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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I have been with my boyfriend for 9 1/2 years now. We did break

Customer Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 1/2 years now. We did break up once before, but got back together and are great together but he doesn't want kids. We've talked about it a lot and I thought his views would change over time but because he loves kids and kids love him, but just last week he gave a flat out No. I've even brought up being a foster parent or adopting, and he was adamant about no kids. I've just turned 35 and I've always seen myself being a mother from a very young age, so his decision is just devastating to me. I haven't yet told him how much this hurts me.
I don't know if I should move on or not. If I decide to stay with him will I get over this hurt? Will it be something I regret later in life?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm so sorry that you're facing this dilemma and its clear to me that you can really see yourself being a mum of some description. His view is now an honest one despite you having spent so much time with him and for this feeling to be announced now must be devastating for you.

You need to decide whether there is any chance of him understanding your circumstances - could couple counseling be given a chance? If so, there could be a chance that he'd be more willing to see things from a different view rather than just his own. He sounds scared of making sacrifices and they would be sacrifices as there'd be a lot of changes. I've known many couples split up for this purpose alone and some couples who have accepted that there is more to life (their personal lives) than having kids, they feel able to move on, let go and live a life without kids and not see it as a negative but turning it into a positive.

Do you feel you could ever deny your feelings of wanting to be a mother? This is a big ask I believe, as a woman. If you feel that you might at some stage become quite resentful if you stayed with him and accepted his decision, it will always have been his decision over yours. Will you be able to let go of wanting to nurture a child? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

As a woman myself but also having worked with many women struggling to fall pregnant and deciding on whether fertility treatment (and the expense to both partners is worth it), my experience has been that women very rarely get over it (the resentment and the 'what if' feeling) unless they emotionally are strong enough to draw a line under having a baby/child and not blaming their partner for it -this only happens when the relationship is strong and both partners feel they love each other and can work towards a good future.

You've just turned 35, this is more important for you now than ever before, so I totally appreciate how hard this decision will be for you, take some time to consider your options (these might be like I say, couple counseling or even individual counseling for yourself), you will need to discuss openly and honestly how hurtful you feel by his words of late and his flat-out "no" is hard for you to hear.

Here are the links for counseling should you wish to take a look:

USA therapists website: http://www.psychologytoday.com/

Another website where you can search for counselors: http://www.nbcc.org/counselorfind

I truly do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
---------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.
Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Would it be okay to ask a secondary question in relation to what I asked or do I need to pay again?

Thanks!
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there S, no problem, I can respond and hope that you will rate me positively :) more than happy to answer any follow up questions.

Karin :)
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi S, Can I be of any further help to you? If so, please do let me know. I'm still available if you'd like to ask any further follow up questions. I want to ensure you are satisfied and feel you have received an excellent service. Best wishes, Karin --------If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before leaving the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi!
I think my last question didn't go through. The second part of my question is that I am meeting up with an acquaintance who doesn't know I have a boyfriend - simply because it has never come up. Originally I was meeting with him solely to discuss career options. Since we've been exchanging more emails it naturally developed into getting lunch to get to know one another better. It seems there's a mutual attraction that has developed and I'm not sure if it's because of the main problem in my relationship or that I've met someone. I am an honest person and I don't want to be deceitful to either person. My friends tell me I can just have lunch with him to feel the situation out before I mention having a boyfriend. Is that the best way to do it? Thank you again for your help.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there S,

Sorry, I hadn't received any notifications from you hence why I sent a follow up to you.

I'm more than happy to support you with this; it seems subconsciously you have chosen to not mention that you have a partner, possibly like you say, because of the issues (emotionally) you are experiencing with your partner at present.

You're an honest person, with integrity, so it does feel like mentioning that you are involved with someone would be the sensible thing to do, however, it seems like you are attracted to this person and the feeling is mutual so to continue as you are would only make things more complicated for you in terms of this colleague and your current partner.

Perhaps talking to your colleague will enable you to work out better whether this was simply an attraction or whether its because of the current existing issues with your partner.

I hope this is helping. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.
Bonuses are always appreciated.

Good luck with deciding what to do regarding your partner and also how to manage this new interaction with your colleague, my best wishes to you,

Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi S,

Thank you for rating my service positively and for the bonus, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you!

Take care, my best wishes to you.

Karin

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