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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I am 24 and im currently with a girl who is 22. we had been

Customer Question

I am 24 and im currently with a girl who is 22. we had been dating for 10 months before we broke it off before trust issues from both parties.about 2 weeks ago i decided to give it a try again because i deeply love her. When i asked her if she wanted to try to work our issue out she said that she wanted to be with me but wasnt not sure if it would work out. it took that as if there is willingness we can fix our issues. i believe that if we can fix our issues that i will most likely marry this woman. my concern, is that we argue alot, and everytime we have an argument shes implies that if its not solved in the way she wants it, that she will walk away. sometimes i also feel she is hypercritical of me. i know i have flaws and that we both have issues that we both need to work on. my concern is should i really be pursuing someone who's feelings seem to waver everytime things get difficult? Ive read 3 books on relationships and more on personal growth and im currently working on my issues, doing everything that i can to become a better person for myself, and to fix the things she needs to feel secure. I feel that also she is insecure and that there is only so much i can do. i think that for things to work out she needs to forgive and forget and truly start new as i have done with her transgressions... i dont want to give up but it is difficult when i feel as if she is constantly thinking of a way out.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You seem to be a most thoughtful and considerate person, and you are trying so hard to understand your behaviour, your shortcomings, and how to communicate effectively.

This woman is very manipulative and controlling, and will make your life unpleasant if she doesn't get her way.

This is not a woman that you want to marry. She cannot compromise adequately and you will not have a smooth relationship with her.

She uses the "waivering feelings" routine as leverage to get her way, and you allow her every time.

It seems to me that the highway will lead somewhere but her way will only lead to a dead end.

You have been admirably making yourself a better person and you will make the right person very happy. The wrong person will make you very unhappy. I think you have found her and I would recommend that you consider taking that road that seems to be offered to you with great regularity.

This book might help.

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson


I wish you great wisdom and strength and I shall keep you in my prayers for success.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 


I bought the book for my kindle, read the first two chapters and i think that you are right.... Im not a psychologist so i'm not sure if she is borderline NPD or full NPD, however the situations and behaviors described in the first 2 chapters are very similar and descriptive of my current situation.


 


I now understand what I'm dealing with, and im learning tools on how to deal with it....thank you... I know that the logical decision is to leave, however... at the end of chapter 2 it says that it is possible to improve or at least help the person to recover/improve (if theyre willing) ...even if i need to walk away from the relationship. or learn how to deal with it to not walk into this type of relationship again


 


is there any books you recommend that i could give her to at least give her some help?. financially, i know she cannot afford therapy.


or affordable help?


 


 


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Thank you for your feedback and affirmation of my hunch.

Most narcissists will not admit that they have anything wrong with them, and even if they realize it they would find it hard to accept help from an ordinary person who would be beneath them and unable to understand them;

It is possible to change.

The best book to help her gain self-realization of her problem is probably

Product Details

You Might Be a Narcissist If... - How to Identify Narcissism in Ourselves and Others and What We Can Do About... by Paul Meier, Cynthia Munz and Lisa Charlebois

For your own well-being, if you decide that you cannot change things (and this is a difficult call to make because you are a highly compassionate and caring person), then I recommend this wonderful book:

 

Product Details

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy LCSW JD and Randi Kreger


This can help you leave or help you deal with it.

 

There is much sorrow for the partner of a narcissist and one of the biggest groups that I deal with on a daily basis are those partners About 4 out of 5 are women, but there are men as well. It is heartbreaking when you try to deal with behavior that is just not rational.

 

I wish you great success in your situation, but it will be a struggle.

 

I shall keep you in my prayers.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you very much for your help. I knew something was wrong but could not put my finger on it.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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