How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question

Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Karin Samms is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Dont know where to start. Been in a on and off relationship

Customer Question

Don't know where to start. Been in a on and off relationship with a lovely lady. We were supposed to get married. The. I lost my job. The. Her sons were getting married so she said were waiting after them. Her ex husband bother and the family are good friends. One day he asked me about her and I. I said I live her and we were supposed to have gotten married I told him I've never spent so much on a ring before she came home from a family function and said I had been talking shit Nd she wanted me to move out. But she is still having me do things for her since her you eat brother moved in a month ago with his 3 kids she lets me kiss her at times. He her hand at times. But no sure what to do at this point. I want to try Nd talk to her to stay with her in another home away from her brother and kids which she wants to love out as soon as he gets a job what to do
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 12 months ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this difficult situation, she doesn't seem like she knows what she really wants. Like you say, 'on and off' - this is possibly how she is feeling about the relationship too.

You both have other external factors in this relationship and this isn't helping you both to focus on your relationship and your future (such as the brother and kids). You deserve to know and to have some clarity about your relationship with her and so you may need to be more direct and try and get some time alone with her. If she's serious about you both being together in the future then she will need to make some decisions regarding her youngest brother (I couldn't quite be sure if this is who he was from your question, please forgive my mistake if this is not who he is), I'm trying to ascertain WHY she still feels obliged to him and his kids - does this mean she doesn't have to decide about her own future? Or is she genuinely worried about committing herself to a long term relationship and hasn't told you in so many words?

It can't be easy for you now that you have lost your job - do you think perhaps this is also concerning her about financial strains on the both of you?

She sounds like she's avoiding having to deal with the relationship and seeing as you're part of that relationship you may well have to take the lead and begin to try and get her mind focused on the pair of you. Ways to do this might be to take her out somewhere - for a meal, or a coffee, a walk in the park - somewhere public (so there's no pressure on either of you) and talk about whether she sees a future for the both of you together as you need to know as you love her dearly and don't want to let her go but that you will not keep putting things on hold forever. Write things out if you feel things don't always get verbalized the way they should especially if things become heated and then it's difficult to say what you mean, so write some things out, prepare yourself and if she isn't keen to meet to talk perhaps tell her over the phone or write her an email, but talking and communicating can only be a positive way forward under these circumstances, do you know what I mean?

Your position seems very much in limbo at present and you will need to find a way to push forward but doing so, in a subtle way. This may require offering her time to ensure she really can commit to you and or having some time apart so that she can decide what her priorities are.

I'm unsure why she felt so angry at you expressing your love for her to another person and how valuable the ring was. It sounds almost like she doesn't want to share this part of your life with anyone else and she became very angry that you had shared your feelings about her to others. This seems almost like she's scared to move on.

One final point I'd like to leave for you is that you CAN take some control here and you need to decide if she's ever going to be able to commit to you the way you would like her to. If she can't, then what's your plan? Would you be unable to accept this decision and would you feel you'd need to move on with your life? I wonder whether you have thought that she may simply not want to get married and if that's the case, can you still be with her and accept this decision or would you need to take time out and move on with your life- either way, you're going to need to make a decision and take the lead and make a decision about how you communicate the above to her.

I hope that I have offered you some more points to consider and also clarified other aspects for you and I truly do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
---------------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.
Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 11 months ago.
Hi,

Can I be of any further help to you? If so, please do let me know.

--------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before leaving the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Pretty much have thought about all you answered with. I've been working as a teacher now for a year and make pennies on the dollar not worth it except for teaching our children. Her sons are married now. I helped one just yesterday. I'm always doing things for them or her. Today we went to churh nd had lunch. She talked about one sons wife baby shower and would ask me questions or thoughts on it even as a sounding board. Ihave a card and been writi g things down to put in it. I know financially we are both better of together then by ourselves. I am willing to give her full control of everything. So she doesn't have to fear beIng hurt, cheated on and such like has happened to her in the past. I've told her I would. Not cheat on her and haven't. I don't care to be with anyone else. I know she can make it on her own as she makes 2 to 3 times what I make. I am even looking for a second or third job to help. I've even consider moving out of state if she and I can't get back on track. As there is nothing keeping me here other than her. I'd go back and help my mom an find work there. Not sure what else to say. I'm scared of loosing her if I give her this card but I guess I don't have anything to loose just hopefully gain with her. Thanks for your help so far. Feeling depressed.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 11 months ago.
Hi there,

I read your email response with a heavy heart :( you have so much to give her and have proved to me that you're willing to do what it takes (and more) to show her how much you want to be with her and how much you love her; how she can't see this is beyond me.

I still though, stand by what I've written as until you stand firm you have no position at all and your situation will not change at all. She needs to know how desperately unhappy you are over this. Any other women (I know you say you're not interested in any other than her) but any other would be overwhelmed by the love you have demonstrated towards her, hence why I say, something is frightening her and it may be that she's keeping you at a distance/ at arm's length.

I'm sorry that you're going through this pain, she wants you around but it's on her terms and I hope you realize you can and will gradually find a way through this - but you WILL need to find a way to express your thoughts and feelings to her when you feel the time is appropriate but not leaving it too late.

I truly do hope you can find a way through this and resolve this - whether it be nerves, or something else.

Let me know if I can help further. I'm here if you need.
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Karin
What do you think of the card Nd flowers delievered to her work tomorrow? I know she wants me to start moving out the first of the month. August . We even sleep in the same bed. I said I'd like to talk about it a few weeks back and she told me to stop disrespecting her and live by her wishes. And find a place to live. If I move out it will be about an hour away where I teach so I can maybe afford to live in a place. It's either that or move outof state 2000 miles away to where my mom is. What to do? If I move an hour away it's not like I can meet at a minute notice or help like I want to. I'm even doing her and mines landury right now dang how do I open her up to see how much I love her.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 11 months ago.
Hello again,

I would be delighted to continue assisting you, however if you will, could you kindly take a second to positively rate my service. The question will not close and I will continue to support your requests on this question. In the meantime I will prepare my response.

Kind regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 11 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 11 months ago.
Hi,

Thank you for rating my service positively, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help.

Take care, my best wishes to you.

Karin
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

to let you know what happened, she still wants me to move out, and said she will only be friends from here on out, which she said that before, but as for me, i am moving out tomorrow or thursday, and moving back to be with and help my mom, and if things change between her and i, then she can come see me.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 11 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency