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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3119
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I have been married 4 years. My husband was very caring when

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I have been married 4 years. My husband was very caring when dating, after marriage things are slowly changing. I feel like my expectations are to cook, clean, take care of the money and sex. Other then that I am not suppose to have an opinion, want anything or ask for anything. If I do ask I will ask very nicely and he will roll his eyes at me get obviously irritated so I just drop it. I am getting depressed and feeling very distant from my husband. I do work, I have my own business and make good money. I have tried talking to him. It just made things worse, as he just made me feel even more that I am to say nothing. We just purchased a home that we both agreed on. I do try when talking to him to do it in a way that isn't accusing him of things. Instead of working things out, he will go back and bring up every mistake I have ever made in the relationship, even though he never told me it bothered him before. If I bring up something that is bothering me thats when he will go through the list of things about me that is wrong. Some insight into what I need to do would be helpful. Thanks.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

It doesn't sound like this is any way to live and thrive.

CoachJenK :

you have tried to talk to him about it but to no avail. My thoughts would be that some marital counseling is in order to understand what is going on and how and if you can reconnect.

CoachJenK :

If he refuses marital therapy then it becomes about whether or not you can tolerate living in a relationship in this manner. It seems to me that you cannot as you talk of depression and isolation even within your own home. You have given up parts of yourself in order to try and get along, but again....not a great way to live. Suggest therapy if you haven't already and maybe even go on your own so you can get the support you need and to take a look at your depression. If he won't go and things remain the same then you will be at a crossroads and ahve to decide what will work for you moving forward.

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come back online so we can talk.


He is a good man in many ways. He works hard and will do many projects around the home. He does not know how to communicate. He has gotten lazy in the relationship. I am tired of being the one to constantly try and keep the relationship healthy. I feel like I am doing all the work. Moving did take a lot of money, not that were broke but we do need to tighten our budget just for awhile. For our anniversary he asked me what I wanted, and I said that I would like the hot tub put in that we purchased a year ago from a friend. He said ok. He started the project, but it remains unfinished. We did need to wait for payday to financially afford the extra cost of moving the hot tub and the wiring etc needed. Which was fine, but he worked some over time at work and ended up with 300 extra dollars on his check and instead of saying we can now put the hot tub in he shows me his check and says I think I have earned a chainsaw now. He purchased a chain saw and the hot tub still sits. That bothered me a lot. I truly don't ask for much, I have been on my own most of my life. I have always supported myself and I have been very good to him. He gets everything he wants always. I guess just once I wanted him to put me first. We had the discussion but he just got angry and he really doesn't see the importance in the decision he made or how that made me feel.

CoachJenK :

As you say the communication is paramount and if it is suffering then seeking some outside counsel can help you to be heard

CoachJenK :

When you try and let him know how you feel is he able to respond?

CoachJenK :

Are you still with me?

Not sure if you were able to see my responses in the chat. Let me know how I can further support you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yea he is able to respond. He gets defensive. Instead of dealing with the issue in the moment, and work that through it ends up truly not really getting solved because then he just starts throwing all these things at me that I have done wrong. I know I'm not perfect by far, but he is ADD and he truly does not remember things the way they really happened, or the way they were actually stated. He has refused to take conventional medications for it. Example: we had some extra money and thought that buying a cheap RV that we could use to go on trips would be a good thing for both of us. Give us time away together. I never make a major purchase without discussing it with him and we decide together. We went and looked at Rv's and he wanted to buy the first one we seen. I was Leary but he is pretty smart mechanically so I took his word that he felt it was fine. It ended up being a hunk of junk, constant issues and it took him many days to fix all the issues. I to this day have not heard the end of that and it was my fault for suggesting the RV in the first place. My suggestion of that effected his ability to finish other things he had planned. I was able to rectify it by using facebook to show people not to shop at this rv place and what they had done to us, they did take it back and gave us a much better one, which we still have. At the time he could have said he didn't think it was a good time to buy one, I would have been fine with that answer. He agrees then gets mad at me later.

I can hear your frustration and I still believe the suggestion of couples therapy would be helpful for both of you. sometimes when we get locked into a pattern of relating it is hard to make any changes without some outside seems to me that you are both stuck in this pattern and you are suffering. you deserve not to be suffering. I am hoping that he can hear you and at least be open to seeing someone.
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