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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Its been a struggle but at least we are talking it through. One

Customer Question

It's been a struggle but at least we are talking it through.

One item that started this series of terrible times which I feel was the "straw" that broke the camel's back was the parking situation.

In summary, we have many people in our household that have cars. We have the ability to park 4 cars in our driveway. However there is plenty of parking right in front of our house. With the college kids and their eratic schedules I was constantly asking someone to move their car each morning while I'm trying to leave to work. I drive at least an hour each way and decided to ask both my daughter and step daughter not to park in the driveway because I'd like to come and go at my leisure. They both said "OK" and this has been the case for a few months. I also park mu car in the "middle" of my lane to ensure no-one parks behind me.

My husband and I have been having a lot of trouble especially with how he treats me when it is respect to his adult children. Initially, when his adult children treated me or my daughter's poorly, I would speak to him and he would simply ignore me and they would not take me seriously. After a year and a half of this I decided that I've had enough and began to handle things directly. If my step daughter treated anyone poorly or acted selfishly I spoke directly to her. The first few times she'd gone to her father and he has come back and treated me poorly and we faught terribly. Ultimately I was and have been stunned and deeply hurt. Now it has come to a point where I have been threathening to leave. It is only when I say "I'm leaving" or "I WILL leave ..." that my husband, after a few days, says he sorry for treating me terribly and AGREES with why I did what I did or things change. I know this is disfunctional and tried to talk to my husband about taking me seriously and he simply says "I do?"

We recently had a blow-out (about two weeks ago), again about my treatment of his daughter. AGAIN, I threathened to leave and actually began to sleep in my daugther's room. After four days, he asked to take me out to dinner where he apologized and I said "I can't be threathening any more, this is gut wrenching! We have to be a united front and your need to support our decision" He said he would.

Then Last Thursday he had a great evening with his children (I came home late and saw them watching a game having fun). The VERY NEXT DAY he parked in my parking spot. I was puzzled by that. So the next morning (Saturday) I went to him and said "would you please not park in my spot and please let me know if that is too much for you" He then said "I will give it back as long as you pull forward to allow another person to park there." There is only ONE other person who would park there and that would be his daugter (my daughter would not). It was obvious to me that he and his children chatted last night and his daughter caught his ear and convinced him that I should not such rights. THAT pissed me off.

I again imploded and told him what I thought and AGAIN threathened to leave again. Then afterward I ran errands, I was so upset wanting to change this cycle so when I returned home I said I was sorry and asked for a Divorce. He said nothing except "half of your upcomming bonus is mine." I had a business trip and left Monday morning and got back this past Thursday. He did not call once. During this time I knew that these threats needed to be stopped and decided to leave and not threaten anymore. I guess if I have threatened 9X in the last 12 months it is obvious that I should just leave.

When I walked in the door He immediately asked "so what's going on with us and do you still want a divorce." I calmly said "yes" and simply said I didn't want to argue anymore. He was stunned and said he loves me more in that hour than he has in the last month. He spent time near me asking me questions and finally I gave in and the molten lava came out and I completely vented. He did listen and looked beat up (we hugged and slept on it).

The next morning (yesterday) I didn't know what to do - and decided to simply say that and asked him that we have to do something "different" because what we are doing is not working and had asked him to think of something with me.

After work I decided to get us out of the house and go out to Dinner. We started slowly and began to have a good time togther UNTIL he mentioned the parking spot. He stated that he was just parking there and I stood my ground on what I believe and he then said "f**k you." That surprised me and I said, "wow, I am trying here. I thought we go out to dinner, I made an appointment for us with a counselor on Wednesday figuring we just take it day by day and I might as well cancle because you are certainly no wanting to work this out - so - f**k you too" His response was, good cancle because we have no relationship.

I woke up this morning (made him sleep elsewhere) and I don't know what to do. I guess just leave?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I understand that this parking matter should be and could be easily worked out. The daughter resents you and the attention that you receive from her father and is using this as a wedge issue.

If his ex-wife is still living then he has perhaps battled to keep his children with him. They are first in his life, which is normal and understandable.

However, from your description of your needs for availability of your car, you should be given top consideration.

This argument is not really about the parking space priority, but the priority of you versus his daughter in your husband's life. She is using this to pry you away from him, and you are about to let her win.

I strongly urge you, before this goes any further, to find that marriage and family therapist and attend with him, and if you can arrange it, with his daughter as well ( but not at the first meeting).

You might be able to "settle" the parking space problem by making some kind of "rental agreement" where you paid into a family fund for special events, and you would then "own the rights" to the space. Yes, this is bribery, and might work for this one issue.

This is not an ideal solution but may solve things temporarily while you are working out the bigger issues. However, the daughter's resentment would shift to something else. You are the unwanted stepmother and the outsider and your husband is torn, and will always choose his daughters even when they are wrong. That is a natural parental instinct, and he is unable to see below the surface.

That is why therapy is important. It is your husband who has to awaken to the reality and become an arbitrator and peacemaker and not be sucked into being divisive.

I wish you wisdom and perseverance in helping to save this marriage. It can be done.

I shall keep you in my prayers towards this end.

If you would like to follow-up on this question, I will be delighted to continue to help. Just get back to me.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

The issue in my eyes is that I believe he parked there because of his daughter. He is claiming he only parked there but would like me to move up. That is where the line is drawn.


It could be, now that I think of it further, that he knows if he says yes - I would have another example to show that I was not a priority and an example I can use.


 


I'll have to simply say - "I can only help what I believe and lets leave it at that" I will continue to take this day by day and I have not cancled the appointment on Wednesday - day by day.


 


Thanks

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
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