Thank you so much for your reply. It confirms my thoughts and feelings. I am going through a lot and would love to have his support and spend time with him - it feels less lonely then. When I am alone and without him I do miss my pregnancies/ babies very much and cry. O nthe other hand I too aprreciate this time, opportunity to be by myself and reflect. As much as I was happy with him I have been thoruhg a lot of pain and now I am on my own whilst he is with Allah. I must admit that I am angry sometimes. I would love to see him before I go but really I feel he has shut me out and I am tired of feeling as if I am 'dirty'. New job and move will be a new start for me I feel and I shall also have counselling to help me deal with all I have been through. I am angry that apparently he is so religios yet lacks compassion. i love him but I feel that he is almost unable to love me because of his religious beliefs. Why then start a relationship? Why he has not thought about all this before? Anyhow .. I am going off on a tangen. I tried to explain - in a peacful manner because I do love him and care for him very much - that it seems to me he is pushing me away and wants to end the relationship. He was/ is just silen, if he is in a mood he tells me all the things he believes I want to hear but ... I think I will just move without saying anything. Ramadan finishes on the 8th of August, I shall be then away and I do not want to see him and cause myselfmore pain. Sad thing is that last time he came to see me I gave him a little present, a token of appreciation for him and a cute card with a loving message. i was hurt that he looked at it all sad and I could not understand why? I thought he'd be pleased. I bought him a leaving present, a collection of CD from David Attenborough as he likes his programmes but he has disappeared so if I were to leave it for him I have no idea where/ how as I do not know where he is. Him sending me the link to Bruno Mars 'When I was your man' really hurts and also offends me. I am trying to o the right thing but I also feel I need to do the right thing for me and spare myself more pain. I love him though so why he doesn't want to see it?
Thank you for your assistance. It has been a bout a week since I last heard from my boyfriend. I have given him space and not contacted him. I am going to be leaving in few days time, Ramadan won't be over still. You mentioned that if I cannot get him communicate his issues with me/ relationship than I will have to let go. The question is how do I try to communicate his issues with me? I am afraid that if I do not contact him, he may feel the same way as I do: I want him to contact me to show he cares. Am I naive in thinking he may feel the same? If I leave without saying anything to me that is not very decent thing to do. On the other hand I do not wish to disturb him during Ramadan. In your opinion, if I decide to contact him what do you believe would be the best time to do that, what method and what is the best thing to say? I do love him and I wish we could try to make this work. I am being cautious at the same time and do not want to come across as the person that has no boundaries. Thanks.
Hello Karin, since I last emailed you about my relationship a lot has happened. He contacted me just before I was leaving, however, was offended that I wasn't going to contact him. I explained that I was giving him space to enjoy Ramadan and celebrate Eid. All seemed pretty ok for a while: he was supposed to move with me but told me he was not ready just yet and that he was saving money to buy a car, house etc and working really hard for us. I started a new job, was settling and thought Ill see how it all goes. We had our ups and downs: him disappearing, being moody, telling me I am not a woman for him then when I distance myself he would apologise or be hurt I distanced myself .... I think he is afraid of making a committment yet puts the blame on me. He seems to be under pressure but Im not sure if it is because of me. He is not happy with my new job, he tells me he wants to be my number one but he is not even around. Once he visited and I had to deal with an emergency and he took offence. When we make plans it is always last minute , according to his feelings. He tells me he is tired, busy ... I told him I was letting go of us - because it all became too erratic and exhausting - and then contacted him again and since then he has been extremely strange. For example, he came to visit and wanted to be physically close but I wanted us to wait. He got angry, told me not to tell him ever again that I miss him, pushed me away aggressively and shut himself in the bathroom. I left to give him space, when I returned I asked can we start again and all was ok. However, he could not forgive me, kept mentioning I rejected him, apologised for pushing me away but said it is because I upset him. He was giving me a cold shoulder and told me we are not making love, that we are just having sex. Two weeks ago we met again and all was ok on Saturday. On Sunday he told me he was working and made plans during the day. He did not have to work and as |I carried on with my plans he was offended. He never said but I could tell: we went out for dinner and he did not make a slightest suggestion to pay (he usually if not always pays), he did not want to be physically close saying he is tired which is ok but it made me feel he was playing game. He checked my mobile and he also told me that because I am going away for Christmas/ New Year away that he will not be in touch with me as he needs to get used to the fact that I wont be around. He also told me very hurtful things since I initiated the break up: that he does not want to have children, if I have a child that he will leave because I will love the child more than him, than he has to support his family back home, accused me of using him for physical pleasure and would I leave him if he couldnt perform? It has all turned into a huge mess and I do not know where are all his statements, accusations coming from. He stopped communicating with me maybe three weeks ago. I emailed him twice to say 'Hi' and keep some communication going but no reply from him. He told me a while ago: after I agreed that we spend festive period together that I should just go away as planned, that he loves me and wants the best for me and when I come back we shall see what happens. I asked him what does he mean and he told me that he doesnt know how will I change, who am I going to be when I come back. I appreciate Karin that I hurt him by saying I was letting go of our relationship and that it made him feel unloved. However, it all came after I felt neglected by him although to that he said that he is working, he is tired, that everybody wants something from him but nobody cares about him .... It feels as if we are talking different languages. I do love him but our relationship cannot function as it is. He told me he doesnt want to talk, defending himself all the time, that he just wants to relax. Iam giving him space but I feel he has left me. He apologised for hurting me, for all the wrongs he has done and that said that I should not let anybody hurt. I feel we are both struggling but in a different way and for different reasons. I love him and am not sure if he loves me. Id like to believe it but with everything else I dont. He even tells me himself that he knows that I do not believe that he loves me. I do not know hat to do for the best. I sent him a couple of emails: no reply. I do not want to call because Im afraid he wont pick up or who knows what he will say and I will end up hurt even more. Thanks.
