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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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You are so amazing! Help me figure this one out. This morning

Resolved Question:

You are so amazing! Help me figure this one out. This morning I text Sherry "Good Morning Gorgeous" and it was several hours before she got up and got the message. I always get up way earlier than she does. She replied "Good Morning" which let me know she was up, so then I called her. We talked for a little while and everything was going great. I was explaining something to her about the Federal furloughs and she kept interjecting. Finally I politely said "Baby let me finish my thought process just a second please" So she did....and then refused to talk. When I asked why aren't you talking, she said because you told me to shut up. I explained no I did not tell you to shut up, but if you took it that way I am sorry. Then I asked her what is the difference if we are talking and you exclaim "I wasn't finished", or "May I finish" of course she failed to answer that. I am so sick of these childish games. I know no relationship is perfect but arguing over petty bullshit can't be healthy. I await your expert advice.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  RLiebowitz replied 1 year ago.

RLiebowitz :

Hello! Hope you're doing well. Before responding to your comment, I'd just like to revisit our last conversation. I noticed in your most recent feedback you reported that I was a 4 out of 5. I'd like to ensure you that I strive to give you quality 5/5 service. I beie

RLiebowitz :

I believe

RLiebowitz :

that the best way for me to provide you with the best quality response is for you to list specific questions at the end of your entry.

RLiebowitz :

For example, questions you may be curious about with what you've presently provided are (1) Do you think I've done something wrong here? (2) Was there another way for me to handle this? (3) Do you have any recommendations on how I should proceed? Etc. Give me as much background as you'd like, but try to give me a specific direction you'd like for me to respond in so I can provide you with excellent service

RLiebowitz :

Hope this is helpful to you and can improve our communications in the future

RLiebowitz :

moving forward. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Repeatedly trying to tell a story and be interrupted is frustrating and rude. It sounds like you were very polite in your method of redirecting Sherry and weren't mean or inappropriate in expressing your desire to want to complete your story.

RLiebowitz :

So, this is a two part answer. #1 - you did nothing wrong in this situation. Sherry was wrong and jumped to a "childish" place (your words and I agree with you).

RLiebowitz :

#2 - Many of the problems you write to me about are SHERRY'S problems - not yours. While her aftermath clearly becomes your problem, there's really no way to help the situation unless SHE does the work and makes some changes.

RLiebowitz :

I'd recommend that when you two are in a better place you say to her "Sherry - I need to be able to communicate positively and effectively with you," because that's the truth you do!

Customer:

I have no idea what you are talking about? I have ALWAYS given you the highest "Excellent" rating. The Smiley Face. Don't know what 4 out of 5 you are referring to but I am sure the 4 positive ratings that you have are from me

RLiebowitz :

okay - I received credit for my answer - I just wanted to make sure you were satisfied with our chat

RLiebowitz :

I've typed a lot - I'll wait to hear back from you

Customer:

Well she is refusing to talk right now. Part of me thinks I should be the bigger person and do the right thing and tell her good night, I love her, like I have every night for the past three years. Yet there is another part of me that KNOWS I did not tell her to shut up, and furthermore I did apologize if by chance she interpreted it that way. So if she doesn't want to talk...fine, the next text, or the next call will be on her and though I do care, right now I really don't care if she calls or texts!

RLiebowitz :

If you want my true advice, what I would literally do if I were in your shoes, I would say "here's the deal - either you work with me here, or this isn't going to succeed and I'm done trying"

RLiebowitz :

It's not fair for you to be doing all the work

RLiebowitz :

and for her to throw childish temper tantrums

RLiebowitz :

and the botXXXXX XXXXXne is, I know you gave yourself a deadline for June 2014, but I'm telling you right now, if she doesn't put effort in, it doesn't matter WHEN the deadline is - all you're doing is wasting your precious time (and money asking me whats going to happen and what to do)

Customer:

Ok, well...I know we should talk. However, I have tried to engage her. Early this evening her responses were "K" which is typical when she is pissed. Too damn lazy to write OK, but seriously that is her personality. When she is mad "I love you" becomes "Love You" with the I removed, and Ok becomes "K". Then I sent a couple of texts while at work and haven't heard another word from her. Now....technology does fail, and maybe she didn't get them? I don't know. But part of me wants to make her stew a while and let her contact me next. Is that wrong?

RLiebowitz :

no it isnt wrong AT ALL - you are CONSTANTLY being "the bigger person."

RLiebowitz :

all you are teaching her is that she can continue to treat you in an unfair fashion and that you will continue to take the blame unfairly

RLiebowitz :

It's unfair for you to take the blame, it's unfair for her to give it, and it's unfair for you to continue to teach her her methods are acceptable.

Customer:

I appreciate that!

RLiebowitz :

-):

RLiebowitz, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 48
Experience: work with couples and families in private practice
RLiebowitz and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

I reread a lot of your former questions and I have a feel for this relationship, which seems to be characterized by her irritability and your anger at her inappropriate responses.

She may be suffering from depression which is making her generally touchy and quick to jump on you.

You are very frustrated because you feel she is over-reacting to you and looking for a disagreement.

Even if she is the trigger, it still takes two to have a falling out. You are nearing the limit of your patience, but if you want to disarm her then you will have to be understanding that she is not feeling happy and is going to react negatively unless you restrain yourself from taking the bait.

Yes, I agree that she is being rude to you and is pushing you. Just move with her pushes instead of resisting, and she will slow down and will not get the push-back that she is (unconsciously) trying to create.

Let her interrupt. It won't hurt a thing. Don't give negative body language either. Just let it go and see what happens.

She may feel the need to communicate when she interrupts. If she doesn't feel frustrated then she will be more relaxed.

When you refuse to even recognize her rudeness or interruptions, then there won't be a a problem. You will have to be the leader in creating a more positive approach to communication and, hopefully, she will follow your lead.

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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