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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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My BF and I have known each other for two years now. The first

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My BF and I have known each other for two years now. The first 9 months, his actions told me he wasn't really that into me. We would see each other once or twice a week, and it usually consisted of spending the night together and having sex. He would call me every night to talk on the phone, but was otherwise pretty hard to get in touch with. Then, all of a sudden, he disappeared and I didn't hear from him other than one simple text from April through July last year. By the signals he was giving me before he disappeared (not spending quality time with me, telling me little white lies, and a couple of bigger lies) I knew he wasn't really ready / he had only been divorced for 6 mod. before we met.

Then, after three months of not hearing from him, he contacted me. We met up to talk, and to my surprise, he wanted to try at a relationship again.

Now, here we are. This past year, things have been completely different from his side than they were the first go round. He is always at my house, calls me during the day, is reachable during the day. I have met his parents and sister who live 5 hours away, and vacationed with him, his two girls, and my two kids twice now. He recently bought a house near me and we talk about getting married.

Here's the problem I am struggling with. He is inconsistent (lying) about stories of his sexual past. I have been open about my past, and he has changed his from having had sex with one girl after his divorce before me, to now professing he has never had sex with anyone but me since his wife. The weird thing about it is that I never bring it up. He does. He will ask me things like "am I over my past boyfriends?" "Do I think I can really only have sex with one person the rest of my life?", etc. I have been divorced 8 years, and have had sex with three other people before him in that time. All were long term relationships. He knows this.

When we first started dating, he had a facebook with two different "girlfriends" on it. I asked him about those girls and he gave quick explanations - which were probably mostly true. Then, about a month ago, he was being very needy and kept asking me if I loved him, could only ever have sex with him from now on, etc. I gave him a look that said, "What do you think I am??" He immediately apologized, and then said he was being so needy because "his wife had had an affair, and no one knew about it." After an inital hesitation, he added, "except my best friend and parents." I had a sinking feeling he was lying. He immediately said he didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't ask any questions.

Now, because of all this, and his recent move.......I did the unimaginable and snooped. Snooped hard!! I found out all the answers to my questions. 1. He was trying to reunite with his ex wife when he disappeared...and still had hope for it during the first few weeks we were back together. 2. He had an affair in 2008, for an uncertain amount of time.....but reconnected with that girl in 2010 after his divorce (and maybe even before then.) She was one of the girls on his Facebook. 3. He, unprovoked by me, volunteered to me that his mom found "a condom" in a bag of his when she was helping him unpack during his recent move. He made up a story saying he bought one when we first began dating that his mother found. I replied, "she only found one? The smallest they are sold is in packs of three." I don't remember his reply. Some BS though.
4. I found three other condoms (two expired in 2012 and one that expires in 2016) hidden in the foot of a boot in his closet. I found a bottle of viagra from November 2012 in the other foot, with 24 pills missing.

I don't understand why he lies to me about his past, especially when I don't ever ask him about it. He is insecure about my past - which is really very benign. I don't understand why he is taking viagra. I had no idea he has been. Why did he hide those condoms rather than just throw them away if he is not using them? (We have never used a condom).

I have not indicated to him that I know any of this - but I am obviously having a hard time with it all simply because he keeps lying about it. It makes me wonder if our entire relationship is a joke. Should I confront him about any of it? If so, how should I go about it. I am a poor liar, and he does it so easily. Should I get off board, or remain in this relationship. I love him like I have loved no other. I am distraught and need advice please!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you're encountering this level of what seems to be betrayal of trust. This is how I'm perceiving it. Now, he may well have an issue with compulsive lying however, he doesn't seem to be lying about other issues just those relating to his sexual 'conquests' and about hiding things relating to this from you.

Your previous relationship with him seemed like he was playing around with you and not really taking into consideration your feelings. This time around, he's lying and it's hard for you to make sense if what is real. It seems the only way to handle this situation would be to talk to him calmly but directly; explain that you are aware of things that you wished you hadn't found, and that you would like for him to explain some of the things that you've found. His reasons and answers to things do not make sense so far and don't seem to add up and would he needs to be able to clarify what is going on.

The fact that you both together do not use condoms demonstrates that he needs to explain this to you too. I would not simply accept any reason and I would be careful and weary about his justifications at this stage. Try and think at what your gut feeling is, trust yourself and your intuition, if you feel you could do this.

See how you go by asking calmly and carefully to find a way to get some answers to your questions (write some questions that you feel are appropriate and relevant) and prepare yourself.

You deserve to be with someone that you trust, and can rely on. Relationships do have their ups and downs, however foundations of a solid relationship cannot be built on lies.

I do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.
Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I agree with everything you said. Do you think I should ask him about everything I found?? What about my betrayal of his trust since I went snooping? I found everything by reading a journal he had, digging through his legal divorce papers, and reading letters he never gave his ex wife last summer. Obviously, he will become irate - no matter how calm I am. That is why I am having this dilemma. What would be the best way to bring it all up?

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Okay, yes, you're right he won't be too happy, and you will have to apologize for doing this and explain to him two wrongs may not necessarily make a right, but you were desperate to understand what is going on and why he seems to be lying to you.

It is entirely up to you whether you mention everything, it seems sensible to perhaps only mention things that are the most important to you and leave out the other items until you get a better sense of exactly how angry he might be. I guess, if you say "I've read everything and have found everything" he may feel VERY vulnerable and exposed. Do you know what I mean? You then will not get anything productive out of him as he will clam up and not respond at all to you, hence keep it to the most salient issues that are relevant for you.

What would be the best way of bringing it up; well, again this will not be easy for you, you might have to explain to him, calmly still, that you came across some things and you don't feel too proud of yourself for your actions but that if this relationship is to survive, you need to be honest with him and he needs to be honest with you (and then you could mention the 'few' items you came across. If he gets angry, hear him out, stay calm and explain to him, the reason why you looked through the stuff was because you felt he was hiding things or keeping things from you. Tell him that relationships need to built on good honest foundations and if he's willing to answer and respond to your queries then you both have a chance of making this work. Yes, you shouldn't have gone thorough his things and tell him you are deeply sorry for this but you were honest about it and are trying to do the right thing by telling him. Hopefully, he will calm down and see that you've modeled the 'right' honest behavior and told him what you'd done.

--------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.
Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

Thank you for rating my service positively, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you!

Take care, my best wishes to you. I truly hope it goes well for you.

Karin :)

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