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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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In January of 2012 I met this girl, we fell in love very fast

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In January of 2012 I met this girl, we fell in love very fast and become intimate very quick. We had a connection, almost like we were picking up where we left off from a past life or something like that. So after a few months we decide we should get married and have a child ( I know talk about a driver with a lead foot in a relationship ) but we were very comfortable with each other. We both had past loves but this one was different. We are also both 28. We're not children. So in march we find out she is pregnant and were both excited and getting things for the baby were looking at houses and apt, To me this girl is my everything and I want to make her happy and feel loved. I have done my best as a bf. while her first few months of pregnancy. I pack her lunches and go above and beyond any way I can. ( she is giving me the most amazing gift ever ;a baby ) A few months later she asks me to not come home this weekend. I work out of town and was staying with her. Driving almost 150 miles ever four days to be with her. Days pass with her Having little to no connect with me and after a week or so she tells this is not what god intended for her life, she breaks up with me over txt. Very hurt but I most continue I now have a daughter on the way :)... during the pregnancy we have little connection. I made my effort, her family insists it's hormones. I go baby shopping on my own and make monthly trips to her parents house for a little check up and to drop off things for our daughter. In November 2012 our daughter is born. We still have no verbal communication only txt messages. She holds a resentment towards me! Won't talk to me and for awhile only gave me brief visits with our daughter. Recently had to take her to court to get more time with my kid, last week she wanted to clear the air and said she was never in love just in love with the idea of marriage.


My questions are is there anyway to win her back cause i miss her very much and would love being a Full time dad and possible husband and she does know how I feel. I have told her but don't bring it up often. She calls me pathetic and sad ( which I already feel)

If no hope then how do I get her to just be civil for our daughter sake ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I ma very sorry to know about this sad and frustrating reality you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly seems like a very nice and wonderful story, but it happened that fast and was so intense that led you to truly get attached to it and your longings for a future together, with your baby and a whole life in front of you. The co issue here was, as now you know from this painful experience, not having taken enough time to know this person, her personality, core issues, fears, values and belief system, for you to better know how well your relationship would work in the long run.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No doubt you gave everything you had, truly felt what you described here and had %100 hope about your life together, based on what you were already experiencing with her, her behavior was telling you that was real and would continue to work. But, the core problem was that you did not know her good enough to prevent something like this from happening.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now what you can do about it? Her family tells you it's her hormones what are undermining her judgement and behavior, but she said it's about the timing, God's will, and her getting confused attaching to her excitement about marriage and not assessing reality during this period of time. Depression, anxiety and any other mental health disorder could happen triggered by pregnancy or after having a baby, but her family reaction does not seem to point at them being shocked by her behavior, and that's what leads me to believe there's much more you did not know about her, the way she feels, thinks, personality and issues than you imagine during the short period you were together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Her present words, feelings and concrete behaviors show she is not only experiencing lack of love towards you but disregard for your feelings, what happened, the responsibility she had in all this situation and how she is coping with it now directly impacting your daughter's well-being and future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestion is for you to fully come to terms with the fact that you have no power to change this nightmare and the way she chooses to be towards you and handles this situation. That perhaps the best approach is to avoid pushing her at all with anything related to the romance you had, and focus on how to take good care of your daughter as responsible adult parents, setting her as your number one priority.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If this is truly a hormonal imbalance problem, pregnancy related mental health disorder or anything similar, time would tell, but right now you cannot afford getting more undermined in your personal mental health, nor in your ability to take good care of your daughter because of it. Taking good care of yourself would ensure taking good care of your daughter as much as possible, and coping with the limitations, challenges and pain it involves because of her mother's problems.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious to me that she needs intensive professional psychological support, but if she does not get and keep it willingly and with full responsibility, it would not happen or work at all. On the other hand I believe you need and could truly benefit from individual counseling, since these situations are traumatic, ad tough to cope with for most people in your shoes, thus your support system (close and caring family and friends), plus counseling could be the best you could get to rehabilitate from it, take good care of yourself and of your daughter, while effectively coping with her mother's dysfunctions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let's hope her family could promote her awareness and assertiveness, her openness to get professional psychological support to take good care of herself and of your daughter. This is tough for sure, but necessary and worthy to work on it with all the support you could get.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Again, if this is about a mental health disorder undermining her ability to cope with all these challenges, time would tell. You can only control yourself and respect her boundaries, showing you respect her and her decision, even when you do not agree nor approve her ways, while trying to take consistent actions to support your daughter as much as possible. If doing all this hard and good work does not promote to her respect, trust, affection and gratefulness, then nothing will. How t know? Time will tell. Now you can only work on what depends on you and do your best, XXXXX XXXXX about the future, but please keep both feet on the ground, for you not to engage in any form of self-sabotage, nor to expose to any abuse or manipulation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: To this day her family is in shock, alittle disappointed. They have told her " men like him, don't exist anymore, being chivalrous and all " Her family told me she has always prayed for a man like me . Our parents supported us and imStill close to her family and my parents loved her still do but i do agree. We didn't take the time to get to know each other better. I also do believe this resentment towards me is bad for our daughter. She is unable to talk to me and uses her mother or father as a middle man to communicate with me. I am trying to do my best to realize I'm not in the driver seat of this situation and I have not brought up anything romantic. I have told her she has robbed her of a good full time father and robber herself of a good husband but that was months ago. I have became her punching bag when she has a bad day or something happens. And I try and make her feel better, which I know I shouldn't even respond to her txt. And when I'm around my daughter and she is around she will call her and since I haven't been in the picture much they have a closet bond. It will ruin whatever special time I have wig my daughter. And nightmare is literally the best word for this whole situation . Since April 2nd since we broke up she has been a nothing short of a monster to me.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do fully agree with you, and confirm what I said about this wonderful initial experience becoming a real nightmare. It is very sad, frustrating, overwhelming, and the three of you are victims here, but she has chosen to attach to this nightmare, instead of looking for and committing to her rehabilitation process with support from those who truly love her and from professionals, once her mental health, from reactions, mood to behaviors show she is not fine.I do continue to think it is not a hormonal problem. Hormones could have played a key role here, perhaps triggering and fuelling this dysfunctional condition, and she continues to be the only one with the power and responsibility to make it change for better. In the mean time you need to take good care of yourself and daughter as much as possible. You could be to supportive but please make sure you do not expose yourself to be victimized by any form of abuse, since that would nt help anybody there, but only empower her delusions and dysfunctions, and with them promote further abuse.

You have the right and need to be with your daughter, to raise her, share together and to create a strong and healthy bond too, and nobody should limit or undermine this right and need both of you have, thus please focus on everything you need to do to make this happen. Again, time will tell how this situation evolves, which would depend a lot on the role her support system (parents, family and close friends) plays, and on the professional psychological help she receives to work on herself.

Please do seriously consider individual counseling as an ideal source of support for you to better cope with the multiple challenges, pain and difficulties this situation presents, while taking good care of yourself and daughter. Counseling and psychotherapy should not be regarded, as many people do, as the last resource when a person gets into real serious crisis or gets psychotic. We all need and deserve sound professional support around our mental health, the same way we do get medical support when our physical bodies present a health problem or disorder.This way you would also know how to better support your daughter and prevent as possible issues in her growth and development.

Thank you for your trust and I truly hope your situation improves with time and the right support. Please feel free to contact me back for any further support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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