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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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I think my addiction to sex is starting to hurt my relationship.

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I think my addiction to sex is starting to hurt my relationship. My current girlfriend is the only woman I desire or even sleep with, but she doesn't do the things I have desires to do. She thinks that she doesn't satisfy me, but she does. I climax with her every time we have sex. I have very lusty and perverse desires that I know are not healthy and more recently I have shared certain indiscretions with her that I wish to perform with her. She is completely against 90% of the things I suggest and I understand her hesitation because of the crudeness of some of these sexual activities. I love my girlfriend and plan to marry her but she is scared I will find someone else to fulfill my desires. I can assure her that I have no intention to share any of my desires with anyone other then her. How do I really make it apparent that she is truly the only one for me, even if she doesn't fulfill my lusty desires?

Dr. Norman Brown :

The best way to approach this problem is to approach your own habitual sex fantasies with the intent of changing them so that you will be able to contain them within the sexual realtionship of your intended marriage. How old are you? Do you know how you came to develop these sexual appetites that you consider to be outside of what most women would accept?

Dr. Norman Brown :

Some of your sexual imagination could be carried out in your mind while you are having sex with your girlfriend. A great many people of both sexes, if not most, carry on sexual fantasies in their minds at some points in their lovemaking scenes, and many of these interior fantasies are never shared with their partner.

Dr. Norman Brown :

And here's another important point about very "abnormal" sexual enactments. I had a man in one of my men's groups decades ago who told me that one of his girlfriends was so devoted to him that she wanted to act out every one of his secret fantasies with him. So he took her up on her offer, and he loved it--at first. But after not too many months he realized that he didn't even LOVE HER anymore, because he LOVED HIS SEXUAL DRAMAS MORE. Sorrowfully, she had lost her individuality for him and had become nothing but a sex doll. He had actually HURT HIMSELF by demolishing his love for her, because LOVE and SEX are not identical.

Customer:

I'm 28 and have had most of these fantasies for a good majority of my life. I attribute a lot of these fantasies to porn and more specifically the porn I was able to my hands on at a very young age. And see that is exactly what i'm trying to avoid I'm glad my girl friend does resist my sexual appetite. I have been trying to curb my porn intake not that it is very much these days to say the least but I still can't help but to have these lewd fantasies.

Dr. Norman Brown :

I have to run errands--Post office, but I'll write more later to explain how to proceed step by step with remodeling your sexual fantasies so that they are compatible with what your partner can handle. It's actually GOOD that she won't do some of the things you want--tho it might be more compromise than you can handle in the long run.

Customer:

Alright we'll talk later when you have more time. thank you for your input

Dr. Norman Brown and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

Dear Al, I had to switch to this format, because the system shut off Chat, but that won't slow us down. I'm also going to the gym for a workout, because my heart needs it. Here are the main principles of the remodeling process for porn scenes: 1. You need to build up ways your girlfriend can look and behave that are sexy FOR HER and for you, so you'll increase the power of her own allure to capture, arouse and consummate your erotic volcano-eruption. If sexy lingerie have power for you, you can toy with "lingerie events" that you both get off on--like joining her in the dressing room at Victoria's Secrets for a test-lookfeel. 2. (More difficult step) You need to practice using your past porn turn-on imagery only to the point of being well lit inside, and then switching your fantasy, eyes still closed, to what's a practiced turn-on by looking at, touching, kissing etc HER. It's likely that some, perhaps many of your more "forbidden turn-ons" will have to be dropped out of your repertoire through DISUSE and being replaced with more flexible imagery that will allow you to switch it to what fits with your real interaction with your girlfriend (that you've been expanding in step 1). You can practice these switches with eyesclosed and also with eyes opening up to her precious reality that you hold in your hands. 3. You might have also habituated yourself to coming very quickly in some fantasies, and if so, you may want to retard ejaculation with the "squeeze technique" that you can practice on your own and eventually with your girlfriend. By staying in the "plateau stage" of high pleasing arousal without approaching "ejaculatory inevitability" (when the subway train has already left the station and your orgasm will be spoiled if you don't let it rip) you'll make yourself available for more erotic pleasure with her while you're focusing on her building up to her own climax. That half hour or more of mutual pleasuring is the normal basis of couple sex that is not driven by the goal of reaching climax, and thus, for you, a valuable segment of your sexual intimacy that will transform you from a sexual-image-driven locomotive (with little relation to your partner) into a happy erotic story-teller hidden in Paradise Meadow with his Forest Nymph weaving tales of the Ravenous Rivers.

 

4. Telling stories is another wild-card in the magic mix for transforming your sexual life from a solo sport into Dances of 1001 Nights. You mix erotic touching with building erotic stories together, in which you improvise bits of plot and imagery in sequence with her improvisations, using fantasy material that excites her and adding small amounts of what excites you and does not shock her. You'll have to learn by watching and listening to her what turns her on, but normally how she looks plays a role, and elements that are beyond her control.

 

It's probably too soon to work on how to make improvised erotic stories work to build up a dance of erotic words & actions to make you a hotter and hotter couple. But you may get her started by asking her to recount what the most hypnotic-sexual early moments were in your togetherness, and then relive and embellish them with her. That can lead to phone sex-talk and text-sex-talk too.

 

Now on to pumping iron.

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