Thank you Karin, I actually spoke to him today. I feel more at peace, its not nice to be ignored. He also expressed how he feels about our losses, it is sad for both of us. He is in denial that abortion was meant to be but my opinion is that we made it happen, we made that decision. Ultimately I did. I hope that if we part it will be with acceptance, recognition that we did love each other, share some of the journey in our life together and wish wish each other all the best. I am not sure where will all lead, I need and want to focus more on myself. Not enabling him to play games and challenge him, highlight it. We talked about love, he brought it up and said that love is selfish. I stated that I do not think it is, love is generous, wanting the best for the other person, wanting them to be happy and helping them be the best they can be. I love him, whether we can be together I do not know. I do not wish to force. Its good we are talking.
Dear Karin, I thought all was pretty ok, that I was on a right track with my boyfriend, managed to open a channel of communication. Last night I called him and he sounded completely different. We started to talk and he was angry, actually quiet vicious: I did not recognise him. I even wondered if he was drinking and he never drinks. He told me that we have no future, that I never forgave him the abortion, cannot move on and that I have only myself to blame for everything. He told me that I cannot relax and that is why I cannot get pregnant. He told me he loves me but doesnt want to see me and questioned why I want to be with him because all he does is lie, complain ... he told me Im an angel and should be with another angel. I told him he told me he loves me and that in January which is only weeks away he will move to live with me. He told me he lied. I post-poned my holiday so that we can spend festive period together and he told me that Im dead to him, that he doesnt want to be the second choice and that even if Im around he wont be with me. He told me Christmas is my holiday, he wanted to spend it with me but it is not his holiday anymore (he is a Muslim). Karin, I sent him an email and told him I love him and am here for him. He helped me on many occassions when I was hurting and feeling down. I thought that maybe I undermined the way he is feeling about everything. I do not know if he is lashing out at me, if it is his cry for help or if he really hates me. I know it doesnt sound good in terms of a relationship but ... I just do not know what to think. Maybe I forgot all about him in my grief, maybe he too struggled with everything. You see, after we spoke the other day I was so happy and felt it is time to let go. I emailed him a thank you appreciation letter for all the things/ reasons I love him. As a result I got this reaction. I dont understand why. He told me he did not respond because he knows I was lying. Karin, I suspect he is feeling guilty. As I had few miscarriages that too is making him feel awful. He is trying to hurt me to push me away. This is what I see is happening. I belive that together we can work through this and it will make us stronger. I feel running away is preferred way. I emailed him to say I am here for him and I now wait for him? If I do not hear from him Ill need to accept it is over. I told him i lost everything, his love, our child ... and he told me I chose to feel that way. he was extremely cold-hearted.Yet, he did call me back few times as we got disconnected and said well talk tomorrow. ill leave it all to him. Not sure how and when I wil ever recover from this. thanks.
Hi Karin, the reason I am writing is really in hope to let go of some hurt and not for advice. I made a decision to let go of my relationship with the man I wrote about. I gave my all and there's no way for me/ us to go. We try I think but we struggle. I think deep down we both feel lonely, we both would want our relationship to feel right however we both know something crucial is missing for both of us to make it work. He was angry with me for going away as he wanted to spend Christmas with me and accused me of being his second choice. I post-poned my holiday but he was still angry and told me I am dead to him etc. I kept in contact with him as I felt he was hurting and I thought by being there for him he will feel reassured and secure in our relationship. Whilst I kept in touch with him I started to move on emotionally and evaluate our relationship/ future. I focused on getting better and enjoying life: I joined a gym, started to excercise regularly, I have been reading a lot, focused on my work and find a house. Once I felt confident and strong I suggested we meet for a drink as I was in his town through work. He sounded happy and suggested he travels back with me to my town/ place. We went out for a meal and I agreed he travels back with me although with a reserve. I was afraid if I say no he will be disappointed plus I thought it might be nice to spend some time together. To sum it all up, he did open up or it seemed that way and told me he is difficult to live with, that he is very sensitive, gets angry easily etc. The weekend was not very good because he felt I was not happy enough to see him. I said that after everything he told me, he hurt me and it is difficult to just bounce back. Saturday we wnet out for a meal but he started to complain that he feels uncomfortable because he was the only person in a restaurant. I suggested we go and we left. Earlier that day I drove us to a little, quaint village and he wouldnt leave the car saying there are no black people in that village and he feels his life is in danger. Sunday he got angry with me because he told me he was worried about his family, that they are notable to survive without his support. I appreciate his culture is different to mine yet I said that his siblings are not his children, that his mum has a husband and that I do not feel it is right all the responsibility is on his shoulders. To that he got extremely angry - quietly - and soon after got on a phone to his family, friends and being in his own world. He decided to travel back so I saw him off at the station. I told him I wish he didnt have to leave and he told me he wishes the same. Train arrived, he told me to take care and jumped on the train even though the train wasnt to leave for another 15mins or so. I too walked away without looking back. I was hurt and exasperated. We havent talked since then and I made a decision not to contact him anymore. I should have been patient, calm and lady like however this was a last straw and I am afraid I lost my tolerance. I feel he is constantly criticising, nothing is ever good enough, he just sits back and judges. I am afraid we are both angry, hurt as neither mine nor his expectations are being met. I am prepared to communicate but he believes it is a waste of time. He insists we should be free to do as we wish, go with our feelings. If I compromise, do something for him and/ or our relationship he gets angry. Our relationship has become a mine field. I do not know where it went wrong and I should have let go long time ago. We are both grieving what we lost and that includes each other I think. Sad.