I'm sorry that I wrote this before I saw that there might be a professional that you've already been dealing with. But you can hear from two of us and just pick up what you want from what we offer. Well you've got a lot on your plate. Being that jammed with tasks requires good organization, as you're striving for, because otherwise frustrations can lead to more marital friction that poisons the warmth you need for each other to survive. It also sounds like you might have all boys, which could be very hard on you, since he might unconsciously assume he's got the right angle on boys because he was one. Those differences in policy will need to be discussed, and some friction over them is normal.
I have a few suggestions off the top:
1. When you make an agreement for some tasks he's going to do that he may have trouble remembering, also agree that you'll put up a chart on a wall somewhere, so the tasks can be checked off. And balance what you're asking him to do to help you out with a task you're committing to that helps him out (like his laundry, ironing his shirts, or something else that shows you're contributing to his support too).
2. Set yourselves up with a cleaning lady for once a week or once every 2 weeks, so you'll both be motivated to have the house in condition for her to do the work you both would rather somebody else would do.
3. Set yourselves up with a reward every week or two also, like a baby sitter and some relaxing or exciting thing the two of you will do together.
4. Make a list of the specific differences you perceive in how he handles kid-boundary issues compared to your ways, as a preparation for addressing them. One of our American psychiatrists Scott Peck wrote that Marriage has two main functions: to raise children, and to create intimate friction between people who love each other to not withdraw from the frictional issues, so each one will have to outgrow their self-centeredness through dealing with the other. Peck wrote "The Road Less Traveled" that begins with the sentence: "Life is difficult."
Thanks. We in fact do have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight, and a lady that helps with housework on alternate fortnights. We also have a babysitter that comes for a few hours two days a week to allow me one on one time with each of the boys(yes we have two boys). So in essence we have someone in the house for three out of the five days in the working week. This motivates me to keep the place tidy but not necessarily my husband. I just wish he had the same desire to have my back as I feel that I do for him. I am at the point where I feel a little chained to the boys, because when I rave them with their father, he will often ignore my suggestions(for example, I may tell him that I had left food in the fridge for their dinner and he will ignore that and give them something else, or I will tell him that they didn't get much sleep during the day and need to go to bed early and he may not make a huge effort to do that). I made the comment recently that I really like our babysitter because she observes what I do and tries to emulate that when it comes to dealing with or disciplining the boys. My husband's response was defensive, querying whether I want him to be their father or their babysitter. I just want us to be consistent with each other.
Furthermore, I need to add that I have been apparently hormonal and more sensitive than usual lately. However, in my defence, I don't think that I am addressing anything different, but simply magnifying the stuff that had upset me so often in the past. Recently I was having a power struggle with our son and my husband humiliated me by grabbing him and taking him to a private place and proceeded to handle our son in his way. When I told him that that made me feel very unsupported he said that I need to have more patience. This hurt very much because I feel that I have been extremely patient with his lack of commitment or sensitivity.
My main concern though, is that I am facing a losing battle because we have been to see a counsellor in the past and my husband has not shown any commitment to working on the things that need to be worked on, since leaving the counsellors office.
I know when I try to talk he switches off because he thinks that I am emotional and ranting. But in essence I am desperately trying to make things better, and to feel heard, respected and appreciated.
How do I do this?!?