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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I just found out my husband has been having an (at least) emotional

Customer Question

I just found out my husband has been having an (at least) emotional affair with an 18 year old girl (we are 30) on Sunday, when I found a birthday card she'd written him. He's away on a music tour until tomorrow and she is there, but he has confessed to his friend and he is keeping the girl away. Two months ago, he and I had a very small arguament which blew up into him saying how unhappy he was and wanting some time apart. I moved to my parents and we've seen each other once a week since then, getting on incredibly well despite the horrible circumstances but with him being terrified to commit to us. All makes sense now. Confronted him via email and got a terrified midnight phone call begging me to be at home when he gets back. Swearing they have not had sex. Telling me how wonderful I was and how stupid he felt for now talking to me more this year. This sentiment continued via text the next day, but we're now back to messages that don't end "I love you" and I'm ready for him to return on Friday same as before; not wanting to let me go, crying, but not wanting me to stay. This is destroying us both and I'm sure he's going to come back and say that he loves both of us. What on earth do I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened, it seems that you're not totally surprised by what you've heard but now need to find a way to manage and deal with his emotions and your confusion.

If you felt ready to discuss this with him without it becoming confrontational, then prepare yourself and write some things up that were important for you to discuss with him. Write out all the things you feel you would like to change between you (including things you feel you need to work on) - this is providing, you want to try and work on this relationship?

He seems regretful of his actions and somewhere deep down there are reasons/underlying reasons for the way he's behaved towards you. This is what needs to be addressed on his part.

You could suggest and both attend couple counselling (either through GP referral or you could go private). Links for relevant counselling services are provided below:

Relate: http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

BACP: http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/

The BACP website will help you find a trained couple counsellor in your local area, it will need your postcode to do this.

At this stage it would be important that you feel strong enough to cope with his regret - you might be angry, you might be hurt but keep in mind couples can still come back from such turmoil providing they both want to work on the core of their problems.

If he is suffering from some form of depressive feelings, he needs to address this with his doctor and find some way of managing it and beginning to challenge those thoughts and feelings otherwise it will create havoc with any further interaction you both may have and he risks losing you completely.

Some agreements need to be made, some boundaries need to be established but most of all, you both need to honestly and genuinely make a decision on whether you both want to work to reconcile and if so, start to work on the points I've mentioned above.

I really hope I've provided you with some more points to consider and also some clarification that these reactions are quite normal from the both of you, considering how things have been of late, between you both. I truly do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


My husband is such a good man. I appreciate that that sounds a crazy thing for me to say at this point, but I've seen how destroyed he's been lately and that's because he mustn't really recognise himself just now. But he obviously has told this girl that he loves her (she writes, "I love you more" in the card and he obviously can't decide what to do. I've booked us a relate session on Tuesday and we also talked about going on holiday. I teach so I've said I can't let this drag on into next term and that instead of this passive-aggressive to and fro we've been doing for months, we just need to go for it and see if it can work. What if he can't give her up, though? He's going to feel terrific guilt whichever side he picks and I don't know how to support him with that.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

He seems to feel quite mortified by his actions and the fact that they haven't had sex, that means he is not willing to go that far with her. His feelings may be very confused and you can offer him patience and support providing he is willing to work on this. With school finished now for the holidays, you can utilise the space to work through emotional issues without too much distraction.

Ensure that within all of this, that you don't get sucked in with the "I love you both" type of scenario. Hopefully, the counsellor will pick this up and help you both work on how to reconnect with one another and to understand what happened to the relationship.

I believe your proactive approach is a very positive and healthy one and you are looking at this with very clear eyes. You seem to have dug deep and are looking to find inner strength - which it feels like you have found or are working hard to hold on to. Don't lose faith, your marriage and your husband seem to mean a lot to you, a little difficulty but lots of rewards can come from this if it can all be "talked through" in counselling.

Yes, he will be hurt either way, but then he has to deal with the consequences of those particular actions and I believe he will deal with it, if he doesn't want to lose you. You will just need to give him some space but also spend time when agreed, together as quality time getting to reconnect with one another. Good luck to you both, I truly hope you can both get through this.

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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

Thank you for rating my service positively, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you.

Take care, my best wishes to you.

Karin

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