Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.
I do not think it is a coincidence that she has changed her online signature and picture after yo changed your picture.
Hello, thank you for joining the chat.
It's sad and frustrating but you know from experience during the past 2 years, that this has been a pattern where she ended up using words and feelings in ways to get you back, but perpetuated the same dysfunctional patterns over and over again, what led you to finally decided to move on.
It is similar to what my friend told me. However, in the past I would cave in and return immediately when she expressed her desire to reconcile. I feel as if she never had opportunity to miss me and realise what she had. To some extent, I left because I had enough but also hoping that my absence will make her think and force things to come to her head.
I do not see how this time it could be different. I'd not suggest anybody in your shoes to fall into the same vicious circle again. If she really cares about you and the relationship, and is willing to work on her personal issues leading to the relationship problems you had,then she would take consistent action right away, and make these changes happen. But if this happen, it will take time, real effort and depending on the seriousness of these issues, professional counseling support could be necessary too.
Now you know from painful experiences that your hopes did not match reality, that it did not work in that way at all, but it could have been enabling even worse patterns.
Unless she takes real and full responsibility for her actions and commits to work on herself, to make real changes, it would be unrealistic and sabotaging to expect or trust the relationship would heal and be fine.
How could her silence be understood? One friend of mine told me that it is better that she is not contacting as it indicates she is thinking. But then, after lot of long discussions we had lately I am worried she might also think it is not working and end it once and for all
When a person really values something, cares and even has respect for another person, she would reflect on her wrong doings and work on changing. But if instead she perpetuates the same mistakes, that would show a manipulative tendency, disregard for your feelings and willingness to keep getting as much as she can while remaining the same or getting worse, once she knows from experience you would always come back.
That could happen too for sure, and you would need to be ready to afford it too, unless you were willing to get back to the same pattern no matter what.
I am determined not to get into same pattern we had previously. Honestly, if she would return she'd have to prove me seriously that she changed. The thing is, I love this girl and we are compatible on many levels. Just, she is stubborn and often views suggestions of other people as attempt to force her decision. I invested lot in this relationship and right now dont know whether it makes sense to abandon everything and move on or would it be better to wait a bit longer in hope she will miss me and then maybe change her behaviour
Only time would tell you if she changes or not, and it both of you get to make it work together, but what you know now, is that this is not an isolated episode but a pattern, that you feel you love this person, but that this has not been a "healthy love", once it has always led to scenarios like this, and that lack of accountability, respect and manipulation have been present. If she changes, it would not happen in a week, it would take time and real effort, I'd say it would take professional counseling support,but if she does not learn from affording real life consequences and pain, I am afraid tat most people in her shoes would not change, just because they get what they want, enabled by people who end pleasing and allowing them to be the way they are.
If what you need and expect from a life long committed relationship is compatible with all these serious issues, and you are willing to afford their consequences now and in the long run, then no problem, go for it. But if that is not your case, better for you to reflect on what you truly need and want, and stick to take consistent actions very mindful about what "healthy love" requires in real life.
I know deep down that you are right. I guess normally I would back off long time ago. Its just that in the past I had relationship with person who was very shy and opened herself slowly to people. Yet, once I earned her trust she gave me some of the best years of my life. I was hoping that this situation may be similar. But it is taking too long. Just one more thing. In our last conversation she asked whether we should stay in contact. My reply was that if I ever again hear from her I hope it will be only if she wants real relationship. I also added that I feel I have to move on and that I hope if she ever gets in touch it will be before it is too late. I am now puzzled whether this leaving of open doors for reconciliation was mistake? Would it be better if I just said that this is final goodbye?
You were not sure then and are not sure even now about it, you are conflicted by your feelings, what happened in the past, and it has been affected by your hopes about her changing for better like in previous experiences with other people, fears, your attachment to your longings, the good things and more. What I use to tell people in similar circumstances is to reassess their realities, their core feelings, values, needs and expectations, being totally truthful with themselves, in that way, without denial, avoidance or justifications, you would decide what you really want and can afford or not. Some people feel they can and want to build a friendship with an ex-partner and thta works for them if the other person could do the same, while other people know they cannot do that, since would self-sabotage and get into same vicious circle like in the past. Then only you can know what you need, want and can afford, from there ,if you need to clarify something, use an email message or other means that would not expose you too much, to let her know about it, then stick to it.
If you try this and still feel confused and indecisive, then please look for individual counseling to work on yourself and for effectively coping with this tough situation.
Thanks but I already tried in the past opening communication lines with her. It resulted only in her having more control over relationship. Like I said I had enough of it and I really feel that I gave my best trying to make it work. Basically, my life was on hold for last two years while I tried to make this work. I reduced contact with friends, family etc. I will leave things the way they are. If she ever returns and wants to talk I would think about it then. But somehow I feel it is better to be alone for the moment.
I support you.
thanks for conversation
You're very welcome. Take gentle care and consistent action.