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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Dr. L, how can we chat?

Resolved Question:

Dr. L, how can we chat?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

HI,

Dr. L :

I didn't see this.

Dr. L :

We are now in chat.

Dr. L :

What's been happening in your life?

Dr. L :

I'll wait for your response.

Customer:

Hi!

Dr. L :

Well hello. How are you?

Customer:

almost four months have gone by and this guy has not called or appeared

Customer:

I haven't thought about him a lot but

Customer:

yesterday I realized that I may still have feelings for him

Customer:

I thought I wanted him out of my life

Customer:

I actually KNOW that he is no good

Customer:

but I still wonder if he thinks about me

Customer:

could it be that he just wanted me to find him a job and that everything he said about loving me was another lie?

Customer:

are you there?

Dr. L :

I think it is possible that he was just lying to get your help with a job.

Dr. L :

But he also had a huge ego and he wanted your love, attention,and affection.

Dr. L :

He wanted you dependent on him....so that he could see him in a positive light.

Dr. L :

*himself

Dr. L :

He was a very insecure man...and needs women to make it appear that he is manly.

Customer:

So nothing was ever true?

Dr. L :

I think that for the most part yes....not much was true.

Customer:

he was fired one week before he told me he loved me

Dr. L :

Why was he fired?

Customer:

it did cross my mind that he knew he was going to be fired and just went ahead and told me what I wanted to hear

Customer:

I don't know why he was fired but I am guessing he was very unpopular

Dr. L :

That's possible...yes..

Customer:

he was very conflictive

Customer:

he always had arguments with everyone

Dr. L :

That may be because he was a "fake" and he was constantly defending himself.

Customer:

and when he told me about those arguments I could totally see that he was going to get fired, but he interpreted everything differently

Customer:

I think you are right

Customer:

I could clearly see that he was a "fake"

Dr. L :

Yes...he would have an inability to see the "truth" because he lived a lie...

Customer:

and he was unbearable to be with... I remember now

Customer:

but why do I still care?

Dr. L :

Well....

Dr. L :

Is it possible that you are bored? or lonely?

Dr. L :

Have you been dating?

Dr. L :

What have you been doing to get on with your life?

Customer:

I am stressed about work

Customer:

I have not been dating

Customer:

I have been under a lot of stress and I am trying to find some mind distraction from problems

Dr. L :

What is the stress about?

Customer:

work

Customer:

responsibilities

Dr. L :

Have you done anything fun lately? Anything pleasurable?

Dr. L :

How are things with your mother?

Customer:

Things with my mother are great and I had a great vacation with my family

Dr. L :

Terrific! That's really good news.

Customer:

and now that I am talking to you I remember the agony of being with that guy

Dr. L :

Yes...it really was an unhealthy situation.

Dr. L :

He took advantage of you and your desire to be in a loving,committed relationship.

Customer:

do you think that if he really loved me he would have tried to approach me again by now?

Dr. L :

Yes.

Dr. L :

If you were that important to him...he would have continued to pursue you.

Dr. L :

That he has "disappeared" suggests that he has found a new person to use, is trying to make a go of it with his wife, or maybe has left the area altogether.

Dr. L :

He was not a reliable person. That is, he was never someone you could count on.

Dr. L :

Perhaps his wife found out about his affair with you...or about other affairs...and she gave him an ultimatum...anything is possible here.

Customer:

the point is... he doesn't know how to love someone, right?

Dr. L :

Exactly! His insecurity likely means that he does not love himself...therefore, he cannot love another person.

Dr. L :

Does that make sense to you?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

don't you think I am somehow that way too... that I really don't love myself?

Customer:

because it seems crazy to think about someone that hurt me so much

Dr. L :

I'm not sure about that...

Customer:

he was always putting me in a situation I didn't want to be in, and here I am asking myself if he loved me?

Dr. L :

What I do think is that you want to be loved so much that you are willing to compromise your own values and beliefs in order to find love. I also think that you are not good at saying "No", that you don't like to disappoint others, and that you can be persuaded to do something you really don't want to do.

Dr. L :

Yes...do you see where you followed his lead...and did not stand up for yourself?!

Customer:

that is completely true

Dr. L :

And then you interpreted his actions as love...when they were about control...not love.

Customer:

but he did say he was in love with me

Dr. L :

So....I would say that you do love yourself. Where you get in to trouble is not listening to your gut and you give yourself away.

Customer:

so it was more than my interpretation

Dr. L :

But again...his understanding of love was never the same as yours.

Customer:

true

Customer:

and you are right, I don't listen to my gut

Dr. L :

Your interpretation was based on his words and actions...

Dr. L :

And he was able to convince you that what he said and did was true...

Dr. L :

Despite your own concern that he was lying.

Customer:

since I met him I was repel by him

Customer:

and I ended up thinking I loved him!

Dr. L :

Yes...I remember that. You did not think he was handsome. You were uncomfortable with him.

Dr. L :

You need to remember that he had a strong personality and that he worked very hard to convince you of how great he was.

Dr. L :

He was a master manipulator...and you are not good at using people!!!

Customer:

the first time I went out with him out of pity... I thought I was being cruel

Customer:

the ironic thing is that if I had been swept off my feet by him, I would have been so afraid of getting hurt that I would have ran away

Dr. L :

Yes...I think that in a strange way he was able to charm you and you let down your defenses.

Dr. L :

However, when he got aggressive, you did become afraid and unsure of yourself.

Customer:

can you recommend any book I can read that would help me?

Customer:

I was about to buy "Emotionally Abused Women" and "Getting in the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"

Dr. L :

Secrets, lies and betrayals.By Maggie Scarf

Dr. L :

I don't know those books. If you want, I could check them out.

Dr. L :

I think Maggie Scarf's work is very good.

Customer:

I'll buy the one you say

Customer:

I need to go now but this chat was very beneficial

Customer:

it reminded me how I felt three months ago

Customer:

I was scared and looking for a way to get out

Customer:

I don't know what got into me

Customer:

Have a good night Dr. L! Thank you!

Dr. L :

Glad we were able to chat.

Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L :

Check out the book I suggested...

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Dr. L
Dr. L
Clinical Psychologist
364 Satisfied Customers
Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.