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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1835
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I am 62 years old and have a 54 year old girlfriend. She has

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I am 62 years old and have a 54 year old girlfriend. She has a 12 year old daughter living at home and I have a 28 year old son living with me so, to avoid conflict with my son or her X we live separately. Our houses are near each other and we see each other 3 or 4 times a week and have sex about twice a week. My girlfriend was my mistress for 5 years before I finally divorced my wife 6 years ago. My X and I are still friends and I help her out occasionally with small chores and I help her financially with a monthly support check.
My girlfriend is the love of my life and I would do anything for her. But she recently asked that we refrain from having sex due to her new found religious awakening. She now believes that sex outside of marriage is a sin and has asked me to support her by maintaining a platonic relationship and to get married before we resume having sex. Needless to say this has been a shock and I fear our relationship is at risk. I am a god-fearing man but I never considered our monogamous, committed, deep love (that has a sexual component) to be sinful. I believe God would bless our relationship.
What should I do? I can move on with a broken heart or I can try to get my sons (2) to accept that I will marry my girlfriend. I had always planned to marry her but had hoped to wait until her daughter and my sons were in a place where they could accept our marriage without any resentment. I am now faced with confronting my sons with marriage to my girlfriend, a confrontation that I fear will damage or end my relationship with them due to their loyalty to their mother.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

One thing that you said in this question was that your girlfriend is the love of your life. This is the person you want to spen your life with. I feel that marriage is the next step for you.

Deardebra :

Your happiness and her happiness is very important.You can't keep putting aside your life and hers. You know you both love each other and you should be planning your life together.

Deardebra :

Your sons will understand because they will want their father happy.

Deardebra :

You are good to your ex and your sons see that and they know that you are going to move on because the relationship did not work. You found someone who you love dearly and it is time to take that next step.

Deardebra :

Your girlfriend feels that she needs to be married to continue any further with this relationship. She is looking for a further with you because she loves you. She now looks at sex before marriage as a sin and is looking for more from you to make that commitment. She wants to be married and have that life with you that she has always dreamed about.

Deardebra :

I feel that it is time to tell your sons how much it would mean too you to get married again and involve them both in the planning.

Deardebra :

You do not want to put your life on hold. Time goes by so quickly and some times opportunities pass people by thinking they have plenty of time for people to accept their lives. But some times people don't accept marriages. But the only reason is because they are thinking of themselves and not thinking about two people falling in love wanting to make that commitment.

Deardebra :

I do not feel that there is an option on you moving on with a broken heart because this is the person you love, this is the person you want to spend your life with.

Deardebra :

There is no moving on, you need to have a life as well and you deserve to be in love, get married and start a life together.

Deardebra :

Yes, it will be an adjustments for her daughter and your sons, but give them that chance to accept it.

Deardebra :

You right now are not sure how they are going to act, but some times you need to take that risk. They might come right out and say they are happy for you.

Deardebra :

I am sure they want to see you happy and moving on creating a start to a new life.

Deardebra :

Your sons love you and will understand that this is important too you.

Deardebra :

Your girlfriend was your mistress for 5 years this is someone you want to be with, you made a choice to be with her because this is who you truly love. The love of your life is asking you to understand her new found religious awakening. This is the decision she has made.

Deardebra :

Now it is up too you to make a decision on spending the rest of your life with her and I feel that you need to follow your heart on this one.

Deardebra :

I want you to solely think about you and what you want for a minute. Do not think of how your sons will feel, do not think of how her daughter will feel. I want you to think about how you feel. If everyone accepted this marriage the question you need to ask is would you marry her.

Deardebra :

Think about your feelings this will help you make the best decision.

Deardebra :

I would talk to your sons but I also want toy tell her that you are going to talk too them. You want to involve her in making this decision as well.

Deardebra :

This will show her how much you care about her and that you do want to marry her.

Deardebra :

I want you to think about marriage with her and really think about your feelings. This will help guide you to making the best decision for you, your sons, and your girlfriend.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1835
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I wanted to check in and see how you are doing and if you have anymore questions I am here to answer.

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