How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Three weeks ago I ended relationship of 2 years. She was taking

Resolved Question:

Three weeks ago I ended relationship of 2 years. She was taking me for granted and not willing to work on our issues despite my attempts to sort it out through conversations. It felt as if I am forced to leave and this is what I told her. She did not try to stop me, just asked whether we can stay in touch but my response was that if I ever hear from her again it should be because she is willing to build real relationship with me. There were tears on both sides but there were no nasty words or anything that would qualify it as bad breakup.

My friends tell me to give her time, that she will come back once she has enough space and realizes how good I treated her. She did so in the past when we had our first breakup. However, I am scared that this time is different as first time she initiated breakup and this time it was initiated by me.

There has been no contact since that final conversation. Last week, however, I changed my picture on messaging service that both of us use. New picture is a pic of me that I know she likes. Within couple of hours she changed her picture as well and changed her online signature. Is this coincidence? Should I move on or give it a bit more time? If so, how long would be reasonable to wait to hear from her?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think it is a coincidence that she has changed her online signature and picture after yo changed your picture.

Customer:

Hello Rafael

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, thank you for joining the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's sad and frustrating but you know from experience during the past 2 years, that this has been a pattern where she ended up using words and feelings in ways to get you back, but perpetuated the same dysfunctional patterns over and over again, what led you to finally decided to move on.

Customer:

It is similar to what my friend told me. However, in the past I would cave in and return immediately when she expressed her desire to reconcile. I feel as if she never had opportunity to miss me and realise what she had. To some extent, I left because I had enough but also hoping that my absence will make her think and force things to come to her head.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see how this time it could be different. I'd not suggest anybody in your shoes to fall into the same vicious circle again. If she really cares about you and the relationship, and is willing to work on her personal issues leading to the relationship problems you had,then she would take consistent action right away, and make these changes happen. But if this happen, it will take time, real effort and depending on the seriousness of these issues, professional counseling support could be necessary too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you know from painful experiences that your hopes did not match reality, that it did not work in that way at all, but it could have been enabling even worse patterns.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unless she takes real and full responsibility for her actions and commits to work on herself, to make real changes, it would be unrealistic and sabotaging to expect or trust the relationship would heal and be fine.

Customer:

How could her silence be understood? One friend of mine told me that it is better that she is not contacting as it indicates she is thinking. But then, after lot of long discussions we had lately I am worried she might also think it is not working and end it once and for all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person really values something, cares and even has respect for another person, she would reflect on her wrong doings and work on changing. But if instead she perpetuates the same mistakes, that would show a manipulative tendency, disregard for your feelings and willingness to keep getting as much as she can while remaining the same or getting worse, once she knows from experience you would always come back.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That could happen too for sure, and you would need to be ready to afford it too, unless you were willing to get back to the same pattern no matter what.

Customer:

I am determined not to get into same pattern we had previously. Honestly, if she would return she'd have to prove me seriously that she changed. The thing is, I love this girl and we are compatible on many levels. Just, she is stubborn and often views suggestions of other people as attempt to force her decision. I invested lot in this relationship and right now dont know whether it makes sense to abandon everything and move on or would it be better to wait a bit longer in hope she will miss me and then maybe change her behaviour

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only time would tell you if she changes or not, and it both of you get to make it work together, but what you know now, is that this is not an isolated episode but a pattern, that you feel you love this person, but that this has not been a "healthy love", once it has always led to scenarios like this, and that lack of accountability, respect and manipulation have been present. If she changes, it would not happen in a week, it would take time and real effort, I'd say it would take professional counseling support,but if she does not learn from affording real life consequences and pain, I am afraid tat most people in her shoes would not change, just because they get what they want, enabled by people who end pleasing and allowing them to be the way they are.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If what you need and expect from a life long committed relationship is compatible with all these serious issues, and you are willing to afford their consequences now and in the long run, then no problem, go for it. But if that is not your case, better for you to reflect on what you truly need and want, and stick to take consistent actions very mindful about what "healthy love" requires in real life.

Customer:

I know deep down that you are right. I guess normally I would back off long time ago. Its just that in the past I had relationship with person who was very shy and opened herself slowly to people. Yet, once I earned her trust she gave me some of the best years of my life. I was hoping that this situation may be similar. But it is taking too long. Just one more thing. In our last conversation she asked whether we should stay in contact. My reply was that if I ever again hear from her I hope it will be only if she wants real relationship. I also added that I feel I have to move on and that I hope if she ever gets in touch it will be before it is too late. I am now puzzled whether this leaving of open doors for reconciliation was mistake? Would it be better if I just said that this is final goodbye?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were not sure then and are not sure even now about it, you are conflicted by your feelings, what happened in the past, and it has been affected by your hopes about her changing for better like in previous experiences with other people, fears, your attachment to your longings, the good things and more. What I use to tell people in similar circumstances is to reassess their realities, their core feelings, values, needs and expectations, being totally truthful with themselves, in that way, without denial, avoidance or justifications, you would decide what you really want and can afford or not. Some people feel they can and want to build a friendship with an ex-partner and thta works for them if the other person could do the same, while other people know they cannot do that, since would self-sabotage and get into same vicious circle like in the past. Then only you can know what you need, want and can afford, from there ,if you need to clarify something, use an email message or other means that would not expose you too much, to let her know about it, then stick to it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you try this and still feel confused and indecisive, then please look for individual counseling to work on yourself and for effectively coping with this tough situation.

Customer:

Thanks but I already tried in the past opening communication lines with her. It resulted only in her having more control over relationship. Like I said I had enough of it and I really feel that I gave my best trying to make it work. Basically, my life was on hold for last two years while I tried to make this work. I reduced contact with friends, family etc. I will leave things the way they are. If she ever returns and wants to talk I would think about it then. But somehow I feel it is better to be alone for the moment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you.

Customer:

thanks for conversation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

:)

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency