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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Yesterday I sent off a question to a counsellor, Elliott I

Resolved Question:

Yesterday I sent off a question to a counsellor, Elliott I think answered, regarding my partner of 3 years & cohabitator for 2 years. In particular it was about "forgetting to turn on the kettle". I received a reply which I was very happy with but somehow I deleted it after only reading it once!!! Would it be possible to have that reply sent again please? I may have another incident to run by Elliott just to confirm his opinion on things.

Thank you.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

Here is the reply that I send to a different account name but it did regard the tea kettle incident.

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You only described the one incident with the tea kettle. You normal forgetfulness caused no harm, was not done maliciously, and should not have become an issue.

This is very destructive and aggressive behaviour and serves to blame you as somehow victimising her by the tardy boiled water. You are the bad person and she gets to scold you.

This is the trick of a narcissist. The issue is not about the event but about gaining what is called "narcissistic supply" by controlling you. She NEEDS to to this, and may do similar things to either be in control or to gain admiration for what she does.

She may not have full-blow personality issues, but she seems to be exhibitiing these traits.

A true narcissist is a natural born liar and manipulator, and worst of all, is not capable of showing empathy towards others, or feeling the pain of others.

If this is the case, then you have a difficult person on your hands, and she will not change.

You have not given me much information but this is an educated hunch.

For some detailed guidance I recommend this valued book:

The Everything Guide to Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Professional, Reassuring Advice for Coping with the Disorder - At Work, at Home, and in Your Family

by Cynthia Lechan Goodman M Ed & Barbara Leff Lcsw


I wish you great success in understanding your situation. This is where I would look first.


Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC



I trust that this helps.


Warm regards,

Elliott

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Elliott & thank you for sending that to me again. I have often thought about "narcissism". Could you please consider the incident that occured last Friday night which turned out to be a disgraceful, although thank God not physical,full on argument.


We were watching the football (AFL) on TV - her team Essendon were playing. We enjoyed a little, not a lot, of red wine. My partner went to sleep for the entire last quarter. I left the couch at the finish of the game, went to the bedroom & turned down the bed, came back to turn off the TV & the central heating & to offer my hand in getting her off the couch & into bed. It was around 10.45. I had the alarm on for 5.45 for my 7.08 tee off at golf!! Getting her off the couch was impossible - she even questioned the football had finished until I turned the TV back on again just to hear the theme song of the winning team!! She couldn't be enticed off the couch so I left her there knowing that she would come to bed in her own good time. She did this about 10 minutes later, totally abusing me for leaving her on the couch with the heating off. For approx 5 minutes I repeatedly said to her that I was not participating in her name calling anger, knowing what would happen if I did!!! However, after a lot of personal unwarranted name calling abuse I also lost my temper & for the next 30 minutes we had this disgraceful argument. She settled down later & went to sleep, perhaps feeling a bit guilty about her behaviour, but with no apology. The next day it was like nothing had happened at all - which is a feature of her outbursts. The argument never did get physical, with exception to her hitting shoulders & chest with an open palm - which of course had no pain related. I am extremely against physical violence in the house & would never lay a hand on her - or anyone for that matter. Anyway, sorry to bore you, but I do need an opinion from an "outsider" so that I can try to deal with this problem. As it is at the moment I have given her an ultimatum to do something about her regular outbursts & unprovoked un warranted attacks on me. Just some further information, we have her 23 year old son & 19 year old daughter (not home at time) living with us. The house is jointly owned on a "tenants in common" basis with me 80% & her 20% & with me being the main contributor to our daily living costs.


 


I hope I haven't gone on too much - & I'm happy to pay more if you think it necessary. I do want to save this relationship - but goodness me it's hard work. And....of course you are only getting my side of the story - but I have only told you the way it actually happened.


Many thanks.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

A few more questions for you and then I will respond to your answers sometime when it is morning where I am. Just repsond please and I will pick up the chat.

-is she depressed? Depressed people can be very irritable.

-does she ever hurt herself (by cutting or other means), or does she have an eating disorder?

I look forward to hearing from you soon and I shall continue to help you.

This is a difficult situation and will have to amerliorate to save your relationship.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Good morning Elliott & thanks for your reply.
No - I wouldn't say she was depressed - & certainly doesn't have an eating disorder. Cutting or hurting herself would never enter her mind!! She is 50 (I am 64) & she is paranoid about her looks & figure. To her friends & work colleagues she is a "smiling" friendly caring attractive woman. To me she is a "smiling assassin"!!! I have thought of menopause but I do know that there is a history of extremely volatile behaviour with her ex husband of 25 years - which ended just on 4 years ago. She's the type of woman who makes you feel as though she should be rewarded for things like housework, in particular bathrooms & toilet cleaning - & if I'm ever sitting in front of the tv & she's doing some housework I either get a serve or she just sulks!!! I'm not lazy - in fact very domesticated & pull my weight with cooking & housework duties. I am at my wits end & just don't know anymore what to do. Probably the worst of all this is she puts the main part of the blame back to me. I think too that because she's 14 years younger & attractive, although she is losing her youthful body shape, she expects me to treat her like she's some sort of a prize....!!!


Thanks again.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Thanks for the additional information. She is definitely a narcissist and will be getting more and more bitter as the blooms fade off of her flowers.

Your description about the disconnect between her public persona and the real one that you know (the assassin)/ That sounds so much like the description of a narcissist. So does the fact that she tries to pin you with the blame and plays the victim.

She needs you more than you need her, if the truth be told. I urge you to get the book I recommended and you will learn a great deal.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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