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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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My boyfriend of 2 years left me 7 months ago. We connected

Customer Question

My boyfriend of 2 years left me 7 months ago. We connected again at the end of April when he was leaving to go away for 4 months for work. While he was gone we stayed in contact. He came home 2 months early and told me he made a mistake letting me go. Since his return we have connected socially a few times, but there is no advancement in our relationship. He seems to be out doing a lot of partying and I'm not sure if he really wants to get back together. I was doing perfectly fine before he came home, however am still in love with him and am confused as to what to expect. Should I continue hoping for a reconciliation?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

It sounds as though you are investing in this much more than he is. You need to make a decision rightly so, and stick to your guns. He needs to be aware that you are unlikely to continue waiting around until he decides he wants to be with you. However, you clearly feel that there is something to fight for, so based on this, my observation would be that you need to have a full discussion with him somewhere that is public such as a restaurant or cafe. Discuss your feelings around this and ask him to make a decision whether he feels he can make a decision about you both, if you feel (and your gut tells you) he's unlikely to commit to you - then you will have your answer (not one you might have hoped for but at least, as you said, 'you were fine before you both reconnected - you will be fine once more').

Is there a chance that he is a "young" 20 year old as opposed to one who is able to sustain a long term relationship or even try and commit to one? If he's a young 20 year old, you may be better off letting this go as you will get hurt in the process of him being quite non committal towards you and hurting you once again.

Be careful whichever way you go with this situation, he doesn't deserve you if he can't appreciate and see how hard you've worked on yourself and on trying to make the relationship work the last time.

I do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you - I think your information is excellent, and something that deep down I probably knew. We have a lot of mutual friends so do see each other socially. I really enjoy our friends, but it seems that since he has come back to town, I am not invited to get togethers as often. I try to put on a brave face, but it does hurt. Any ideas on how to deal with this.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there A,

I'm glad that I've been able to support you in your decisions :)
We generally do know what's going on and sometimes need others on the outside to clarify it for us, so don't worry - this is quite normal, to need some reassurance.

Your mutual friends will be a problem only if you let it be. If you decide to take control of this situation then he no longer holds that "power" over you emotionally, does that make sense? YOU then have this control and will no longer feel helpless.

Of course having mutual friends is going to hurt, however, you can either detach yourself from your friendships (they might well be distancing themselves from you because they don't know how to handle the situation) or you can get back in there and reconnect with them - you have nothing to be ashamed of, you haven't done anything to feel ashamed.

You can also spread your wings and establish new friendships - maybe through work, or through hobbies/interests? Finally, you could arrange to meet some of these mutual friendships more on a one to one basis - this way, they get to understand your circumstances rather than hearing things second hand. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself.

----------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Karin - just one more quick question. Why does he do this to me?


After 7 months neither he nor I have been in another committed relationship. Is he holding on just in case he can't find someone else?


 


Thank you

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi A,

It's difficult to know why he might be doing this - however my feeling, based on my experience of working with young adults, is that he's holding on rather than setting you free... His socializing without you demonstrates that he wants his space and to still have you too... It may also explain the awkwardness the mutual friends might be experiencing.

Hope this helps.
My best to you,
Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi A,

Thank you for rating my service positively, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you.

Take care, my best wishes to you.

Karin

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Karin Samms
Karin Samms
Counselor
299 Satisfied Customers
with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues