How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Tom Your Own Question

Dr. Tom
Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience:  Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
72310017
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Tom is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am familiar with people who have had this happen to them,

Resolved Question:

I am familiar with people who have had this happen to them, and also people who have done this to someone: a friend of theirs goes behind their back and says negative things to a third party or even a group of two or more people, about them without their knowing. They usually find out about it from someone else, but sometimes people they don't know are not as receptive to them or don't behave like people usually do towards them, not open to starting a relationship or already think something is wrong and the person does not know what it was. My question is, if you think someone has done this to you, and you ask if anything is wrong and they insist it isn't, can you have a normal relationship with them if they have done that without your knowledge? Can it ever be apologized for generally and overcome or is there not going to be a friendship? If someone lies to you are they still your friend? A certain amount of favortism for someone else is not critical, won't end a friendship, if it goes beyond that it will, and once that happens is it ever recovered or just not possible? And in the instance of talking or acting behind someone's back, can't people see through that usually? One of the worst things is when the group seems to be too big and someone is eliminated before it happens to someone else. I have been in groups where it is a surprise that someone was "in trouble", is that a weak position? Is there anything the "victim" or weak person can do in all of these instances, or is that it for them? I'm talking about people here who don't have antisocial mental and/or physical disabilities or challenges. What do you do if someone does not like the person you want to be friends with and tells you? Who can you be friends with, how to choose, and how to do this if neither is a good friend of yours?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Tom replied 1 year ago.
Greetings. If you genuinely know that a person has been spreading rumors about you, I would not consider that person a friend, but rather someone of whom to be wary and to limit your interactions with that person because they apparently cannot be trusted. I would not consider someone who lies to me to be my friend, but rather someone who betrays others. It is wise to avoid groups where people talk about each other without the other's knowledge. If a person is telling you that they do not like the person with whom you want to be friends, you could ask why and at least consider their reasons. We choose our friends by how they treat us. Friends do not lie, cheat or steal from us. Friends are honest and give us their time and an ear when we need to be heard. Friends respect us and our boundaries. Friends are the good people in our life. There are lost of sharks out there and it is prudent to pick your friends wisely. I hope this helps with your internal struggle.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Part of this question is, what if there is no proof of the going behind the back with bad rumors, and you ask the person and they said to go back to the beginning, and act like nothing is wrong before and after you ask if there is anything wrong and then say nothing is wrong, how to be friends if they are important? Should you check with someone who may have heard the rumor to find out? That would reassure if it happened. If it did, is there a friendship? Does checking about it ruin the friendship? If something did happen and you are aware, let the person know and they apologize and say to go back to the beginning, then act like your friend and tell you they are, does that ever work or is it over once and for all if that happens? Would she say and act like friends partly but leave things out so you realize on your own that she is not? Do you know if people would do that, for a long time? I think so.


I asked someone if she was my friend and she said yes, so is that it, how to test it out, can I ask if she is just acting that way? This is an important person you don't meet everyday.

Expert:  Dr. Tom replied 1 year ago.
If there is no proof, why do you suspect this person who says there is nothing wrong that they have said something disparaging behind your back? If they have said that they have not done so, accept that and then see what happens and you can let the friendship develop. Remember, friendships start out as acquaintances and over time trust develops and the acquaintance transforms into a friendship. Friendships are sometimes tested and if a friend behaves in an untoward way, or say something that you find offensive, they can be forgiven, but it is important to let the "friend" know how you feel and that you expect it not to happen again. If it does, you then know that you must choose whether you want that person in your life or not because if it happens twice, they cannot be trusted. The old phrase is "Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice shame on me (for letting it happen)". Friendships sometimes come and go. Some people are friends for a period of time in our life and then they are not ... for many reasons. Some friendships last a lifetime. I hope this helps you untangle a rather convoluted question.
Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience: Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
Dr. Tom and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Dr. Tom
Dr. Tom
19 Satisfied Customers
Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.