Thoughts at this point in time?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
Hi. My thoughts at this time are that she is moving on with her life based on her needs as she told you she would. And her needs don't include you. You are feeling as though if you do or say the right thing, that will change her view of her needs to include you. I haven't seen that happen. When a person says she (or he) need to distance for themselves because of themselves, it is not your actions that will sway them after they move on.


But I myself feel I need to ask you to please give a positive rating again and we can continue. This is both to respect my time as a professional and also to protect my standing with the site. So if you could give a positive rating I would be grateful and we can continue on with your thoughts about this situation of how you want to proceed; whether you still believe that if you say the right thing to her, it will make her decide to come back to you.


All the best,


Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5107
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


Ok. I did the rating so we can continue to talk. Please let me know more about what you think.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
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Customer: replied 8 months ago.

My worry about reaching out to her would be to either not tell me anything or worse push her away more and backfire. In other words, isn't it possible that committing to No Contact, at least now, will create more mystery and maybe longing for me? In other words, coming off needy is more likely perceived if I reach out to her verses seeming like she's losing me altogether? Besides, I was the last one to initiate contact via text a week or so ago. It was just saying hello and hoping her week was good... We have never gone more than a couple weeks without speaking so this is what she maybe needs in order to clear confusion. I'm sure she knows still how I feel so I don't know how reaching out to her helps and only gives her more power..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
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Customer: replied 8 months ago.

That answers my question, thanks. I have more to gain with No Contact. I hope God's plan is for me to be with her and if it is, it will happen.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.
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